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gotoveritstillloveyou · 3 years

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Aight now its your turn. For fucks sake.

Sorry in advance.

I'll give my self a likely undeserved pat on the back. All the times we fought and the millions of words I've written I never said anything nasty to you or about you. I've never called you disgusting things or shamed your looks or your brain or things you can't change, never degraded you. Go ahead and call me an abuser then think back at all the horrible things your exes and friends and family have said to you, all the threats, all the tricks and insults, making you feel unwanted and bad about yourself. I never did that. I have never not loved you. Never do I truly talk about all the weird and crazy shit you did and all your mistakes. I just talk about the things you did that hurt and betrayed me. Things I knew you could change.. even then I was wrong about 80% or so of that stuff, it was just illusions and misunderstandings. But that's not what thisnis about. You just upset the fuck out of me.

Not worth much but I wanted to point it out before I started. I really don't even know where to start this or what to say.

If I go back to the beginning you might think that's the time where you acted your worse, and it's not. You really didn't hurt me for a long ass time. You were a little crazy and you were a little difficult. That's it. I never gave a shit. You were always loving.

But I guess that is a point to make. I feel so defined by everyone by my bad qualities and my mental illness and outbursts. Bro, you were fucking nuts. We just weren't nuts at the same time and then I get all the fucking blame, I'm the bad one, I'm the weird one. I feel like I'm someone capable of understanding and withstanding a lot and even then I was barely able to navigate your level of psychosis. Your emotions were entirely unhinged and impossible to understand. Every single fucking day was panic attacks, massive mood swings. Just out of fucking nowhere you would either be crying or screaming. Oh I'm so bad I'm so violent huh. Every fucking word you said to me at times was an emotional manipulation leading up to some huge tantrum. You were throwing shit all over the place, breaking shit, cutting yourself.

Any small typical boyfriend girlfriend argument and you would lose your shit. Jesus christ, I put so much effort into it. I put so much effort into calming you done, resolving the problem, convincing you were on my side. But everything I said, if I had a mild problem, if we had a minor spat, and most of all if I refused some demand of yours, you were either screaming or crying, and then you would lock yourself in the bathroom. See, you did the same shit I know I did. You imposed your tantrum upon me. It's like getting attack by a swarm of hornets. But you would go lock yourself in the bathroom and for a moment it was a relief. But then no, I knew you were in there cutting yourself or might kill yourself, and thus I was lured into the second phase of your psychosis, and it would go on for more hours.

Do you not remember this shit? How many times did you storm off and sleep on the couch over nothing? Over not getting your way or me telling you to stop watching videos so I can go to sleep SO I CAN GO TO WORK. How many times did you lock yourself in the bathroom. You can probably remember locking yourself in there a lot because I was yelling at you. That's not how it started. It started as a part of the psychotic nightmare you unleashed in that house when you moved in.

I lived with and tried to help your mental illness for months before me and our life fell apart. I never even fucking write about this. This is the first time I've ever truly written about how fucking crazy you were. I've never told anyone about it. Don't you see how much I love you? Don't you see that I define you by something other than what you and others define you by? Don't you see the blame I've unduly burdened myself with?

We fell in love and wanted to be together, you begged me and begged me to save you from that town, we promised each other how we are gonna be the people that finally treat each other right. And from fucking day ONE you started going back on those promises. You started acting like I had ruined your life by bringing you to live with me. Once your situation changed, you started saying the opposite of what you had said before.

You made me live in this air of dissatisfaction. From day fuckin one dude. This whole story, from the day we met, to the day I write this shit, is me doing everything I can to make you happy. But every problem I solved, you made me feel like shit about it. I brought you to my house and you started being nuts. You wanted to get a house with me and get out of that town. Then a week later you're homesick and so depressed you won't even get out of bed. You told me you wanted to be with me and then every day acted like I had ruined your life. You told me you would trust me and we made pinkie promises and then every day you acted like you didn't trust me or believe my words.

I can't describe how this made me feel. We had fell so hard in love and set out on this journey together. And then for the first 6 months of living together, every day was me living inside of your nightmare. Your emotions just flying all over the fucking place, you were making me feel like I was fucking torturing you. We met up every weekend for months and had fun and you were my girl and I was doing everything for you. Then you moved in with me and cried every fucking day. Every time I tried to cheer you up you just rejected it. Every time I tried to hang out with you, you started a fight.

