#hi r76 tag im back with pacrim au and trauma! hope u missed me

[crawgluvr4]

(warnings: flashbacks of csa, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.)

ana invents the drift within a year of the start of the crisis, contracted by first the egyptian military and then the american, to help them chase a pipe dream. 

something as big as the kaiju to defeat them. something out of a movie, a giant robot capable of safely dispatching the monsters. a familiar tale. they do not say why they need human pilots but it has a lot to do with human judgement and also propaganda. she obliges because the world is on the line.

ana invents the drift, allowing two people to share the neural load of piloting a machine hundreds of times their size. concurrently, the US government plows through five hundred disposable soldiers and get two worth using. she meets them once before the test and she is surprised at how immediately she finds herself caring about their wellbeing. she tells the doctors that the drift will not discriminate between current and past thought, that all memories and thoughts will be shared, and the two soldiers must be aware of this. it’s a huge risk to their health. the doctors nodded their heads and agreed with her and said of course and yes and they fully understand the risks. and she, young, foolishly trusted them to put empathy before efficiency. to put care before brute force. 

neither man enters the drift knowing the burden of it, neither are prepared for the overwhelming surge of memories that will occur. telepathy is a vague concept. you tell a soldier desperate to save the world, one of two of five hundred that survived a procedure designed to make them untouchable - you tell him they’ve invented a telepathic method of controlling something capable of destroying the monsters decimating the world and he will go for it. they both do. no matter what, they would have agreed. 

but it would have been nice to know what was coming. 

gabriel takes right and jack takes left. the helmets have not been refined yet and the neural gel is sickening and it takes jack longer to learn to breathe in it than they would like. ana is as ever the only one concerned for them and uses all the threat she can muster to give them time to adjust. she knows if this is successful she will have much less weight because she legally will have to sign over her research, but they will still need her. for efficiency. 

they’re both nervous but this is before they know anything, so gabriel comes across as cold and focused and jack comes across as confident and a bit arrogant. it's the surface personality each will maintain throughout the rest of their lives until the jaeger explodes in the mediterranean sea. gabriel does it because he wants people to trust his judgement, and jack does it because he wants people to believe in him. it's a roundabout method to the same goal; something they always manage to do. 

jack gets used to breathing and gabriel cracks a smile through his otherwise stern facade, which makes jack nervous in a better way, because he’s not quite acknowledging that he’s basically in love with gabriel. which is fine, because in the past three months since their briefing on the jaeger mission he has been practicing deflecting his thoughts so gabriel wont read them, something he is now uncomfortably good at. this will later be a fatal flaw of his - deflection. not thinking about what needs to be thought about. when drifting becomes refined jack will immediately master the ability to deflect and wall off thoughts and memories, and as such become a template for an ideal drift partner. but for now he is twenty-one and still really truly believes that despite how the government has treated him in the past year that they are telling the truth right now. 

ana's hands tremble as she sets up the machines for the handshake. she has no idea what is about to happen because she is nearly twenty-four and probably the most sensible person in the world right now but her mistrust is not yet enough either. she will regret ignoring the voice that tells her that, despite barely knowing these men, she should talk to them herself about the danger. 

gabriel gives them the all clear. jack watches him and follows suit a moment after. ana inputs the command to initiate neural handshake and says “neural handshake initi-” and doesn’t get to finish it before the computers go wild. 

when you enter the drift there is two seconds of silence as the minds sync. if two pilots are incompatible enough the drift will drop and nothing of importance will be shared, just a moment of disorienting silence. when pilots are compatible, this period is the calm before the storm. after the drift is developed properly people will be trained to think slowly. when overwatch scrabbles itself together years after its fall the training will be largely abandoned in lieu of efficiency and jack will think about the irony of this first and pass the thought onto gabriel. as it stands they have two seconds before jack suddenly thinks “what-” and the memories follow like the tail of a comet. 

what happens is this; two decades of memories, of things neither had ever intended to share, of memories forgotten to their mind, are shared in the span of twenty seven excruciating seconds. 

gabriel sees:

his father come in from the fields and he’s angry so angry because one of the machines broke down today and he won’t take it into town to fix it because he has some sense of pride or something and he knows by the look on his mothers face what his father is going to do, to vent his frustrations he takes a knife and starts cutting up the trees in the forest but then feels so bad he breaks down and cries. the way his fathers hands are only ever used to hurt to scar and to molest. the way the fields look like when it’s night and you stare from the crack of the barn door and try try as you can to leave your body and leave what is being done to you here. his sister’s silhouette on the porch. don’t forget to write.

