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bigskydreaming · 4 years

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I think i have adhd, my family doesn't believe me. They really support me, but they don't want to notice all the symptoms, i think because they think it'll be worst...

That sucks anon, and I’m sorry to hear that! I want to first caution you that I am ultimately just a random stranger on the internet and you should always back up or verify elsewhere advice you get that way before proceeding just on someone like me’s say-so.

But if you were looking just for ideas on where maybe to go from here….am I assuming correctly from your context that you’re still a minor or in school? If so, is there any kind of guidance counselor that you feel or would feel comfortable expressing this to, to ask their opinion on how to go about having a productive conversation about this topic with your family?

That would be my first suggestion, IMO….always seek out someone you can interact with face to face who specializes in helping with this very kind of thing (or whatever the problem may be). In order to get somewhere productive with anything like this, its really really ideal that you find someone to bounce thoughts off of who knows you personally, face to face, or can get to know you that way…that you also feel comfortable enough with that you’re not likely to give them misleading or half-answers to questions that are only helpful if they’re answered fully and accurately….and above all, you feel SAFE with them.

I can not stress that last part enough. Your safety in anything sensitive is paramount, and its really hard to make the most out of any situation if you don’t feel comfortable and secure with whomever is helping you through it. And something like this is a situation that really ultimately benefits the most from someone who can interact with you real time, in real space.

But back to your specific situation, since you said you do feel safe and supported by your family, which is really great and puts you in a really good position to find a positive resolution to this that you’re happy with….if its not a matter of being scared to approach them about this, but just having trouble coming across as credible….

Ultimately I think the best thing to do is just….keep trying to have this conversation. Try not to get too frustrated with them for not responding the way you really want or ultimately need them to, and when one approach doesn’t work….try again.

I know being ADHD that kind of trial and error thinking isn’t the easiest thing in the world to commit to, so if you truly do have ADHD like you suspect, it might be that you have trouble committing to that exact kind of approach and that’s the problem…..and so my advice there is just take a step back, breathe, and try your best to lower your stress and anxiety about this matter, because those things only exacerbate ADHD, just in my personal experience. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to resolve this as fast as possible, even if (understandably) you really want to see progress on this sooner rather than later. As long as you’re in a safe, supportive environment….you have time.

Your situation may not be as ideal as you’d like it to be, compared to if you got your parents convinced to help you get tested and find a possible diagnoses and from their, potentially either medication or behavior/mindset tricks and skills aimed at helping ADHD individuals compensate for the ways our brains work even when medication isn’t viable….

But from the sounds of it, your situation also isn’t one where time sensitivity is actively worsening or threatening to worsen your situation. If I’m wrong about that, let me know, as a lot of this doesn’t apply then, or isn’t the best train of thought….but if I’ve assumed correctly there, the best thing you can do for yourself is cut yourself a bit of a break. Commit to not abandoning this and still seeking ways to convince your family to hear you out the way you feel you’re not being heard, currently…..but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get that accomplished immediately or according to any kind of arbitrary deadline. You don’t need to give yourself more reasons to stress. You need to find yourself more room to breathe.

So even if your thought patterns make it hard to sit down and have a conversation with your family that’s as productive as you want it to be, or where you make your case as strongly as you feel you’ve made it to yourself…..the second you allow yourself TIME to work towards those goals without putting pressure on yourself to achieve them NOW NOW NOW…..you’ll be doing yourself a world of good.

If you have trouble saying everything you want to say in a conversation and tend to be hard on yourself afterwards as you only then remember things you wanted to say but forgot to….just remember its not too late just because you didn’t say them in the previous conversation….you can still say them in the next one you have. Also, try planning ahead. Don’t try and do too much at one time, just whenever you’re fairly relaxed, have nothing else weighing on you, and you’re thinking about this, jot down what you want to say for as long as your brain cooperates and you’re getting out the words the way you want them to get out…..and then when they stop flowing….just give yourself permission to stop.