Your dissatisfaction was Neverending. So ridiculous too. Like you had been sitting in your room all week waiting for me on the weekends, now, you're gonna be sitting in a house where you can do anything, in a town full of stuff to do, and me giving you money if you ask to go do something, except you're just gonna cry every day. Every day im at work working as fast as I can and here comes that text message. Oh what is it today? You're gonna kill yourself? You're gonna cut yourself? You're lonely and I need to come home faster. So every day I work as fast as possible and speed home in my death trap car. Not fast enough. So I start working even harder and taking the toll road so I can go 100mph on the way home after doing a 9 hour day in 7 hours. Not fast enough, and now you have to fuck with me about the tolls every day.

There was a very clear goal as to why you moved in with me.

1. You wanted to get out of that town, you were also bored and being abused in your home

OK so I got us a house. But it's not enough. You don't like it. And you miss your family. You're unhappy and depressed and crying all day.

2. So you could see me in the mornings and evenings, and random days off,, during the week instead of just weekends.

OK so now you hate that I go to work, you fuck with me and start fights with me literally every day while I'm at work, you think I'm at work too long, you threaten to kill yourself if I don't come home, I'm working my ass off to get us ahead while you constantly text me about how I'm not doing enough and how unhappy you are, then I come home tired and you've sat on your ass all day with a car with a full tank of gas and $20-$60 dollars if you asked and I had it, but now I'm home so it's my responsibility to make your day into something, you expected every single day to be like the weekends except I have to fucking work, you refuse to let me be tired and you shame and be mad at me from being tired from work, and I come home to either you crying and catatonic or you jumping down my back about everything I did wrong and all the ways I'm making you unhappy

3. We were spending $400 a weekend to either camp or get a hotel room. That was all the money I had, and you had no money. So we figured why not spend $1000 a month to have a place for ourselves with privacy, and spend the other money on cool stuff or save for our dream

Fucking day one the money was not enough. Our struggle with poverty but also your constant abuse about money started at day one. I was expected to go to work, except you hated when I went to work and fucked with me all day, and then I was supposed to come back with all the money in the world to give you and buy you everything you ever asked for. We signed a 1 year lease and 2 months in you were asking me when I'm buying you a better house.

It disgusts me how you treated my money and things. Every single thing I got for you, the novelty wore off in like a week and it wasn't good enough and you wanted something else. I get that you didn't have money of your own, and while we were truly poor I did withold money from you. I mean there was no point in pretending that money would go to any type of better future so I could've given you more of it. But fuck man. You directly tied your love and happiness to my money. Or, you held me hostage. If I didn't want to put up with a mental breakdown, I had better say yes to anything you ask. It felt like for weeks at a time the only words you spoke to me were for me to buy you something. Of course I said no and started getting mad at every question. You made me feel like all I was was a thing getter. We never talked about Bigfoot, or aliens, or ponies, or anime, or any cool stuff, all I ever heard was all these things you wanted or needed.

I regret what Im about to say because I already doubt that you have the balls to not take it the wrong way.

You bullshitted me about your craziness. You absolutely did not hide your LEVEL of craziness. But you bullshitted me and lured me in. You entrapped me.

See when we first met you straight up told me what your deal was. You also did multiple weird, dramatic, mentally ill things. You had your panic attacks, and self harm. I could see in how you acted how you had been hurt.

But that's not all what it was either. You had all kinds of crazy. But at first, you made it seem like you were just this poor innocent girl. These bad things just keep happening to you for no reason. You needed someone to rescue you. All you were missing was just some love and someone you could trust. You're just this innocent poor little wounded thing.

Whatever part of that may be true is true. But you advertised that. You created a narrative, you put yourself on display.

Then you moved in with me. It wasn't just this girl that was messed up and needed help now. No, I was the TARGET of your mentally ill behavior.

You pretended to be weak and helpless and in need of help. You were super crazy but never directed it at me and never had any form of attack or evilness behind it.

Then, when I was in the trap, when I couldn't just block your number and stop driving out there, you spun it around. Now, you're just toxic, destructive, and hurtful. You have these episodes, but they are all my fault now. You have that same sadness, but now it's all about things I did, things I have no control over, or things you want to guilt me into doing.

I know your soul. I speak with a clear head. I know that you were really really sick and mixed up inside. I know what it's like. But I'm also not fucking stupid, and I'm not blinded anymore. I saw those horrible thoughts and illness and feelings scoop you up so many times. I also saw so many times when there was a clear goal in the way you were acting. Far too often those behaviors were very fucking coincidental, very beneficial too you, very conveniently timed.

