#i deadass have no place and i dont fit into any 'covenant'

[katyspersonal]

Hey guys.. Thank you for the kind words. I am just not feeling like talking yet, I am mostly just spending time alone.

It is hard to explain how one thing leads to another thing and how things that are troubling me are conjoined, but I just feel like I don't have a place as a human being. I am caught in the loop of escaping people that hate whites / males / heteros / etc by proxy and soon enough the freedom and reason I've been after ends at dead end, me meeting people that instead hate blacks / women / LGBTs / etc. No matter what I do, no matter where I go it is always fucking something. It is always hatred to a demographic of people by proxy, people just can't comprehend the idea of hating the bad and harmful instead of this stupid disparity between "good" demographics and "bad". When it is not dumb American college esque "systematic/historical oppression" flex - it is a sob story about various bad events caused within confrontation to the group. EVERY demographics has people that will willfully weaponize belonging to it against others. EVERY single ONE. Every race, every gender, every culture, every sexuality will have pricks. When it is not """systematic""" privilege - it is victim's privilege.

And I am tired too. I question whether the freedom and reason I am looking for even exists. Maybe it is normal for humans to blame the ones who are not like them as a 'covenant' instead of looking up into something that can occur everywhere, and I just have no place in society. I feel like blasphemy is becoming the same entity as religion: there is always that guy that claims they know how things "really" work, that everyone who disagrees is against the "truth" itself. And I am tired. I am tired of running from one kind of control freaks and ending up with the other, after having a hunch of hope. I am tired of always, always, always being pressured into being an ideological soldier. When it is not 'you should let others walk all over you because you are white and cis' - it is 'you should stand against them with us as a woman and a bi'. And there is always control freakery, pressure and hatred for not agreeing 100%. When I am not called a disgusting bigot - I am called another woke brainwashed feminist (sometimes also with 'child murdering psychopath' for supporting abortion rights).

I am feeling ideologically homeless, because apparently 'for reason and against idiocy' is not an ideology. I choose my own sources of information and do what I can to keep drastically different people around so I am always forced to question or reaffirm what I already think, but HOW do I always end close with people with whom being honest is hated and punished? When it is not a public social abuse from cancel culture simps - it is private emotional abuse behind closed doors by friends.

And in the end? I am still the dumbest person in this equation. It is all my fault. I've failed to nurture enough self-confidence to be independent without the need of any approval, and so I am blaming who exactly? The entire human society for how it works? I feel like I am more like Djur4. He is not against the hunt altogether (he tells the hunter to go kill beasts outside), but he personally quit it and protects the beasts that CAN'T harm anyone, he has only like 3 true friends (funny enough, I also have 3 people that truly accept me as who I am without any contempt and conditions), but he has quite the mood swings and used to be fearsome (and well, I used to be aggressive kind of feminist anti something something years ago). But I am yet to become really like him, because he is confident living on his own with what works for him. (Heh. Would've been funny to switch M3nsis on Powder K3gs, considering he still resides extremely close to M3nsis base.)

In the end, what I am really looking for is the dreaded unattainable trait of "not letting someone's insults get to me", but even this is hard because if I never listen to them, how will I know when I am ACTUALLY being a dumbass? Is anyone really qualified to unmistakeably distinguish between "they insult me because they can't control me" and "they insult me because I really fucked up"? I've endured a lot of abuse from either "side" under delusion that they could not insult me without a logical reason... But what if they do not understand logic to begin with? Or what if their logic is rigid and stuck in certain dogmas, that can't adapt and evolve? And what if they don't know the "truth" but just fucking hate women, even if some of their observations and reasoning could be useful? In the end, no one can know my intentions better than me, but if I never listen - how WILL I connect with other people? Yet I did not connect just to be condemned for not being antagonistic "enough", or for constantly listening trash about women and their rights and being told that I am in "denial about FAAAAAACTS uwu" when I disagree. In the end, chaos is just another form of order, only its order is being antagonistic to the previous one.

And if I can't become whatever the secret third thing is... it is better to exclude myself from this life altogether.

#personal #existencial crisis #i just need to think #i deadass have no place and i dont fit into any 'covenant' #because 'being reasonable' is not a covenant #no matter how reasonable anyone sounds? #they eventually fall into 'i am right and if you do not 100% agree you are just another enemy' #but i always miss when they cross the line and just take their hate for demographic on me