You were still productive. You still accomplished something. You didn’t figure out everything you want to cover all in one sitting, but you don’t need to. Put your notes aside until the next time you find yourself in a similar spot of free time and cooperative headspace, start naturally thinking about this again….and pull out that piece of paper or open up that file, don’t even try reading or going over the whole thing….just refresh yourself on the last couple things you put down to help synch up your thoughts then with your thoughts now….and right down whatever comes to you as something you want to say while you’re thinking of it now.

Its okay if you write the same things twice or repeat yourself. You can always just delete one of them later when you review everything you wrote down before you try and have the actual conversation with your family. And its okay if its slow going. Its better to be thorough than to be fast, as long as urgency isn’t a factor, and instead of focusing on not getting as much done as you wanted to get done in a sitting, focus on the fact that you productively made progress, actual steps, closer towards getting you to where you want to be. That’s all that matters, ultimately. Once you reach your end goal and get results you’re happy and satisfied with one way or another, its not going to matter how you went about getting there or how long it took you.

In matters like this, the end goal, the destination, is really what matters most, and so don’t stress so much about what the road getting there looks like, so long as you can keep making steps forward, in whatever amounts and however often you can without wearing yourself out…and eventually, you’ll get there. Momentum isn’t important. Just that you keep going, period, and you keep moving in the right direction.

And as for convincing your family specifically…..obviously there’s specific things about yourself and your ways of thinking that make you suspect you might be ADHD….write down what those are. However works for you without also putting too much unnecessary stress or pressure on yourself, google ADHD symptoms, signs, find official sources online that say things about ADHD that coincide with the things about yourself you think match these specifics. Write down those links or print things out, have them with you when you ask your family to sit down and have a conversation about this.

Prepare ahead of time a list of examples of your own behavior or mannerisms that you feel match up to certain ADHD tendencies. If any of them are things your family probably has noticed about you or seen happen, all the better, because you can point them to something they already have a mental image of, connect that to a source saying this might be a sign of ADHD, and then ideally, link it back to something you’ve thought about that makes clear to them why you feel this is something you need to see addressed, and how you might benefit from getting diagnosed and seeing this addressed one way or another.

The more you can manage to prepare and gather together ahead of time, before you bring this up with them next, the more this is likely IMO to convey how important this conversation is to you and how seriously you’re taking this….and that, more than anything, is what’s likely to make them sit up and take notice, and hopefully get them to match your energy in ways that make you feel like you’re being heard now and they’re taking this and taking you seriously.

And try and keep in mind, if you’re having trouble convincing them to believe you as you said…..don’t jump to assuming the worst at any point if you don’t have to. Don’t assume it means they don’t take you seriously or don’t respect your opinion….remember that your parents and family are human too, and none of us are infallible, and we all have things we have preconceived opinions on. If for some reason your parents are seeming particularly resistant to the idea you might be ADHD….there could be a million different explanations for what’s going on in their heads that’s making them resistant, and its very likely that most of them don’t even have anything to do with you.

They’ve been around a lot longer than you no matter how old you are, lol, which means they have both a lot more experiences and a lot more things influencing them towards whatever beliefs they already have about this subject, before you even bring it up.

If worst comes to worst, it might be worth a try to shift gears and stop trying to convince them to believe you at all. Instead just focus on expressing to them that right or wrong, this is something you feel very strongly about and is very implanted in your head, and if nothing else, getting tested and an official diagnosis could suggest that you may not be ADHD or there might be another explanation for the things that made you suspect that, and being diagnosed in this direction could still be to your benefit, as it might open up more avenues for you to explore.

I don’t think this would be lying to them or misleading to them as long as you’re open….even though you’re convinced you’re right and a diagnosis will bear this out….there’s nothing dishonest about you simply expressing that regardless of whether anyone actually believes you’re right, you strongly believe this is something you need explored, and that’s worth attention in and of itself. As long as you feel supported and safe as you talk this through with them, that suggests that the basic matter of how important this is to you….that’s going to be important to them as well. If they care about the fact that right or wrong, you care very strongly about this….that can be more than enough!