You are a snake and a liar. That is just a fact. I don't really think I can go as far to say which, if any of all, things you faked. A lot of it was done out of toxicity that I can't really explain the origins of. A lot of it was done for attention. A lot of it was for manipulation.

So look, I'm not accusing you of shit here, let me let up on you briefly. We both did both of these things. We both have both inside of us. There's that unconscious mental illness, those actual disorders and broken things and fucked up feelings and miswired things inside of us. Then there is that conscious mental illness, things we do intentionally, but they were sprung from disordered thinking. So that's why you did this shit. Most of it. I don't say this as set in stone but I think you did some of this just fully intentionally, fully to get a reaction or to manipulate, fully to serve your own needs, honestly just straight up faking them.

You are powerful. But you apparently thought a little lowly of me. That's the one card I never showed. From the day we met, I saw your bullshit. For the whole relationship, I saw all the times you lied to me. It is, to some degree, idk 70%-90%, disordered thinking from mental illness, and the exact way that abuse victims navigate life and try to control their situation. So it's not like your some evil asshole. If I could have convinced myself of that I wouldn't be writing this. I guess there's a possibility you didn't even know what you were doing, but I'm telling you no lies.

But I saw it all, fucker. And I loved you anyway. You were so used to the way you could manipulate people with your mental illness and your behavior, you were so casual to let a lie cross your lips, you've had so many people in your life wrapped around your finger and held hostage by your special needs and manipulated by the shit you do. I know I stood up to it a lot, but you never stopped doing it, so you must've really thought I wasn't seeing it. I saw it the whole fucking time. I knew every time you were just doing it for attention, or were exaggerating it to serve yourself. And I saw through every lie you told me. I saw through your character. You portay this character of this innocent naive girl, who does it all on accident, who doesn't know any better and can't control it. I saw the real you. Believe me and chew on that for a while. And everytime I saw hints of exaggeration or manipulation, I treated you no different. I gave you the benefit of the doubt even the times I knew you were lying.

You lied to me a lot. I guess I'll just pause here for a minute to say that. I know of a few lies that might have been pretty big, but I can't prove them. But the small lies? The fake stories? I saw them all. You were just used to other people, and a good liar, and you had no idea. I really make myself lesser in all my writing, but don't let it fool you. While I have been humbled, I truly am a beast in a mans world. I literally can't fucking remember far back enough to a time when someone easily lied to me or fooled me. Tricked me maybe, but lied? No. It is one of my skills, and it's a skill I've honed for years. Every day I see people lie to my face. I can't just call out every lie, this is how the world works. But I am unshakable in this, this is not an opinion I have of myself, this is a provable fact. I just laugh it off these days, but I see all the ways people lie, and if it is someone I interact with frequently, I begin to see through their ego and facade and see what they are really hiding. I've lost a lot of myself, and I was crazy for a time there, but I've never lost this, it is instinctual and automatic. As you read on, or read anythingI write, no matter what reality I present, don't waste your time by not accepting this. I always know what's really going on, I'm not easily tricked, and I see every lie, I see through every act.

You manipulated the fuck out of me though, and I let you. You are the most alone person on this world. Half of it is selfishness, and half of it is fear from all the people that have hurt you. It was a constant battle trying to convince you that I'm on the same side as you and you didn't have to play this game with me, for once in your life. So you "manipulated" me, but I was right there for you no matter what.

But that's what it was, manipulation. Manipulation so I would stay with you, do what you want, give you attention. You did it countless times. You also hid your true self and true motives from me, and presented me with a lie.

As far as you being crazy in the beginning, I've talked far too much about it already in this post. As far as your devious bullshit, I'm only starting. But I was trying to make a point. This ain't no God damn story where some perfect pupina was captured by some crazy psycho and abused. We were both nuts. You were nuts as FUCK when you moved in with me. You were acting so fucking wild, such massive swings, delusional behavior, hallucinations, conspiracy theories, being violent and destructive, all kinds of shit. It ain't no story about crazy me.

But I did wanna say how it made me feel. Life wasn't great, but this was before the progress stopped, so it was going bad yet. I had my problems, but I wasn't crazy yet. I was so gentle with you. I was sweet and comforting and tried to understand. I always tried to break through to you and help you. I was firm with you when I needed to be, when you were doing something straight up unacceptable, and I didn't freak out, I was firm. I was trying to help you. Some of these incidents were indeed 2 sided fights and shit. It hurt me man I got upset too. You're not the only person in the world allowed to be upset.

