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psychotherapyconsultants · 5 years

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How I Handled a Toxic Boss (It Might Not Be What You’re Expecting)

Ah, the thrill of securing a new job. It’s exciting! There’s so much hope that goes into looking for a new role. The sense of professional validation that comes from making it through the application and interview process can be a little intoxicating. They’ve met you and they want you. Yay!

But what do you do when a few weeks into your highly anticipated new position you realize it isn’t the shiny opportunity you had hoped for? What if it turns out the culture is hostile and there’s one very obvious culprit: The Boss.

This was a very real scenario I found myself in a few years back.

I’d been working hard trying to climb that progression ladder in my old role but kept getting knocked back, without any proactive feedback to help me improve for next time. So I began to look elsewhere. Within a few months, an opportunity landed in my lap that sounded perfect. A global organization, great salary and perks, and the step up in job title I had been coveting. I applied, was interviewed, and offered the job.

As the first day at my new job approached, I eagerly awaited the sound of my alarm on Monday morning. During my first week, I noticed the rest of the team was subdued but assumed it was because my role was new and they weren’t used to reporting to someone. At the end of the week, I took them all out for a drink after work to get to know them a bit better. I was surprised when they began to tell me they were relieved I was there and confused by their cryptic assertions they hoped “things would get better now.”

The following week everything became clearer. My boss, the one who had been overseeing the team — and who interviewed me for the role — began to reveal another side that completely blindsided me.

Signs of a Toxic Boss

In research conducted by Gallup, 60% of people reported that their boss makes them miserable at work. It’s not uncommon to come up against personalities we clash with on the job. Navigating these clashes is a sign of good emotional intelligence, and definitely, something to work on as an area to cultivate peace at work.

However, there is a big difference between a personality clash and someone who is toxic. Especially when this person is in a position of power. Some of the signs of a toxic boss include:

Micromanaging

Lack of compassion or social skills

No interest in staff wellbeing or development

Takes personal credit for all the team’s good work

Blames his or her mistakes or errors on the team

Belittles, ridicules or acts abusively towards you or a colleague

Dismissive of ideas or team input

Gossiping, bitching, and backstabbing in the office

When it came to my experience, my boss displayed all of these behaviors. One day they would be charming, kind and interested in my work and personal life. The next day they were abusive, volatile and all too happy to tell me how incompetent I was. They were also smart. They left no paper trail of the way they treated staff. All emails and voicemails reflected the charming persona they worked hard to present to clients and other senior management.

What to Do When Dealing with a Toxic Boss

Toxic bosses tend to fall into one of three camps: narcissistic, dictator, or inadequate. Knowing how to handle a toxic boss depends on which one of these camps the boss falls into. Inadequate bosses may be the easier of the three to handle and find ways of getting along with because their reasoning for being toxic is evident — they’re usually fearful you could do a better job than them. Finding ways to offer reassurance and collaborate is the best way to transform this relationship.

It’s much harder to overcome the challenges of a toxic boss when they fall into the narcissistic or dictator camps. These are usually ingrained behaviors that stem from their own experiences and perceptions of the world. These behaviors can be very difficult to change.

There’s a wealth of articles out there providing proactive advice on how to deal with a toxic boss. Many of these provide practical tips like setting verbal boundaries and how to report the behavior to HR.

What did I do?

I resigned.

Two months into my new role, I knew I had to make a decision. The emotional toll of dealing with this person was bleeding into all areas of my life and I knew I didn’t want to spend another lunch break hiding in the ladies toilets, crying over my sandwiches.

It might sound a bit defeatist, but my number one priority was my emotional safety.

One friend told me I should have stuck it out, made formal complaints, protected the rest of the team. The members on my team had been working in their roles ranging from one to eight (!) years working under the toxic boss. I decided their capacity to cope or put up with this individual didn’t need to be mine. I discussed my resignation with them before having a meeting with HR. I made it clear to HR why I was leaving and requested to work my notice from home, with no further contact with the boss. HR agreed.

It took me a month to find another job, but the relief of being out from under this person vastly outweighed the stress of job hunting. My next job reaffirmed that I’d made the right decision, with an incredibly supportive Manager and Director who really helped me to progress and develop as a professional.

