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24jnxh · 5 years

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Life Story #339

Day 47: Life without father in life. To many more years of friendship, I know that to last a friendship, we need to be honest with one another and if friendship have any problems, find the root to solve the issue and not leave it hanging all the times, because it will destroy a friendship, and it will cause a friendship to end up not in the good terms too. I know that my friendship has never go smooth because my bad temper and my bad attitude not anyone could tolerate, especially I speak words too straightforward that will unintentionally hurt the friends around me. I know that how to deal a friendship that occurs issue, but then I always choose to run away from that problem and never want to face that root, because I’m afraid will cause it even worst. I’m always thinking about it, how I can become a better friend but I know that it is only when I will choose to accept the fact of certain issue that is happening, and being brave enough to face the root of the issue, but then I’m thinking when will the day come to earth, that I will be brave to do so of certain thing. Sometimes I’m truly thinking is it I never try hard enough to be a better friend, have I not done much enough for my friends, the more I think, the more I will feel that I’m such a useless person. I cannot say that I’ve done much and tried hard enough to be a better friend, because of one rejection I no longer dare to try anymore, but then to my friends they say I’ve tried hard enough. I truly no idea what to do. I’ve been thinking a lot, but I did not want to let anyone knows what is truly on my mind. Holly, I’m truly sorry towards you and this friendship that we had. During thanksgiving, even I heard from God, but your sister’s words to me, I can never let go. This have truly told me to think upon every word I would speak, things that I would share, will it bring pressure and stress into your life. Despite, what I would feel about this, despite what wrong I caught, I must think deep, should I tell you about it. God told me, “Times, we need to learn through friends’ feedback. Don’t think that you are adding pressure and stress, because you are helping her to be a better friend.” I started to doubt upon myself and thinking can I be your friend? I started to have issue upon myself, and I started to feel so lousy and worst of myself. When you mentioned what your resolutions is, and what God spoke to you, and suddenly you send me two voice record, do you remember? I nearly cried to be honest. That’s when I feel even worst of myself, and I felt so bad of myself. I might not know how to face you after hearing, but why during countdown that day when you going to collect stuffs, I still go with you because you mentioned that the people a little scary or whatsoever, I decided that no matter how hard it is, I want to keep you safe still, so I decided to go down together with you instead of letting you go down by yourself. When you mentioned about treating people unequal, that moment I felt that you can continue to treat me unequal, but in my heart was struggling too, because being treated unequally, it is a hurting moment. But I told myself, no matter what, need to bear with it. Holly, I’m not a good friend. I’m so sorry! 5 years, in this 5 years, I tried my very best, till my extreme best, that I give all out to build this friendship, and other friendships, and knowing if another part hand does not clap together, this friendship doesn’t work. In our friendship, I knows what you are more to, is fellowships and calls, but for me I’m texting and fellowships, but, your time is always pack which is not that I did not want to fellowship with you, but for calls, my habit came back because I’m sharing my room with my room, so my habit of not calling after 10pm is back, until my mum bought a house and I got my own room, then yes, late night calls I don’t mind but if can I preferred fellowship if not text, which I know it is not something you would do. This I can see that it doesn’t clap. As much as I tried, that I tried to go according with your availability, but things don’t work. Just take 2018 for an example, on Feb 2018 during my birthday, you texted me and say let’s fellowship, but I’ve always been waiting for you to tell me when you free because all you mentioned was when your holiday. But it never happened, until Rycelyn’s conference that day. If you did not go or you could not make it, do you think we still have that breakfast together at Chinatown? Probably that fellowship for 2018 will never come. Then afterwards, I tried to ask for another fellowship, but you said you not free and will get back to me again with the available date, but it never happened at all. I tried, I can honestly say that I’ve tried my very best to build this friendship, and not just go with how I build friendship, but also go according to how you build friendship, but it doesn’t help. I tried my very best already. I could say, I felt so useless of myself. Thanksgiving, when I’m alone waiting for bus, I’ve missed a lot of the bus, because I’m thinking and I’m crying at bus stop. I reflected on all my friendship, 4 friendships were gone, 1 friendship don’t know how to describe, 3 friends gone and passed away, and what I did? The 4 friendships were gone was because of my unequal treatment, time management, and replies. 3 friends passed away, but before they leave did I done anything for them? No, I did not. I did not even reply them nor anything, until when I’m a little free I replied things happened. I regretted not reading their message because it is something that they are going through in life and they need me to listen and console them, but when I replied, they committed suicide. 