I always dropped what I was doing to be involved in your craziness. Every time you messaged me at work I played into it, either playing into it, fighting it, or trying to fix it. Every time you had some big dramatic episode I was right there inside of it. Every time you had some huge breakdown I was there comforting and helping you work it out and then cheer you up after it.

And it just didn't work. You just kept doing it. It made me feel horrible. I kept it to myself. I can't let your mental problems be about me. It was making me feel like I was not good enough, like I was gonna lose you, I wasn't doing enough. You were always sad about being away from home and I felt like that was my fault. It wasn't all manipulation. Sometimes you were just unhappy and sad and it made me feel so bad. I felt like I was doing everything I could but it wasn't enough. I was being as gentle and open more than I have ever been and you just keep being crazy and it made me feel horrible and felt like I was trapped with this person I loved so much but she won't let me help her and I'm doing everything I can as hard as I can and it wasn't enough.

It was mostly the medicine. First of all you can't just shove medicine into someone and not work through the things wrong with them. Second of all you weren't taking it consistently enough. So all this actually kinda stopped one day. Suddenly you were back to regular. You weren't flying around the house like a banshee anymore, you were swinging back over the place, your panic attacks lessened, your nightmares went away.

Then I feel like after that we had a period of actually confronting your problems and fears and it went pretty good.

But life was fuckin rough man, and I started going downhill.

Where were you for me? I regret saying this because its not your responsibility and there's not much you could have done.

But there's a lot you could have NOT done for fucks sakes.

All through your craziness I was there helping you, trying to convince you I really loved you and you could trust me. Doing everything I could to make you feel better and bring you back down to earth. Trying as hard as I could to figure you out and make it all okay for you.

The fuck did you do when I started slipping? You made it about you. You antagonized, you poked at it. When I started having meltdowns, you started triggering them on purpose. I loved you and never blamed you through your whole crazy period. Just wanted you to feel better and stop. But now that it was my turn, I was this evil guy. I was doing it on purpose and it was all about you. You never helped me, you never tried to calm me down, you always just made it worse. I told you what it was that was upsetting me, and you did it again, over and over again.

I mean Jesus christ. I gave you a fucking road map of how to help me. I went through all that shit with you the first 6 months of our relationship. I comforted you through it, reassured you, helped you talk about it, and you ended up getting a lot better.

When you had a freak out while you still lived in MP, I told you to get in the car and drive to me. I took my last $200 and got us a hotel and pizza. You were like a dead person, catatonic when I got there, covered in cuts, and barely could talk. I comforted you and got you all nice and relaxed and you started to cheer up a little. We even had sex. You had bad nightmares that night but I woke you up and took care of it.

What did you do when I freaked out? Like the first times, before it got really bad.. Either shut down completely, locked yourself in the bathroom, or sat there and yelled at me. You held it over my head the next day.

I used to do this thing to kammy a lot. Where I would just shut down or just lay in bed crying or just refuse to talk. And she actually worried about me. She would kinda be like come on! Get up! And I would refuse. And she would get a little frustrated sometimes. But she would keep trying. I did it because I was feeling bad inside, and I did it to be dramatic and get attention, just like you did. But eventually she would get on top of me or squeeze me or kiss me and finally show that she was really there for me, and I would slowly open up, and then we would talk, and I would feel better.

You did your version of this to me. You had a really bad sad day. Then the next day I came home from work and you were basically catatonic. Just like dead depressed. The next day I went and pawned my gun. A $1000 gun that had saved my life 3 times, my first and most important gun. I pawned it for $300, ended up getting in trouble at work, ended up paying $600 to pay it back, and still lost it, gone forever. But I went and got that $300 dollars. I came home from work, and you literally wouldn't move. You wouldn't respond to me, and you wouldn't talk. You didn't say a single word.

I knew you were feeling really really bad inside. I also knew that you were at the same time putting on an act. I dragged you out of bed and took you to this really nice restaurant. We got a ton of food. I got some food in you and what got you talking was the girls next to us were so annoying. You brightened up. I went and took you to get some toys or something. I don't remember what we did but I spent all the money and just tried really hard for several days to bring you out of that and get you feeling better.