I also wrote about why it’s important to ask the question about your bosses professional conduct before accepting a new job. It’s not easy to do, but with so little accountability or policy in place to protect new employees entering a workplace with a known toxic manager, I personally feel it’s well worth doing.

There’s the saying “you don’t live to work, you work to live.” One of the biggest career lessons I’ve learned is that work doesn’t have to be painful. Putting my emotional health first led me to better things. If you’re in a similar situation, it might be worth considering.

References:

Campbell, S. (2018). 6 effective tactics for handling a toxic boss. Entrepreneur. Retrieved from https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/320696

Cantero-Gomez, P. (2018). Emotional Intelligence & Where To Start When You Don’t Have It At All. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/palomacanterogomez/2018/10/26/emotional-intelligence-where-to-start-when-you-dont-have-it-at-all/#39f4a1b450e4

Fisher, A. (2011). 5 ways to manage your autocratic boss. Fortune. Retrieved from http://fortune.com/2011/05/06/5-ways-to-manage-your-autocratic-boss/

Ni, P. (2015). 10 signs your boss is a narcissist [blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/communication-success/201505/10-signs-your-boss-manager-is-narcissist

Ryan, L. (2017). Five signs your boss is a weak manager. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/lizryan/2017/03/19/five-signs-your-boss-is-a-weak-manager/#1a07590240e8

McIntyre, M.G. (2017). Should you complain about your boss? [blog post]. Retrieved from http://www.yourofficecoach.com/coaching-resources/managing-your-boss/managing-up/should-you-complain-about-your-boss

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-i-handled-a-toxic-boss-it-might-not-be-what-youre-expecting/

#World of Psychology

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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How I Handled a Toxic Boss (It Might Not Be What You’re Expecting)

This was a very real scenario I found myself in a few years back.

The following week everything became clearer. My boss, the one who had been overseeing the team — and who interviewed me for the role — began to reveal another side that completely blindsided me.

Signs of a Toxic Boss

However, there is a big difference between a personality clash and someone who is toxic. Especially when this person is in a position of power. Some of the signs of a toxic boss include:

Micromanaging

Lack of compassion or social skills

No interest in staff wellbeing or development

Takes personal credit for all the team’s good work

Blames his or her mistakes or errors on the team

Belittles, ridicules or acts abusively towards you or a colleague

Dismissive of ideas or team input

Gossiping, bitching, and backstabbing in the office

What to Do When Dealing with a Toxic Boss

What did I do?

I resigned.

It might sound a bit defeatist, but my number one priority was my emotional safety.

References:

Campbell, S. (2018). 6 effective tactics for handling a toxic boss. Entrepreneur. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2QbDR02

Cantero-Gomez, P. (2018). Emotional Intelligence & Where To Start When You Don’t Have It At All. Forbes. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2Ug5Rp9

Fisher, A. (2011). 5 ways to manage your autocratic boss. Fortune. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2l0XuuI

Ni, P. (2015). 10 signs your boss is a narcissist [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2UdtFKb

Ryan, L. (2017). Five signs your boss is a weak manager. Forbes. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2JHbjxa

McIntyre, M.G. (2017). Should you complain about your boss? [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2UdtG0H

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2JHbkRK via IFTTT

#IFTTT #World of Psychology

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mrsteveecook · 5 years

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employee’s spouse emailed about his bonus, I don’t want to do a project with my needy coworker, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. An employee’s spouse emailed about his holiday bonus

My husband just asked me for advice on an issue he encountered today. He is a small business owner who employs around 50 employees. This morning, he received an email from the spouse of one of them. It’s quite lengthy – around 500 words (yes, I actually checked, LOL). In it she expounds on what a committed and loyal employee her husband is. She mentions that our holiday party is coming up and she knows we are making decisions regarding bonuses. She doesn’t come out and mention “bonuses,” rather she uses the word “recognition.” At the end of the email, she requests that we keep the email a secret from her husband.

I am of the opinion that her husband should know that she is doing something like this – it’s so wildly inappropriate that he deserves an opportunity to tell her to knock it off. My husband just thinks we should delete and pretend we never saw it. What do you think? Another issue is the holiday party – which spouses usually attend. If she thinks this is okay, I have to wonder if she will bring it up to my husband. Oh, and for context, we don’t do large bonuses. It’s just not a thing in this industry for workers in his position. They are very well compensated on an hourly basis, which she would know because he has worked for us for several years.