They don’t need to believe you yet themselves, just to believe that it matters to you to see this explored, even if its to have your own belief refuted and given alternative explanations. I know its frustrating to be sure you’re right and can’t get anyone else on board with that - believe me, I do - but just keep in mind your ultimate goals! The successful outcome for you isn’t getting your family to believe you’re right, specifically….its getting your family to believe this is important enough to you to be worth exploring, no matter what the end outcome is. It’ll be frustrating to feel like they might just be humoring you, but as long as that’s still advancing you towards your ultimate goal of getting answers for yourself….you’re still being productive, you’re still getting closer to your goal.

It doesn’t cost you anything but pride to accept that they don’t need to fully believe or agree with you to at least cooperate with you in taking things to where you feel this conversation needs to lead. It might suck, but again, just keep your eye on your ultimate goal and what you feel you stand to gain from that. I think in the longrun, looking back in hindsight, any pride it costs to feel like your parents weren’t totally convinced by you and needed an official diagnosis to concede you’re right……like, that’s still nothing compared to the relief and improvement to your mental health and quality of life that you could potentially get from actual answers to your questions about yourself and why you do or don’t do certain things.

Find your specific goal, focus on what you hope to gain from it, and just….keep your eye on that at all times as you move forward, and don’t sweat the small stuff along the way. In the end, once you get where you wanted to go, its all gonna be small stuff in comparison….you likely won’t even remember the specifics of how you felt at various stages along the way, and even if you do, it won’t matter compared to you feeling good about where you are by then, and how you’ve benefited from reaching that point.

I hope there’s something helpful for your specific situation somewhere in all that, and again, don’t just take my word for it, back up or even challenge anything and everything here with other POVs on this. Explore what makes the most sense to you, what feels the most actionable to you, and what is ultimately the most comfortable for you. And again, above all else, just prioritize feeling as safe and secure and supported as possible through all of this. Don’t underestimate the power of having a family you feel is actually supportive of you. As far as anyone I’ve ever met goes, people generally don’t feel confident about saying their family is supportive unless there’s reasons they actually feel that to be true.

Oh, lots of people might generically express they’re sure their family loves them, just on general principle, like, of course they do, that’s what families do, right?

*Shrugs* Regardless, you said you feel supported by them, and that was your word choice, and in my experience that tends to mean something. You wouldn’t have led with a word that specific if you didn’t have something in mind making you feel that was an accurate one word description of them…..so focus on whatever it is about your family that makes you feel that way, makes you feel that’s true, and just…..remember not to forget that at any point through all of this, even when you’re most frustrated or feel furthest from getting where you want to be.

But don’t underestimate the power of having a family who genuinely just wants what’s best for you - and in that specific context, don’t forget there’s a potential avenue to explore if you decide its enough that you convince them to believe this is really important to you, that you really need their support on THIS specifically, even if just to settle yourself and get peace of mind one way or another. Don’t make it about convincing them you’re right, if that’s not what it actually has to be about, to get the end results you’re most trying to reach. All of that can come later…..just focus on getting them on the same page as you in feeling this is worth exploring.

And btw, apologies if you’re not a minor, which you very well might not be. I figured it was safer just to assume that and approach this question from that specific context. I think all of this applies pretty equally no matter what age you are, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t leave out or overlook any angle that might specifically affect the situation in the case of a minor or a teenager still under legal age.

And again, just to reiterate the most important part of all of this:

I AM NOT AN EXPERT OR AN AUTHORITY. PLEASE DO NOT TREAT MY WORD OR OPINION ON THIS AS BEING EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF AN EXPERT OR PROFESSIONAL ON THESE MATTERS.

I’m just a random older guy on the internet who is glad to be of any help he can, but wants to make sure that you not only stay safe and comfortable as you go about this with the people in your day to day life….but ALSO that nobody gets in the habit of getting too comfortable with just trusting the word of any random tumblr user in terms of specific advice…especially with family matters or matters of health or mental health.

I’m honored you value my words enough to approach me about this and I hope my response treated this with the responsibility it deserves, but please always make a habit of running any advice you get from social media past a couple different sources. And don’t just look for repeats of what’s already been said….look for contrary opinions, challenge what someone told you to see if that knocks any holes in it….and decide what to believe based on what holds up best under the scrutiny YOU apply and YOU believe is more relevant to your situation.

