#how this man doesnt have a biopic yet idk

[merrilark]

Ik I've already said it but, MAN, biographies are hard. I picked up a Steve McQueen bio again, hope to finish before the year is up, and it's just so hard to keep reading because it's so sad, and it's not even trying to be.

I've loved McQueen's shows and films for years. He's definitely a nostalgic figure for me, since I used to watch Wanted: Dead or Alive all the time with my dad and grandpa when I was a kid. I have an undeniable soft spot for him despite the fact that now, as an adult, I fully acknowledge he was a classic old Hollywood asshole. Serial infidelity, abuse, exploding with toxic masculinity and ego that made him a terror on and off set, selfishness, always wanting to be the best in the room, etc. etc. As far as bad behavior goes, he's really nothing new in Hollywood where having an inflated ego seems to be a prerequisite for actors and directors alike, but it is understandably disappointing from the POV of someone who has loved his work since childhood. Don't meet research your heroes, yada yada.

But—and absolutely this is not excusing him—he makes me so sad. He was dealt a bad hand from the start with a father who walked out and a mother who he loved but never showed him real affection and carelessly exposed him to all kinds of abuse at her own hands and at the hands of her boyfriends. I won't get all into it, but the things this guy went through at such a young age and recalls with such flippancy or even pride is insane. He grew from a troubled, lost kid into a troubled, angry, lost man who found it almost impossible to trust anyone, burning down relationships and hurting others seemingly before he could be hurt himself. There are so many quotes from people who knew him best, especially his first wife, that strongly point to serious mental health problems and trauma that simply were not or could not have been properly addressed in the '30s-'80s. Mix it all up with a hefty dose of toxic masculinity and stigmas around mental illness and you have a cocktail for disaster. It's really no wonder he was the way he was; he didn't have the proper tools to manage his mental health and even if he did, he couldn't have because that would have ruined his career and image (how dare men feel things!).

He wasn't a very good man, but I feel for him. His life was a short rollercoaster of tragedy from the day he was born to the day he died at 50, and reads like one long scream for help that no one seemed to notice or look at too closely, including McQueen himself.

#how this man doesnt have a biopic yet idk #i don't mention it but between the tragedies his life also reads like an insane movie #between saving fellow men in the marines to pranking a mafia man without dying and surviving the manson murders by chance #he's probably one of the most fascinating actors i've read about #anyway he was my hyperfocus for years sorry gkxkgjx #i WILL infodump #merri mumbles