I’d sure as hell want to know if my spouse had sent an email like that. And her request not to tell him makes it particularly icky.

If I were your husband, I’d forward the email to the employee with a note saying, “I received this email from Jane and don’t plan to respond but didn’t feel comfortable not letting you know about it. Maybe you could let her know we don’t talk to spouses about this kind of thing?”

Or, with someone I didn’t know well, I might say that in person instead (since I’d want them to see my face and hear my tone and know that our relationship was fine) and then forward it on afterwards.

2. I don’t want to work on another project with my needy coworker

I worked with a colleague who was very needy on a project for about a year. When I say needy, I mean she had no respect for either professional or personal boundaries. She would call me before I would even get to work and then after her kids went to bed to discuss this project. She would also call me on days I had off even after I specifically told her that I needed time off to decompress and not think about work. It got to the point where I would just turn off my cell phone when I got off work to not be bombarded by the constant text messages that she would send at all hours. She and I also worked on another project at this same time where I did about 80% of the work, and she would call and text me that she didn’t even start on her half and was freaking out about this presentation. I told her that my part was completed and she needed to make time to get her part done as she volunteered to take this on, and she ended up doing her part. In an hour-long presentation, my half was about 50 minutes due to her not being prepared and she only presented for 10 minutes. The presentation was well received and we both got equal credit for this and she wants me to do another project with her next year.

I really don’t want to work with her again on a project and can’t take the constant calls and text messages, and when I’ve set limits they were blatantly ignored. I’ve already told her that I may not have the time to take on an additional project next year as my responsibilities have increased and I will be in a new role in 2019. She has already emailed my boss and copied me that she can’t wait to work with me again in 2019 on an additional project after I’ve already said no. Any guidance would be appreciated.

Are these projects optional for you or are they a requirement of your job? If you’re senior enough to say no or if the project is optional enough that you can decline, talk to your boss and say something like, “I saw Jane copied you on a message about working on X together next year so I wanted to give you some context. I’ve told Jane that I won’t be able to work with her on it, and I’m hoping to stick to that. We’ve worked together previously and I found her very difficult to partner with — she called me at home early in the morning and late at night and on days off, even after I asked her not to, texted me at all hours, and did very little of the actual work. So my plan is to focus on A, B, and C and let her know I’m not available for X, but I wanted to fill you in since it sounds like she might approach you about it as well.”

And then just be firm with Jane: “I’m not going to be able to work on X with you so you should make other plans.” And then stick to that.

But if the project isn’t optional and your boss tells you that you need to do it, then I’d try being very blunt with Jane: “When we worked together last year, you called and texted me quite a bit outside of work hours. The only way I can work on this with you is if we decide from the outset that we won’t have calls or texts outside of work hours.” (And then if it happens anyway, block her number and let her know you’ve done that and why. Assuming this isn’t a project where your employer would expect you to be available 24/7, you’re allowed to do that.) You could also say, “I’d want to be really clear about the scope of work that I’ll take on and what you’ll be responsible for. Last time I ended up doing most of the presentation myself and I don’t want that to happen again. How do we ensure it doesn’t?” (And then if it happens anyway, keep your boss in the loop so that she’s clear on your contributions and doesn’t give you less credit than you deserve.)

3. I’m being harassed by a coworker I don’t want to report

I have a question about how to bring up sexual harassment at work. It’s a bit more complicated than most situations, because we’re both gay women who are closeted at work. It started out with coming out to each other when we were working alone together for the first time. We had a laugh and bonded over being in two minorities at work: women in a heavily male-dominated blue collar job, and being gay on top of that. We had fun, all was well.

But then it escalated badly. She started talking in detail about her sex life, about how much she likes younger women (context: she’s 55, I’m 25), how many significantly younger sexual partners she’s had, and — well, VERY crude comments, gestures, and “jokes” about lesbian sex and female bodies that I’m not comfortable repeating. She also suggested that I come over to her place some time so we could “cook dinner and stuff.” It all made me incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t think she intended to make me uncomfortable, and she’s got juuust enough plausible deniability to make me doubt whether I’m imagining things, but it honestly did feel vaguely predatory, and was definitely beyond inappropriate workplace behavior regardless of her intent toward me personally. If it had been a man, I would have immediately told him to stop, and reported him to both our manager and HR without second thought.

