#even though id literally sent my bestie loads of photos and texts and a literal voice note while staring at a robin lol

[ghosts-of-love]

not to be mentally ill but today when i went for a walk in a nature reserve i was climbing a hill and it was cold but so so sunny and everything looked beautiful and i saw so many cool things and i stood there and was like damn what's this feeling in my chest and why am i smiling so much?? my guy,, it's called fucking happiness. i was just present and content in the moment and couldn't contain myself so kept doing the silly arm shake thing i do and grinning at everything and then was like woah what's this feeling. fuckin, happiness dude.

#think the arm shake thing might be stimming (??) i referred to it as pogging and was informed that i've been using that word incorrectly #but yeah stimming ig #the arm shakes!! we all know them... #anyway do you ever get the feeling that other people experience happiness differently to you? #idk last week i was v depressed and now ive had a couple days in a row where ive been giggling with people and ive been cuddled and kissed #and today i took myself off on a walk and i was so so happy and then as i was walking back to my car #i had the gut wrenching feeling that i needed to text my parents that i'd been outside and had a good day and saw multiple cool animals #and that i loved them. because i suddenly got really worried that i would die on the way home and no one would know i'd been really happy?? #even though id literally sent my bestie loads of photos and texts and a literal voice note while staring at a robin lol #anyway and then i was floored by the realisation that i carely deeply about whether i died or not #because i was pmsing last week and that is a terrible time for me and i end up being kind of passively suicidal ig #so to have such a big change in the space of a week was a huge shock #these tags are sooo incoherent and span so many emotions #i promise i've had a really lovely day. i just am anxious all the time and depressed sometimes #in a way that is harder to predict now my periods have stopped. #im realising this is the kind of stuff that should probably go in my diary but i've got this far with the tags that i can't be asked. #if anyone is still reading #you do not have to respond to this or like it in any way. i promise lol