#dennis's gayass monologue in dines out makes me crazy in the brain everytime i watch that episode

[transcharliekelly]

5. “Why are you helping me?”

(this one kinda got away from me lol. thanks for sending! relatively light gen macdee w/ mentioned macden, at dooley's pool party that dennis talks about, a little under 1k. warning for brief mentions of vomiting.)

Mac is drunk. Probably.

(Definitely).

Mac is drunk, and he’s slowly lost his friends, so now he’s sitting on Dooley's couch, picking at the label on his beer bottle and not listening to the girl that’s been talking at him for the better part of five minutes.

He decides he’s had enough of her, and stands without a word.

“Where are you going?” she asks, but he doesn’t answer as he walks off to the kitchen. She sputters at him, but he ignores her, scanning the crowd for a familiar face. Dennis’s familiar face, preferably, but Charlie would work too. Hell, he’d even take Dee at this point.

The last he saw of any of them was more than a half-hour ago- Dennis had told Mac to “watch this, bro,” and then shot him a grin that made Mac’s chest feel tight in ways he didn’t want to think about seconds before executing a totally sweet double jackknife. Charlie and Dee were on the other side of the small group that was watching, and Mac had seen Dee lean down to whisper something to Charlie that made him laugh. Then dumbass Eric Wyzotski and his oversized head called Mac over to him to talk about something stupid, and by the time he looked back, all three of them were gone.

He scans the kitchen for, in order, brown-haired dude leaned over some girl that’s either really into it or really creeped out, shorter brown haired dude looking like he’d rather be anywhere else, gangly blonde girl in a back brace.

Gangly blonde girl not in a back brace. Right. Mac’s not sure how he forgot- she hasn’t shut up about it once in the two weeks since she got it off.

Either way, he doesn’t see her. He’s about to turn around and go check the front yard or something, when he catches on something on one last sweep-over- Dennis, next to the sink, tongue-deep in some girl. Benny Orlando's sister, he’s pretty sure- Sissy? Something like that.

“Pretty gross, isn’t it?” says Dee’s voice from behind him, and he nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Jesus Christ, Dee. Give a man some warning.”

“Whatever,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You guys are always on me about how graceless and loud and annoying I am. Don’t get mad at me for being the opposite.”

“It’s the back brace,” Mac tells her, annoyed. “We could always hear it from a mile away. It was like your warning system. We’re just adjusting to life without it.”

“Sure, asshole. Whatever.”

They stand there for a little bit longer, watching Dennis and the girl (Missy?) with a kind of morbid curiosity. Mac’s not particularly enjoying it- something dark and almost angry bubbles up inside his chest, which is weird, because he should definitely be happy for his bro -and yet he can’t look away.

“It’s like a car crash,” Dee says, completing his train of thought, which is irritating. Stupid goddamn bird. Let a man think!

The angry feeling shifts into something else- almost like nausea. It’s far too real for his liking, and it honestly does feel like he might-

“There, there, princess,” Dee taunts, perched on the bathroom counter. “Get it all out.”

He dry heaves one last time, and reaches up to flush the toilet as he rests his head feebly on the seat. Some voice in the back of his head screams bloody murder about germs, but he tells it to shut up and let him rest for a second.

“Stop making fun of me,” he mutters, and Dee honest-to-god laughs. What a dick.

“No chance,” she says, hopping off the counter so she can open the medicine cabinet and pull a cup out of it. She fills it up with water from the tap, and passes it down to Mac, who drinks all of it one go.

She puts her hands on her hips, and clicks her tongue as she scans the open cabinet. “I don’t see any, like, Tylenol or whatever, but you’ll be fine. Probably.”

She takes the empty cup from his outstretched hand, and wordlessly fills it again before passing it back to him. He takes several gulps, and lowers it with a gasp.

“Why are you helping me?” he asks, and she makes a face.

“Okay, well, don’t say it like that. I’m giving you tap water in a dirty cup I found in someone else’s medicine cabinet, not my damn kidney,” she huffs, reaching out to take Mac’s empty cup from him. “But it’s because I feel kinda bad for you, being all pathetic and gross and in love with my brother n’ shit. Not helping you would be like leaving a three-legged puppy out on the street.”

Mac gives her his best attempt at a death glare, given current circumstances. “I’m not in love with Dennis.”

“Sure, dickwad. Whatever. Do you want more water?”

“No, Dee, really. I’m not gay.”

“Of course you aren’t,” Dee says, very clearly not believing the words she says. “Do you want more water or not?”

“I’m not gay,” Mac repeats, possibly more to himself than to Dee. Something flickers over her face that’s almost pity, and she seems to give in.

“I’m taking that as a no on the water,” she says. “And I'm going to leave now. I’m even going to be nice and not tell you who I saw go out to the backyard with Chrissy Orlando before we left the kitchen so you could dispose of your guts.”

“Dee?” Mac calls, as she pulls open the bathroom door, and she turns back to him.

“What?”

“Thanks,” he says, and she makes a face he can’t read.

“Whatever,” she mutters, and with half a smile as she turns away, she’s gone.

#dennis's gayass monologue in dines out makes me crazy in the brain everytime i watch that episode #which i did a couple days ago #so... now we have this #my fic #shortfic #iasip #it's always sunny in philadelphia #mac mcdonald #dee reynolds #macden #macdennis