The crux of the issue: She is not out at work, and made it very clear that she told me her orientation in strict confidence. I can’t ask any of my coworkers that I’m closer to for any kind of advice, because it would out her no matter how discreet I tried to be. Same thing with talking to our manager: it would out her no matter what. And, not gonna lie – I really don’t want to report a lesbian for sexual harassment of a young woman, because our field is already very misogynistic and homophobic as a rule. So my only option is to talk to directly to her, and her alone. I have to continue working one-on-one with her, so our working relationship has to be preserved, and she’s shown no indication of toning down her sex talk no matter how much my only reactions are an awkward laugh/hum and silence or a subject change. Do you have any advice for this very, very awkward and sensitive discussion I’m going to have to have with her?

The thing that really sucks about these situations is that people should pick up on the fact that your awkward laugh/silence/subject changes mean you don’t welcome their comments … but a lot of them will use the lack of a clear “stop” as license to continue. In some cases that might be genuine social obliviousness, but in many others, it’s not.

In any case, since you haven’t yet directly told her it’s unwelcome, there’s a decent chance that doing that will get the outcome you want. So try saying this: “Hey, you’re making me really uncomfortable with that kind of talk. Would you stop doing that around me?” Or, “I’m really not comfortable having this kind of conversation with a colleague. Could you stop?” And if that doesn’t work, then this: “Hey, I’ve asked you to stop this and you’re continuing. If you were a man, I’d be reporting this as sexual harassment. I really, really don’t want to be in that kind of position here, so could you make this easier on both of us and cut it out?”

If she continues after that point, she’ll be pretty much forcing your hand in terms of reporting it — but you’ll have very clearly warned her and given her a chance to stop it.

4. Bringing alcohol to a gift exchange that kids take part in

My boss hosts an annual holiday party at his home which includes a white elephant gift exchange (everyone brings a gift, people take turns choosing one to open or “stealing” an already opened gift from a previous participant). This is completely optional and the maximum budget per gift is very low, or you can bring something random you no longer want from your house. My boss’ kids (preschoolers) have been allowed to participate each year which is fine and the kids are well behaved.

My question is whether it’s okay to bring an alcohol-related item as my white elephant gift given that kids participate? For reference, alcohol seems to be very common in my field and even keeping it at work isn’t unheard of. I brought alcohol gift last year and it was the most stolen item by far so I know it was a popular gift. Luckily the kids didn’t choose it to open so it wasn’t a problem. I purposefully chose a more adult, less kid-attracting wrapping paper, but I also want to be sensitive to adults that don’t drink. My team is rather small and I’ve seen everyone drink, however significant others I can’t be sure about. If I write “21+” on the gift tag, do you think that would mitigate any concerns, both regarding my boss’s preschoolers getting liquor for a gift, and a non-drinker getting it?

It sounds fine to me! But you never know what people are going to be weird about, so if you want to be sure, you could run it by your boss and confirm that, particularly since it’s his kids.

5. Can I bring my best friend as my plus-one to our company party?

I’ve been invited to my company’s annual holiday party and the invitation included a plus-one. I’m easily the youngest on my work team; this is my first full-time job after finishing college (and my first corporate holiday party). Everyone else on my team is married, so it’s likely everyone else’s plus-one will be their spouse. However, I’m single and like the idea of bringing someone with me, just to have someone I know well and am comfortable talking to with me at a minimum! My best friend/former roommate will be in town that weekend to visit me regardless, and I trust her completely to reflect well on me at a work function. My question is, is it weird to bring her with me if we’re just friends and not partners? I don’t know whether I’m completely over-thinking this and stressing out about it needlessly.

This is one of those things that varies by office. In some offices, it’s fine to bring a plus-one who isn’t a significant other … and in other offices, it’ll come across strangely. Do you have a coworker with excellent judgment who you trust to tell you the truth? If so, you could run it by that person and see what they think. But if you don’t get a confident answer from anyone, I would err on the side of not doing it, especially because you’re the youngest there. If it does turn out that your office is one of the ones where it would be seen as weird, it risking making you read as more young than you are, and that’s not helpful when you want people to take you seriously.