which makes no sense because as long as he remembers gabriel has lived in the city. 

jack sees:

a loving family that accepts their son when he comes out as their son and cannot understand why he tries to kill himself when he's sixteen, and when he leaves for the military they still dont understand but its the same thread. don't forget to write. he doesn’t write and he doesn’t talk about his relationship with the much older girl his mother was so fond of because she was so polite to her face despite the cruel things she would say to gabriel about her. about how nobody in his family was really there for him, just her, and when she tells him he’s so mature for his age and how good he is in bed for his age he can only take it as the compliment a child feels it is. and he can only blame himself so desperate he is for a different kind of validation and then the guilt of not finding his family’s support enough and seeking it elsewhere drives him off the edge and he can still feel it, the horrible drag of metal through skin and muscle and veins. the way his mother had held his hand and said please don’t die, and two years later the same words as he leaves california behind because how can he tell them he can’t bear to be around her? 

which makes no sense because jack has never visited california and has never even seen the sea.

this is what the drift is. the holder of each memory loses ownership of it to the space between them, involuntary, unbidden, every scrap of pain they have ever felt flitting back and forth between them until they aren’t sure who started with what. in twenty seven seconds both receive the others lifetime of trauma imparted without will or consent, and unable to look away. and worst of all are the things that they had tucked away, forgotten long ago but still stored in some unreachable part of memory - 

gabriel holds his mothers hand at his grandmother's funeral. in whispers he hears his uncle say: why is she here, she isn't even her real kid. and his mother stiffens and goes silent but gabriel is aware she is crying, quietly. but he is young and knows nothing and she is just mourning, after all, mourning her mother. he doesn't see that uncle aside from at big family gatherings and while he is ostracised loosely otherwise in this memory nobody disagrees with him just tuts and tells him to stop that it's not the time or place. his mother is the youngest child and always was the odd one out of her siblings. 

jack remembers before his mother stopped caring and before his father turned to sexual abuse of them both; and they’re at some shopping centre he never did learn the name of and there’s a manmade river cutting through the the centre. there are swans with their babies and jack is holding his sister's hand very tightly and his mother has one hand on his shoulder and says honey you have to learn when to be gentle and when to be firm. know when you're hurting other people. and he loosens his grip and she does not tumble into the river and there are two cygnets and two parent swans and jack thinks what a happy family. the next day his father will push him up against the wall in anger because he is seven and forgot to tidy his room and his mother will argue with his father but also tell jack to try to behave more. 

so what happens is: gabriel sees what jack saw, and jack sees what gabriel saw, and it takes twenty seven seconds before ana hits the emergency desync (because she does not understand what a random access brain impulse trigger is yet) during which time it feels like they are both reliving an entire lifetime. 

jack's first coherent words once they desync are “please, i'm so sorry, please, please forgive me” although it takes a lot of effort for the medical staff to parse this. 

gabriel understands immediately - because now he knows exactly how jack reacts after panic - and jack knows gabriel’s silence is not cruelty but dissociation and that he can't say anything when he is barely in his own body. 

a week later gabriel will ask jack for his forgiveness as well. years later they will almost find it absurd. something to look back on as the start of something better, maybe, just handled so poorly its almost comedic. they understand then that neither of them needed to apologise to the other for what was done to them and that at least they learned good things too, at least they learned how to protect other people from ever experiencing that again. 

but right now jack is retching and the medical staff are checking gabriel for brain hemorrhaging because it's the only real risk they know to check for. physically, he is fine, though pulse elevated and breathing somewhat shallow. the trauma is mental. ana is screaming at the chief medical officer who is fired on the spot despite receiving direct orders to push the pilot testing asap. ana will feel responsibility for this for the rest of her career, going above and beyond friendship for the two men whose trust she feels she irrevocably broke. 

they don't even think about her, in this moment, all but alone despite the swarming medical and military staff. they are still thinking another man's thoughts. for twelve seconds after the end of the drift the psychic link remains, and though it's a messy swirl of disgust and panic and horror, there is one coherent thought: i'm so sorry you understand. 

#reaper76 #hi r76 tag im back with pacrim au and trauma! hope u missed me #pacrim au compliant #you can really tell i was like Fuck structure i gotta do stream of consciousness right now immediately