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deyadee · 1 year

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Aesthetic

I’ve always had this fascination with wanting to find my own aesthetic. I’ve adored goth fashion but I can never get into it because I picture myself in the accessories and want to puke. I’d look so fucking ugly and those tights would accentuate every inch of my fat. So much of aesthetic feels like it’s reserved for people that are attractive. Sorry honey, you’re too fat, go back to blending into the background and praying people don’t sneer when they look at you.

I actually bought some black tights to wear and after forever of getting them on I just glanced at the mirror and saw a fucking moron standing in front of me. My legs are short as hell compared to my torso so I look like a fucking fool. Just another reminder of why I shouldn’t ever fucking try.

Anyway, I’ve always wanted to find an aesthetic for myself. Goth just looks so beautiful and I’m captivated by anyone wearing it that I can’t help but stare. Those all-pastel-pink moodboards are so enchanting that I could sucked into a vortex of just admiring them all day. Watching complications of nostalgic 2000s things or liminal spaces just transports me to somewhere where I can just indulge in the memories and in the visuals.

So I decided to go through the A-Z aesthetic list on the aesthetic fandom wiki. I got about to F before giving up. I found one that kind of suits me, but even then not really. Each one I read through, each image, each description just showed me that I don’t fit in with anyone. Not in the cliché “cute girl-next-door YA protag that doesn’t fit in but is the chosen one and actually really cool” kind of way. Like I’m just fucking boring. No personality. Which is true. That’s something your mom will never tell you, because it’s easy to go your entire life knowing someone and it’s easy for you to spend your life never realizing you’ve got fucking nothing going on because no one truly fucking pays attention to your personality as long as it’s not completely shitty.

All of the aesthetics I felt kind of fit me or that I liked didn’t truly fit me. Being goth isn’t about being depressed and liking the color black or an all Halloween-esque ideal, being goth is about rebellion. It’s about fighting against “the man.” Patriarchy, society, upper-class, whatever the fuck you wanna say it is. What am I rebelling against? Nothing. I’m a fucking spineless loser whose had her entire life handed to her by her parents who actually worked hard to give her a life they didn’t have- only for her to stab them in the back and be a useless fucking waste of space. I profit from everything goth rebels against. So therefore, I’m a Mall-Goth. Only liking the outer appearance of things and not knowing the true depth.

I thought maybe something relating to Japanese or anime aesthetics might work, but again- I’m just a fucking weeaboo. I don’t know shit about the culture, I just mock it by being fat and ugly and using it as an escape from real life.

Nostalgia-related perhaps? Nope. Based mostly on regressing to escape from trauma or coping with the present. What the fuck do I need to goddamn cope with? I don’t have trauma. I wasn’t abused. I had shit friends and made shit decisions. A normal fucking childhood.

So what was the aesthetic that I found somewhat captured me?

Femcel Weeaboo, and Mall-Goths. So I guess I lied. But originally I only really looked into Femcel. Which hit the nail on the head, but the mood felt wrong. As bitchy and sad as I am on this blog, I’d say it’s only the most negative aspects and moments of me. The majority of my life I’m a bot on autopilot. Not happy, not sad. Existing. Not thinking about the consequences of my actions or trying to improve myself, or even being proud of myself. Just fucking there. So that’s where the Mall-Goths come in. Where I don’t give enough of a shit about anything to pick a side and just end up being a fucking poser.

I’m too much of a normie to fit into these groups I’ve always aspired to be in and modeled my entire view of fashion and beauty after, but I’m too fucking weird and niche (and fat/ugly) to be accepted by normies. Too fucking self-aware to be something, but too oblivious to not be.

Aesthetic is just fucking concepts to shove beauty into certain boxes while still shoving out anyone they don’t agree with or looks how they want.

#femcel

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