#i am physically desperate but i know i suck at casual sex and ill just get attached to somebody | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dyefantasyinhistory · 6 years

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8/10/18

I just like, am so upset at my everything. How I desperately needed attention, to be needed and loved and appreciated physically. That I would act that way, I disgust myself so much. That I would so desperately need the approval of someone, just *someone* because, I don’t even know. I’m so insecure. I need to be needed. So I try to save people, I try to love people, other pathetic people, and just say that It’s because we understand each other better. And like, just because someone’s a mentally ill loser doesn’t mean they automatically understand everything about me. Justin got almost everything. And the things he didn’t get, he tried and was supportive and listened, and was so fucking perfect and I just couldn’t believe it. Oh god and all I did was hurt him. And I fucking texted him again tonight. I thought, oh this is just a casual message. I think you’d like this video. But no apparently this is me having a meltdown about him. Again. I can’t say that I’m in love with him. That seems so cruel or immoral or something, but I think I do. I still love him. Or maybe it’s just guilt. So much guilt that manifests as what seems like caring. And the rest of it is just selfishness, wanting everything lovely and wonderful about you and your presence to be in my life again. It’s mostly the selfishness I know. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for texting you. The first time too. Apparently after my mom found I texted you. She and Rebecca were talking and mom thought I was so stupid (which I was) because, and I quote, “why would he be interested in the cow when he got the milk for free?” That’s apparently what my mom thought about our relationship. I don’t know why I’m surprised I guess. She genuinely doesn’t respect me or my decisions in life. But after the last year, I actually don’t respect myself or my decisions either. I mean I’ve believed for so long that I’m damaged goods. That no one should ever have to love me. That I would need to make for all my deficiencies every minute of my life to deserve love. And yeah apparently everyone else in my family pretty much agrees. Because yeah, at this point, I think sex is the only thing I really have that’s worthwhile to offer anyone. And otherwise people are just doing me a favor by spending any time with me. That’s sounds really fucking ridiculous but that is where my fucking brain is. This stupid borderline bullshit, fucking fuck. It’s fucking my whole life up and I can’t handle it. How did it get like this? When did I become this pathetic self loathing mess. When did it actually start?

10?

I think it might have been. Must have been 10. I don’t remember most of that year. Lost my best friend, moved house, my mom was pregnant and busy, my brother had like his own shit going on and didn’t have time for anything, cause being an immigrant fucking sucks, and I couldn’t do my favorite hobby anymore. Oh and pretty much no one liked me cause I was the weird goth kid. The weird goth kid who was really good at math. So I was depressed and alone for like that entire year, hating myself. Hating who I was and like genuinely at a loss for what to do. Like to be real with myself. I’m pretty sure I just genuinely didn’t have any real friends that year. Like looking back, it’s p pathetic. I mean I was a goddamn terror, no wonder no one wanted to be around me. Like I was annoying at best. Insufferable, cruel, manipulative, and useless just normally. Alright self pity over. Time for sleep.

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