So that thing I did with kammy. When I wasn't feeling good I would close off, and wanted attention. I did that with you I don't know, 50 times. Never. Fucking. Once. Did you do ANYTHING about it. I was feeling sad and overwhelmed and just wanted to show it. And I wanted you to show that you really cared and that you were worried about how I was acting. I wanted you to at least just lay there with me, maybe rub my back or arm, just give me some warmth. Show that you were concerned and wanted to make me feel better. Just do literally fucking anything to show you cared and wanted me to feel happy.

You ignored me every fucking time. Once I even hid under the bed to show that I was really upset and not feeling good and be really dramatic about it. So many times I tried to act sad for attention. Everyone does it, yeah it's bait. Every single time you ignored it. Not a kiss or a huge. Not really even ask if I was okay or if I needed something. Not even selfishly act like sad about it to get my sympathy. Nothing. Just ignored it every fucking time.

I mean literally everyone does this. You're feeling down and unloved and try to show it. And the person you're showing it to is supposed to come say hey are you okay? You're acting weird? Please talk to me? I love you? Nah. Not a God damn thing. I drove fucking 200 miles to come help you when you were feeling down, I spent money I didn't have, I held you through hours of tears. I couldn't get a fucking hug or a scrap of attention. For years, living with a borderline sociopath, I would get some love and attention when I was feeling bad, I would go lay in bed and refuse to talk or sit there looking and acting sad, and she would try to see what's wrong. Every time I ever did that when I was with you, I laid there until I cried myself to fucking sleep. The moment never came. Waking up the next day after that was as good as dying.

This is all before the change by the way. This is just us before everything got bad. But the situation we were in got longer, it stopped improving, it started getting worse. You honestly started being more hurtful once you stopped being so crazy. That was the point where you straight up started causing problems and fucking with me and being stubborn and shit. But yeah, I returned it, I started going really crazy and being mean too.

But that's the thing. You got a lot better and we got a little more settled in to our shitty life and got more comfortable with each other. Your moods stopped swinging and you stopped be unpredictable.

Before I go on I still just don't think I really said how it made me feel when you were crazy all the time. I loved you and I was there for you for anything and I never wanted to lose you. But you were unpredictable, always having some crazy problem, always doing some absolutely crazy shit. It was all in my heart, that's what I'm getting at I guess. I had so much sympathy for you and was trying to help so much, and I saw your pain and sickness. But it was a lot dude. It was terrifying. I loved you and just wanted to hang out and be best friends but you were unpredictable, always seemed like you were gonna do something really crazy, always thought I would come home to find you had killed yourself, you threatened to do it all the time, you refused to talk to me, it felt like you were fucking with me and it was all my fault and I was so horrible and I couldn't help you. Idk man it was really fucking hard and scary. I just did my best to try to help and I always wanted to be with you and we ended up getting through it and it made me really happy. It just pulled my emotions all over the place non stop and scared me and upset me all the time.

But yeah we got past that part. But you just kept being a fucker. You just kept fucking with me. And now it wasn't about illness, or your past abuse, it wasn't a scared little innocent girl, it wasn't acting out for attention because you needed to be shown love. Nah. You were just being a brat, a bitch, an asshole, just saying shit that hurt me straight on, just directly manipulating me, no weirdness or nuance to it anymore, nope just deliberate.

Also, you defined yourself as a BPD. You didn't identify as someone who had BPD and was struggling to fight it and live her life. No, you identified as a walking embodiment of BPD itself. Every action you did was explained by it, the whole way you saw the world was BPD. It was partially munchausen, you were trained by psychologists and abusers to see yourself this way, and see yourself as broken and needs to be medicated. I gave you love and strength to see otherwise. But still, that's how you saw everything at first, and let yourself off the hook for everything.

And, for fucks sake. You told me you didn't love me and that you're just a BPD girl. You told me I was just your Favorite Person now and I was just your everything now. We had this romantic as fuck love story and we legit fell in love, that wasn't in my head and you were an active participant. But then one day you said the other version, not that we met and had adventures and fell in love, but that I randomly encountered some BPD abomination and now I was a part of your BPD and that's why you put thought and effort into me. Not that you love me, but because you're a BPD. Imagine how the fuck it made me feel to listen to that absolute horseshit.

You are the most selfish and self centered person I've ever met. You literally regularly said, it's my world and you're all just living in it. And you just barely said it like a joke. Someone said that to tease you about your personality one day, and you said but damn you right tho, and you adopted that as you're motto and way of life.

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