#but now??? im going thru pink blogs and associating EVERYTHING with margot's barbie

[frecklystars]

i know nobody is online to see it rn but GOD it feels so good to be in love again!!!!!!!!! i reached the tag limit on that last reblog of la la land, there's a tag limit of 30 and i originally wrote almost 60 and then i had to keep revising it over and over until i only had 30. i just kept talking abt how much i love sebastian!!! and that's!!! how i'm supposed to be!!!! it's such a huge goddamn relief to start self shipping again even if it's not with TF, i really hope i can come back to my robots one day, but god. god it's such a fucking relief to have seb and six and ken and barbie and harley etc etc etc etc the list hopefully will just keep growing. this love in my chest, this feeling of overwhelming love that makes me actually physically sigh because there's so much love in me... that's how i am supposed to be and i am so relieved to start feeling this way again. i was numb for so long. i'm so grateful for these characters.

#woof #pretty sure i spent at least 20 minutes typing those tags #and then after i finished i was like 'oh there i am' #there's that star in my heart! she's still burning bright after all! she's just hurting. but she isn't gone. maybe she never was #and maybe one day i can finally finally finally come back to TF #but for now. for now. i am holding ryan and margot's characters' hands. all of these characters all of these pretty ppl #and they are guiding me through hell and telling me things are gonna be ok #bc lord knows i tried to throw myself at ANYTHING and NOTHING would stick #i tried watching different movies/cartoons i never saw before. didnt feel loved #tried to watch old things i used to love like SBTM or MLP. didnt feel loved #maybe the trauma was too fresh for me to be able to focus on anything else #but barbie came at the PERFECT time. the STARS ALIGNED JUST RIGHT #and out of any character that could have saved me it was KEN? #its because he makes me laugh. barbie did help MONUMENTALLY with pink #im still struggling with pink sometimes but its definitely majorly improved #like if i look back on myself 2 months ago i COULD NOT look at pink without having a panic attack. insane #but now??? im going thru pink blogs and associating EVERYTHING with margot's barbie #and any time i feel tense i can easily ground myself bc i am associating it with my self ships #im using it in my art again and its such a relief #im not fully myself without starscream but hey. a part of me is here. a part of me is breathed back to life just a little bit #its as if ive been drowning for over a year and finally someone reached out their hands to save me #pull me to the surface and maybe im not on solid ground yet but the waves arent thrashing or pulling me down as much anymore