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#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse
opens-up-4-nobody
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7 months
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#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?
#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we
#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to
#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.
#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in
#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when
#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing
#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will
#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do
#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r
#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even
#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a
#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?
#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything
#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i
#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with
#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno
#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is
#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse
#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday
#unrelated
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