#i am also half tempted to mess with the OTHER guy in our internship cohort even though that would be THEE messy bitch move

[notjanine]

i am in suuuuuch a weird headspace rn, my brain is like. i want half a boyfriend i want a husband i want an easy carefree hookup i want to have sex with only one more person in my entire life i want to have a slut era i want someone to fall in love with me i want to ruin a man's life. who am i

#like okay i said that guy was messy and maybe i am messy too #but only internally! i can at least be consistent and honest in my communication and behavior #but idek what is going on with me #is this a belated quarter life crisis is this being thirty is this what happens when grad school and an internship scramble your brain #scramble your brain so hard that your emotions and physical desires also go haywire #this month is gonna be so weird for me and like i'm depressed enough to not care if i live or die which is when i do my best flirting #and i (theoretically) will have enough time off to take care of myself and get good sleep and do skincare and hair care and work out #and do all the little things to make myself feel more confident #anyway all i know is. i have baby steps initiated progress on some things. #but also the mutually agreed upon six-month post-breakup communication moratorium with my ex is almost up and i am half tempted to call him #i am also half tempted to mess with the OTHER guy in our internship cohort even though that would be THEE messy bitch move #(do not let me do it physically stop me from doing it if it seems like i'm going to) #(but y'know he's. nice. nearby. single. quietly hilarious and has full lips and a similar schedule to my own. pls stop me) #(we might hang out next week. i will not WILL NOT invite him over. i repeat do NOT let me invite him over) #earlier this week i talked to a close very cool and fun and social friend about wanting to start dating again and she was like #Oh i know like ten guys for you lemme have another party and invite all of them and you #and i'm thisclose to being like. actually just fucken see if any of them will go on a blind date with me next weekend. #what the FUCK is wrong with me rn #ANYWAY lemme go work out and finally start the vampire show #bc exercise will distract my body and that toxic relationship bullshit will put a damper on these desires right. right?? #starting to understand why so many religions are like watch out for sins of the flesh or whatever. like how they're like temptation is bad. #lizzo_boys.mp3