#i couldn't save her even tho i tried my hardest but also i was EIGHT and it was impossible to help her

[soryualeksi]

Random sad thing I’ve been thinking about, but really, sometimes it’s the small encounters that fuck you up long-time, and I’ve had this one instance rolling and rolling around in the back of my mind for ages. Like.

Several years ago, I was just slowly realizing and coming to terms with the OBVIOUS fact that I was nd, in my late twenties. And I was talking with some adults and it came to be that I was talking about the ABUSE of neurodivergent kids I’ve personally witnessed in primary school, like, how the TEACHERS would mock, deride, insult, humiliate, and just overall be CRUEL to the kids I now recognize are just. neurodivergent. and weren’t even bothering anyone aside from being “weird and thus annoying”, just kids needing love and support and I wish I could go back because I’m weeping inside for all of them one in particular I’m weeping inside every day for her and I just want to go back and save her, but. I can’t. And I couldn’t. Because I, myself, was like 8. It was not within my power. So.

I was talking about watching teachers haul kids around by their clothes SCREAMING at them because. that kid had been like “I’m a turtle and I’m now going back into my shell” and pulled his head into his sweater.

And then, my big mistake, was saying, “Personally, I mostly got away, because a lot of teachers liked me for being a pretty smart kid.”

And this guy I was talking to? In that moment? Just BARKED at me, like, “You can’t say that about yourself! That’s RUDE!!”

And back then I just. blue-screened.

So since that day, I developed the shitty tendency of being ableist against myself if it comes up, in a useless attempt to appease people. It’s driving me nuts.

ANY kind of autistic communication hiccup? “I’m sorry, I’m very slow / dumb / delayed / lacking a few IQ points.”

BECAUSE I LEARNED THAT EVEN ACCIDENTALLY CALLING MYSELF A SMART KID IS BAD AND GETS A BAD ANGRY REACTION

I wish I didn’t do this, and the worst part is that the initial conversation has taken place along some VERY weirdo academics, all extremely smart and extremely uhm unconventional. So. Chances are, the guy who barked at me? Was nd himself AND internalized the same thing he told me after being abused for long enough himself. But he still scared me and my brain remembers.

I hate playing into ableism as a defence strategy, like, “oh no, neurotypical majority, I would NEVER attempt to crawl upwards from my lowly station to be at the same level as you, no, you see, I’m below you and you can feel PITY for me, isn’t that nice, Pity For The Disabled™ is an emotion you like, right? right? so don’t be violent against me, I can give you the good emotion all day :D”.

Uuuuuuuuugh.

And that’s just that.

/ramble

#autism stuff #neurodivergent stuff #god how i wish i could go back in time to save this one girl i think about her almost every day #you have no idea #just the most abused neglected kid #fetal alcohol syndrome you know #she had no chance against the ableist eugenicist environment and i just. wish i could go back and save her. #i wish i knew how she's doing these days #i couldn't save her even tho i tried my hardest but also i was EIGHT and it was impossible to help her #and i hate myself for not being resiliant enough to stay her friend and in touch in the face of the extreme bullying by adults and kids #i just couldn't be her caretaker it burned me out and i feel like a failure every day #i wish i knew how she's doing now and i have the useless hope that she's fine but she's definitely not #Vivien was her name #ableist violence cw #ableist bullying #ableist bullshit