#composibg whole ass essays on my phone for 2 people to read on tumblr dot com

[rabbitrah]

idk why exactly but there's been an influx of terfs interacting with my content on all three of my active blogs and it's so upsettling. idk if it's because my posts are spreading further, because there actually is a more active terf community now that there used to be, or if the posts I'm creating now are more relevent to terf interests but it's so upsetting and although I'm trying to "block and move on" I'm finding the "moving on" part hard. It's a disturbing reminder of the backlash effect. I thought 7 years ago when I came out as trans to the first people that by this point in my life I would see more acceptance and less aggression. Maybe there is more acceptance. But the backlash that it's created is so difficult to reckon with. The anti trans legistlation being proposed in my country (usa) and abroad (especially the uk) is deeply scary to me. I'm so scared, especially since I'll be entering the field as a public elementary school teacher in less than two years. I've already made peace with the fact that I almost definitely won't be out at work, but I have new fears of being "found out." Although the new supreme court ruling has made it illegal to fire someone for their gender identity in my country, I have been fired for being trans without fired for being trans before. It's not that hard to do.

My boss at the first childcare job I had found out I was trans because a friend/coworker kept using they/them pronouns for me even though I was closeted at work (easy mistake!), so she did some digging I guess, then took me aside to tell me she "supported it" but that I had to keep it a secret (I was) because I was "teaching children to speak" and she didn't want me to "confuse them." I just nodded, so embarrassed and scared to be found out that way. I'd been mentally planning how I might be able to come out at work, but that flew out the window immediately.

Her treatment of me had already been pretty cold, but got colder after that. During a parent-teacher meeting that we all had to attend, she mentioned that one of the issues with the center was the lack of experienced staff, and how it's SO HARD to find good, experienced staff. It didn't even phase me because I was used to her belittling and criticizing me at this point, but it horrified a lot of the parents, who came up to me later to assure me that they thought I was doing a good job and that their kids had had a great year with me as their teacher.

I'd previously already gotten her approval to miss a few days at the end of the school year (cleanup stuff, after the kids were gone) so I could attend training for my summer job. A week later, just a few weeks before the end of the year she told me that I actually couldn't miss these days, and if I insisted on missing these days, I would have to resign. I was 20 and scared and non-confrontational. I told her couldn't lose out on my summer job that I'd already committed to, so if that meant I'd lose my position at the daycare, then fine. I knew whole-heartedly that this last minute, arbitrary decision was because she wanted an excuse to push me out. Thankfully I was smart enough to tell the parents of my kids and my coworkers that I was not quitting because I didn't want to stay, that I very much wanted to keep working, but that I had to keep my summer job and my boss wasn't giving me a choice.

Thankfully a new director replaced my old boss that year, a former coworker, and she called me that summer to ask if I would come back, and my YES couldn't have been louder. Now this is my career and I'm getting a degree in education. I couldn't be more passionate about my field. But I'll never forget that experience. A year later, at a training conference, my new director carefully asked me "how I identify." I knew she was kinder and more supportive than my previous boss. I knew that I could probably be honest without backlash. I still decided to tell her that I was bisexual and not tell her anything about my gender. She never asked again and I'm grateful to her for that. In all honesty, my previous boss might have outed me to her, or she could have found out another way, but she respected my privacy.

Seeing this sudden influx of terfs in my sphere is bringing back that old fear. This idea that people with an inherent repulsion of me are hidden all around me. They will be my bosses and my coworkers and I won't be able to tell who is who until it may be to late. Getting fired from a public school job is more damaging than getting fired from a community daycare. If I get outed and subsequently fired because my coworkers believe that there's something inherently unstable, corrupting, confusing, or even predatory about my lack of gender, I might struggle to find another position in that district or even that state. I might have too to a city or state far away from my loved ones to continue to work in my field (which would also mean getting a new teaching license.) Many trans people, especially trans women, have much more life threatening concerns, but this is mine.

Cis friends and trans friends who work in less scrutinized fields or more progressive cities are often critical or confused about how I could choose to stay closeted or don't think the backlash could really be so bad. They don't like thinking that there isn't a simple solution or a perfect school where I'll be able to come out and still teach, but I have to keep my expectations low, to protect myself. I've learned better.

#composibg whole ass essays on my phone for 2 people to read on tumblr dot com #iconic emile move #tender gender #teacher tag