Ultimately its your life, you have to live with wherever any advice you take leads, so the most relevant advice is still always going to be the advice that you personally trust the most….because that’s ultimately the only way you’re going to be able to take comfort with whatever else happens at that point, knowing that you at least did your due diligence, challenged the advice before acting on it, and went with the advice that you felt was strongest or prepared you best.

And I also just want to express to you and any other followers in general…..I do try and be as genuine as possible on here, and I do genuinely just want the best for anyone who sends me an ask like this….but I don’t want to encourage it and also I don’t want to discourage it.

By that I mean, I don’t want to say don’t ask me for personal advice ever…..because if something is weighing on you that you need someone’s opinion on and you honestly can’t think of anyone else you trust more to give you an answer you think will help….then I’d rather you ask me or someone else online than just not ask anyone at all. Because I know for a fact that not everyone does have people in their day to day life that they can trust with sensitive questions, and everyone needs some help or insight or even just a sounding board on occasion. Better you ask someone at all, rather than just shove it down and remain bothered by it, with no outlet.

BUT. BUT BUT BUT.

At the same time, please ALWAYS keep in mind when asking personal advice of a stranger on the internet….no matter how genuine we come across as, we are still ultimately strangers on the internet. That doesn’t necessarily mean the advice you get won’t be helpful or is automatically untrustworthy….it just means….consider whatever advice you get PURELY on its own merits. Look at simply in terms of what was actually said, and how that compares to other things you’ve read and heard, and how it might or might not apply or benefit your situation. Wherever and whenever possible, remove the tumblr user giving the advice from the equation….don’t make them and your overall impression of them relevant to how much weight you give to the advice. Don’t follow advice you ultimately don’t feel comfortable with just BECAUSE its a big name or popular tumblr user who said it.

Treat the advice as if you just found it written on a piece of paper that just appeared on the sidewalk in front of you, with no idea who left it for you or what their intentions in doing so might be…..and just weigh the words themselves. Where the advice you found online came from shouldn’t influence how much weight you give that advice UNLESS it came from someone or somewhere online that you can VERIFY as an ACTUAL expert or authority on the specific subject the advice is intended to address.

If the advice you get is solid, it should be able to stand on its own under scrutiny, regardless of who said it. If the advice seems flimsy or causes doubts for you at ANY point, to ANY degree…..seek additional advice and viewpoints elsewhere. Get a second, third, fourth opinion if need be. Compare and contrast, seek as many viewpoints as you can devote time to looking for.

And above all, guys, please stay safe. Keep in mind that however trustworthy I come across as to you, I’m glad for that, but just as a general habit and good practice (especially the younger you are yourself)….always keep in mind I’m a fair bit older than the average users on here, and that neither makes me an automatic expert or authority on anything, nor should it make me your first choice to discuss sensitive matters with. I would prefer anyone who does feel a need to seek my advice with questions like this….please stay anonymous, keep your privacy secure, and ask your question in ways that the answer will be helpful to you even without me ever knowing who you are. Keep this practice in mind with all adults you interact with on a personal level here.

There’s no reason for me or any tumblr user my age to need to carry on a private conversation with unpublished private asks back and forth on personal matters about your private life, if you’re anywhere under twenty. Not only am I likely not to answer those (because even a follow up anon question that sounds similar is likely to be from the URL I’ve already seen you use), they’d make me personally uncomfortable and set a precedent I don’t want to encourage, and for your own safety, I don’t think its a good idea to get too comfortable interacting with any older adult blogger in privacy, or approaching them privately. Same goes for direct messaging.

Anything like this, I am happy to help if I can and I’ll be honest about not being able to if I can’t….but any advice I can offer in situations like these will be just as relevant as a response to an anon ask published in public, as it would be in private. Just protect yourself and remove all identifying information you don’t feel safe seeing posted publicly even WITH you being anonymous…..and just ask whomever you’re seeking advice from on anon in a way that will help you even if they just answer in more general terms, directed to their blog audience as a whole.

