#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation? #uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made #friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go #bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple #the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula #for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b #concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown #its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a #healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take #more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end #of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me #and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this #project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data #bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i #just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem #bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping #ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and #classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die #my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday #who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio #majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes #b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative #ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week #until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad #who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we #die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him #its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of #sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol #whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄 #unrelated

[shrubforhire]

Hey all the flirty asks

ugh ive reblogged so many ask memes without u bitches finding them

also come off anon you fucking coward

flirty asks

1: are you single? yea 2: do you like anyone right now? ehhhhhh 3: how do you act when you have a crush? hhh honestly i dont know. sometimes i just like heavy avoid them, but sometimes i’ll tag along to things just to hangout w them 4: which gender(s) are you into? weeman for sure, & not a day goes by where im certain how i feel about men yeehaw the world is awful 5: how long do you need to know someone before you can develop feelings for them? any time span lmao usually after like at least a couple weeks til i actually realize it, but its been like months at a time in the past 6: are you usually the first one to make a move? dear god no, my first kiss was the only time ive made the first move bc im an insecure coward and a bottom 7: how could someone make you swoon? literally anything,,, when ppl do music stuff i am especially weak bc its just,, so sweet and lovely when someone plays music or sings and music is so special i could go off forever i love music 8: what’s something romantic you wish someone would do for you? love me without changing their mind a couple weeks later yeet 9: do you like pda? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,yes 10: do you get flustered when someone is flirting with you? almost exclusively,, i cant even take a normal compliment well so when ppl flirt with me i combust 11: favorite pet names?

something abt babe,, mayb its just cuz this girl i liked in hs said it to me in this really,, specific way and then i fell in love with her

12: how do you show affection? usually its more in my voice & inflection and stuff, i get kinda nervous abt touching ppl cause i dont want them to be uncomfortable so usually i just kinda open up my body language & i like speaking tenderly 13: would you consider being with multiple people romantically? i would worry abt being insecure that ppl dont like me as much, i would try it, but i dont think it would work bc im just not there yet 14: do you like playing footsies? i rly havent tried it but i kinda wanna see what its like 15: what are your favorite things to do with your tongue? i genuinely have no idea what this is asking so im gonna give an unsexy answer lmao, i like resting my tongue between my teeth sometimes bc its quirky ;P 16: do you like being kissed (and if so, where)? yea!! ive only ever been kissed like around the face & it was alright but itd be cool to try other places 17: what songs get you in the mood? hahaha,,,,, i have a whole playlist for that but uuuuhhhhhhh lately ive been feeling war! by zach callison

18: favorite massage technique? WELL i actually took cosmetology for a semester in hs so let me tell u, some nice effleurage on the forearm complimented with petrissage all down the forearm and into the palm is very nice bc no one realizes how tense their hands and arms get from being alive each day. I used to give my friends massages all the time in hs & it was rly fun 19: which spots are your sensitive spots? literally everywhere. idk why im like this but someone can just absentmindedly grab my arm and my whole body recoils lmao, like especially my inner arm area is rly sensitive for no reason 20: do you prefer when people are rough or gentle with you? both but switching between them rapidly 21: do you like to take charge or do you like being handled? i feel like theres a universe where i could take charge but id much rather be handled 22: what’s your favorite flirty move? i like,, do not have one lmao,, i guess sitting around and staring into their eyes hoping theyll read my mind,,,,,, yeah gotta work on that 23: describe a time you won someone over with flirting i dont think this has happened?? at least not to my knowledge. the fact that ive ever been involved with anyone is a fucking mystery since i act like such a fucking bottom all the time 24: describe a time someone won you over with flirting every single time? idk i fall in love with anyone whos even remotely nice to me so, its not hard? 25: vague about someone you like romantically or platonically absolutely not