#i almost hate that ive went through like two very stereotypical stepping stone type self discoveries

[elftwink]

oh also happy national coming out day im probably a binary trans dude and not nb at all. which is. a question ive been struggling with recently bc i spent so long w/some form of nb identity (different ones but i’ve been id’ing as nb since i was like 14)

but ive been listening to other binary trans ppl talk abt being trans recently (just in general not abt this specifically but its On My Mind) and i think ive come to the conclusion that everything that was indicating to me that i was nb is just regular old gender non conformity and it was my own internalized transphobia being like :/ you can’t be a Real Man since you do X and i would compensate by... claiming i wasnt a binary man anyway so Take That, brain. but thats not really how it works. 

i think its hard to reconcile being a man w/liking men, w/being feminine, w/general gender non conformity bc if i don’t perfectly conform to gender roles i must not be a man— but i knew i wasn’t a woman so we ended up here. esp since as i’ve transitioned i’ve felt more confident in calling myself a man; it felt unnatural to do it when i was closeted, and hard to say just after i’d come out bc it sort of felt like a distant dream to be recognized as a man at all— but nb was endlessly less dysphoria inducing and it was... not more accepted but more believable. im pretty androgynous but not very masculine. if i told them i was trying to “look gender neutral” theyd believe me. if i told them i was a man theyd laugh at me. it was a way to have control over something i couldnt help and still have access to, essentially, the same community anyway. 

but we got here! people call me ‘sir’ in public and i can use mens bathrooms and no one bats an eye when i say my name is luke. we got here. and i suddenly do have control and do have respect (most of the time anyway when ppl think im a cis dude). and i genuinely just never thought i’d get there. and now that i have that, i do want to be seen as just a binary dude. a binary man who loves other men, who’s feminine. thats just how i am. 

anyway while we’re here the nb community and the nb people i have met have been endlessly helpful and kind even by just like. being there and also being nonbinary. i love yall and im glad to have shared that space w/you even if thats not where i ended up. 

also i know for most of u coming out day is over but ive got half an hour here so uh let me live

#i almost hate that ive went through like two very stereotypical stepping stone type self discoveries #like i thought i was bi and im gay. i thought i was nb and im trans. like boy!!! get it together #im trying to think of a way im not a walking stereotype and nothings coming up! why am i like this #but man. for awhile there telling ppl my pronouns were they/them was so much easier than saying he/him #not like strangers. like at events. like i did slam poetry for a few years #and they asked ur pronouns there #and i would always chicken out b4 saying he/him #even tho i knew people would respect it #didnt ever try any of that shit with strangers tho i just let them say she/her #like i dont want to imply being nb is easier in any way than being binary trans #bc its not a sliding scale of whose experiences are easier or harder. thats stupid #idk how to phrase it is just. i knew i wasnt cis and i knew no one was going to treat me like a boy so i found a middle ground of sorts #good idea generator #long post // #this changes basically nothing i just wanted to write it out ig