Better safe than sorry, wherever possible. Your safety online is just as paramount as your safety in real life physical spaces. Above all else, always stick to spaces where you feel comfortable and secure, and like you have power and agency to protect yourself and remove yourself from any situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or anxious. Don’t make this a reason to feel you have to stay isolated and afraid to connect with others online at all - definitely not what I’m trying to say. Just….always keep in mind what you do or don’t know about another person, before deciding whether they’re the best person to entrust with various things you might want to tell them. Err on the side of caution.

Seek out peers in your own age group first, and ideally prioritize interacting with them first and foremost. Doesn’t mean you can’t have older friends….just….its okay to have different styles and different levels of friendship with different friends, relative to their different ages. Focus sharing your more age specific life experiences with other friends your own age. Just…all things in moderation, you know? You can certainly value the insight and words and friendship of someone much older than you, but don’t make them the be all and end all of your online social circles is all I’m saying. Have people you feel are at the same stage of life as you and going through the same kinds of things currently, who you can turn to or fall back on when you need to. Its important to keep people in your life that you feel are your clear peers in every way….who you don’t feel intimidated by to any degree because of them being older or more experienced or whatever. The most valuable friendships IMO are going to be the ones that not only can do the most for you, who give you what you’re seeking most in a friend or friendship…..but that at the same time, you have just as much to give them, offer them, in terms of what they’re looking for in a friend or friendship. Don’t ever underestimate the importance…the necessity…of feeling like an equal partner in a relationship rather than a junior partner. Its ideal to feel like you’re contributing as much to their life as you feel they contribute to yours. So you don’t feel dwarfed or overshadowed, and because its important to be aware of our own importance to other people. To feel that reassurance that we matter, we make a difference in someone else’s lives….that they are the richer for our friendship and we offer them something unique to our particular bond that they’re not going to get in the same way from any other friend.

Seek out and prioritize friends that make you feel like you’re worth as much to them as they feel they’re worth to you. And if you maybe feel this doesn’t characterize a friendship you have already, once you look at it in these terms….if this makes you uncomfortable once its in your awareness, that doesn’t mean there’s necessarily something inherently WRONG or BAD about that friendship or that friend….it could just be that you’ve realized that whatever that friendship is like now, maybe its not everything it COULD be. And if it bothers you to be aware of that discrepancy….there’s no reason you can’t try and change that to a dynamic you’re more comfortable with, as long as you make a point to keep their feelings and POV about all this in mind as well.

Anyway, I think I’ve wrung all possible blood out of this stone, lol, so that’s enough from me. Just….I get a lot of asks, but not usually ones as specific to individuals’ lives as this one is. So I don’t have a ton of precedence for this particular scenario, and I’m not saying that as a bad thing at all, anon, just FYI…..I just mean I didn’t want to answer this ask without also addressing the overall scenario and making sure I didn’t overlook or leave anything out.

Again, just one last time - I don’t want to in any way suggest or scare anyone into not seeking out advice or help or even just a conversation when they find themselves in need of help and have no one to turn to in their personal lives. If online acquaintances (I’m not talking online friends, mutuals, etc, those friendships are every bit as real and valid as offline friendships and I include these when I say “personal lives” and am talking about if for whatever reason they can’t help in the way you need either)…then yeah, absolutely reach out to anyone you feel can safely help you or give you a good starting point for actionable advice. I do not mean to encourage people to isolate themselves and NOT build bonds online just because its online.

I just mean….be safe, guys. And just….dot your t’s and cross your i’s, and don’t neglect to treat your personal safety and comfort as an absolute priority at all times. Its not just a matter of physical safety or overall mental health, its a self image thing….no one should fall into the habit of thinking that their safety and personal comfort doesn’t deserve to always be a priority, or that its ever something you should take for granted instead of always maintaining an awareness that the best place and way to challenge yourself, stretch yourself, grow, try new things, learn new things, experience new things….always, always, always comes from first and foremost, starting from a place of being safe and feeling confident in that safety. THEN do all of the rest, from that particular spot and state of mind, with it there as a fallback if stepping out of your comfort zone to any degree starts to make you feel actually unsafe.

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