#i can see it better on my ipad so prob just my monitor

[hellotvv]

Sad Sometimes

Sometimes when I think about how things ended, I get kinda sad... I understand everything happened and obviously things ended due to mistakes on both parties. But I guess endings are sometimes kinda really tragic. I guess, when I think back. I truly loved her, and really tried to show her that I loved her. I suppose a problem could be is that maybe I was really invested in some ways? I guess sometimes I was scared to lose her, since despite some really hard times, I really loved her and always believed that hey it’s not that hard to be happy together. I guess in the process of idk really trying, doing sacrifices, trying to be a good bf (in my eyes ofc, very subjective), and really loving her/caring about her. Sometimes it leads to fights actually o.o since I guess when you’re really committed/care about something, you naturally get more emotional. So I’d be worried about her potentially falling for another guy or maybe repeating past mistakes or when it seems like she doesn’t love me/care about me and etc, that I get upset. I guess I realize that interestingly from playing Smash. When I beat some of these players (really good at sm4sh nowadays lol), people sometimes get really upset from losing to me. One guy slammed the table O_O and really scared me. Other people get really frustrated and etc. I guess they really spend the time playing sm4sh and when you put so many hours in something and care about it, losing probably feels terrible. I can only imagine what it would feel like waiting all years for the olympics and do terrible at it. Oh man, would someone be a sad boy. I guess this applies to relationships too o_o. I think I brought this up to Stefanie once before, that sometimes our fights are legit because we just really care about each other/don’t want to lose each other/etc. Idk I guess from playing in a sm4sh tournie today, it gave me a random epiphany after seeing how upset my friend was and how he was actually nearly in tears for whatever reason for losing a really close match to someone he really wanted to beat. I mean, I wouldn’t cry over a video game, but ofc that’s just me. I’m not as invested in the game as some ppl are, so I can’t understand but I try to tho. I can recognize that hey, he probably tries really hard, puts in the hours, and really just wanna win or whatever. So when he fails, it feels awful especially after being really invested, so naturally he/other ppl will either be really sad/give up or angry or however they might deal with their emotions. From recognizing that, I guess it’s possible to take it as a lesson for relationships. Sometimes fights are dumb af, and sometimes it’s just because ppl care. Like maybe a fight is caused by a jealous SO, and it’s only because they care. Or someone is upset at something and wishes the other person stop doing it, so the relationship would improve. But sometimes that causes a fight in the process, but I mean at the end of the day the fight started since a person really cares about the relationship. I think Kai and her bf had that fight over uhh his seemingly no plans for Valentine’s Day, since it seemed like he didn’t really care about her/their first Valentine’s Day life milestone, while she really cared about him and the celebration. Ofc, sometimes fights might just be idk pure fights due to conflict/etc. But it’ll probably be important to sit down and think, hey we’re kinda having a fight right now, but it’s only because we really care about each other and wants the relationship to be successful/wants to be happy together. So in terms of application to me, I guess looking back sometimes I do admit fights were started by me, since I just really loved her and was just worried about losing her/that she doesn’t love me back/feeling insecure, since I just really cared. Also I need to learn that in the future, I should try better to recognize that fights are ok and prob just makes the relationship stronger/better and it’s not a bad thing, and that sometimes fights are dumb and start out of love/caring a lot about the other person/relationship.

So I guess back to why I’m a bit sad sometimes when I think about things ending. I guess, it’s sad, since I just really wanted to be happy with her. I just wanted to do the things on our todo list, I just wanted to celebrate more life milestones with her, I just wanted her to look only at me, be able to do cute coupley things with her, and idk just go the distance like how I imagined we would sometimes. I do agree, when thinking about the future, it sometimes does seem hard due to issues. But I guess sometimes when you focus too hard on the future or think about it too much, things become ughhh. Like when I think about certain problems too much, I just make it out to be much worst than it really is O_O overthinking yo... Sometimes I realize I just gotta take things one day at a time, face my problems slowly, and things will generally work out. If not, at least I’m less stress/worried, which generally leads to better chances of solving problems! Interestingly enough, sometimes I think the relationship would have improved a bit more given time together. I ended up being far too free uh last quarter, this quarter kinda ehh busy, and etc. I have a really great solid group of friends (multiple diff friend groups) and parties that I go to that I could have introduced her to/invited her to. I’m going to have my own studio apartment/single apartment next year, so no more housemates :( Uhh, pretty down to live in Asia one day, due to multitude of reasons. Got pretty into chinese culture and read a ridiculous amount of chinese novels and learned a bunch of chinese idioms (http://www.wuxiaworld.com/chinese-idiom-glossary/) I read modern novels too and been considering watching some dramas. Uhm, idk have even more cool hobbies to share/teach about. I definitely stepped up on fitness game, legit like 138 lbs now from like 155 O_O. I was like 140ish freshmen year? I’d like to think that I became slightly more mature as time goes by too! I got better at photography and could have been a weird boy like the93044 and make an ig of just cool pics of gf lol. Uhh, I became slightly less picky of an eater. Grew to really like chicken, uhm slowly liking fish more, steaks, learned about even more cool food places, and etc. Idk making good progress! I also watch a good amount of cooking videos and been slowly working on that (really slowly tho lol). I baked a cake the other day, make pasta sometimes, cook rice pretty often, eat better, make eggs/omelettes, cooked a steak actually wowow, helped kristy cook salmon, quesadillas, and idk been slowly improving :OO. I’d like to get into cooking/baking more, and watch quite a bit. But idk generally too lazy/low motivation to cook if it’s just for myself lol. If I had another person to cook for, I’d be a lot more motivated. Uhm, I’m not super arts and craftsy, but I subscribed to this channel and was super down to make this box one day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRWtS06OI0A  maybeee I’ll get a chance to make this box one day, and it’ll be prob a sick gift for a SO!! :^) Idk, I try to constantly improve myself, so the next step in my handmade creative gifts would probably be that box! Jessica told me it’s not too hard to make, even tho it does seem overwhelming when watching it, and most materials can just be obtained from Michaels or Amazon~ Uhh, what else have improved about myself... Uhm, friends, hobbies, food/cooking/baking, arts and crafts/gifts, fitness, uhh I dress pretty much relatively the same with some wardrobe expansion (nott that much in the past 6 months), maybe maturity, some more free time, and idk? Idk what else comes to mind. Maybe slowly figuring out relationships more, myself, other people, and etc..? I guess that’s maturity tho. Uhm, my room got way cooler lol... ;-; I have posters and 6 foot bean bag chair, sick gaming chair, comfy bed, 2nd monitor, two laptops, ipad pro, and idk :( kinda cool room.. I still have a unique diction, and apparently very trendy/catchy. Since when ppl hang out with me, they start copying how I talk lol. Since I say, hii frend or fam or lit or cancer or lavish or sad boys or study boys or broads or you deserve it or idk what else I say at the top of my head. But lol legit 80% of my friends copy what I say nowadays :3 Kinda cool. Hmhm, idk what else improved about me, but I think I could have been an even better SO for her given some more time. 

I feel like I should recap my weekend, but it’s like super ehhh .-. like eventful, but not very lit. Maybe later on when it’s more lol~ Need to buy beyond ticket still tho with friends :O and decide on a cool airbnb to stay at together. Still miss her and wish she was in my life sometimes too :( and I guess that’s all for this weekend blog post with 0 recap, since .-. days