1 friendship that I did not know how to describe is ours. Which all I have mentioned above. When come to this situation, feeling so useless of myself as a friend. Every year, cellgroup asked me to make 3 wishes and say 1 wish, I never mentioned my wish before and always said that I have no wish, but I have. My wish is, I’m able to have surprise again for my birthday, just like how my jiejie last time did for me. Every year, she will plan something different for my birthday and surprise me with different things and always have friends suddenly pop-out in the surprise. I missed those. I’m thinking, if my jiejie haven’t die, probably she will still be the one that surprise me already. I’m not just a useless friend, but also a bad, a stupid and idiot sister. I’m sorry Holly, that I’m never a good friend. On 9 Jan 2019, it is the first TPCHC Prayer Meeting. When a friend came to me and asked whether she can pray for me, I felt was so accurate, because it was something I’ve been feeling inside of me throughout 2018. After her prayer, God told me to look at the fish tank that is right in front of me. He told me, “Do you think that the fish inside the tank have no freedom? But that is not the truth, because they have freedom to swim anywhere they want, any direction they decide to go ahead with. Do you think that all side are sealed but they cannot breathe? But that is not the truth, because they still have the oxygen pipe that is with them in the tank for their breathing. Then my child, what about you? Your soul is at a prison cell right now, could you have any freedom? You are not fish that have freedom to swim, but you are locked at one place that if you don’t get out, you have no freedom.” – When I decided to go home wait for my dad, I decided to go to the room and worship God once again and asked what was the area that I’ve been locked at. I cried so badly, and God told me “My child, what was the feeling when that friend leaned on you?” And I told God, “I felt was loved. Even she approached me and asked if I want to lean on her shoulder, I felt concern and care.” Then next God asked, “Have you forgive her?” Then I answered God, “Yes, I have forgiven all the hurts that she given to me, all the pains that she has given to me.” Then the next question from God strike my heart, God asked, “Then my child, have you forgiven yourself?” Then I realize, that I could forgive other, but I might not be able to forgive myself, I could not forgive how my words are harsh and how straightforward I am towards my friends. So, my answer to God was, “Lord, I cannot forgive myself for what I’ve done to her. I’ve no face to face her, and I’ve no rights to let her go through my season with me. I could not forgive that how I’ve actually hurt her for speaking harshly to her.” Then Lord speaks, “My child, this is the prison cell that you’ve locked your soul at. You could not be honest with her, because the guilt that you have within yourself. My child, let it go and set yourself free. Only when you set yourself free, you are free from this prison cell. My child, it’s a new year, don’t lock your soul up anymore. Let it go, my child.” That moment, was my breaking down time that I know I’ve to let go and give it to God. Holly, when you suddenly lean on me, I felt shock, to be honest, because normally it was me who lean on you instead you lean on me. So, when you lean on me, I was quite surprise. Be it I lean on you, or you lean on me, in both ways I could feel something, that is love. So, when God asked me about it, I answered was love. I know, you did not blame me, but holly, I blamed myself. I tried forgiving myself, but I could not do so. I’m sorry, that I’ve live in this prison cell since about the end of 2018, and in 2019 I’m still living in this prison cell. I tried, because I know if I don’t forgive myself, my 2019 will have no freedom. But, do you know something? In this process, when I’ve forgiven you, I found out there is something that was stuck in my heart that I could not get out of and that I cannot make it to share things with you as easy as the past, until today that word was spoken until God told me to look at that fish tank, until I reached home and seek God even more, then I realize what was the deepest cell that is in my heart that locked my soul. Holly, here to say again, I’ve forgiven you. No matter what lays in the future, I’ll still going to forgive you, because I want you to know that you are my precious friend that I hold close in my heart, just as Shermeen. I might be angry, but I’ll always forgive and continue to love despite how pain it could be. Even, I’m locked up at the prison cell, I will continue to forgive you and love you, because you are always a sister to me. You asked me about how I felt about the Prayer Meeting, when I decided to text you through text, you are not replying me and not even reading it. Let me feel that you can’t be bother about it. To be said, I truly have my own thoughts, but the way we lead will be different, because I always believe different people have different ways of leading a campus meeting. And in ministry if there is transition that need to be done, I can’t say that we need to prepare first, because I feel that there is some moment of lost for the members, and a little lost for the guitarist too, but yes, the presence of God still there but the lost moment over there. I not sure why would you said that, “What you think about today’s Prayer Meeting? Any feedback? It’s okay to tell me and it’s okay if you hurt me.” This is the thing that I not sure why would you say so. I know that my words will hurts, but, why you say so? I can tell you what I want, but it is not that any hurting but probably it was what I encounter that hurts. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 11 Jan 2019/1035am

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