#i didn't complain bc i didn't wanna be ungrateful but it's really frustrating bc he gave me something i didn't either want or need

[doofnoof]

I'm a little frustrated and have no one I feel like talking to about this bc my irl friends already deal with my whining enough, so I'm going to complain on tumblr like it's my diary bc I feel like that'll help a little? Idk.

TLDR: my mom has been dropping the ball on the whole lgbtqia+ thing, but otherwise she's been a pretty good and loving mom, who has always worked hard to put food on the table and keep my brother and I happy, and I feel ungrateful for not letting this one thing slide, but it's such a big thing I don't want to hide it to make other people happy, as that's never been something I'd do anyways. Help?

I'm really frustrated because my mother is lowkey transphobic/homophobic, she believes that just because someone dresses in an effeminate fashion and were born afab means that they have to be female or are trans for the attention, and it's really getting on my nerves that she doesn't understand how incredibly shallow and sexist that is? When an amab person wears a dress, such as Machine Gun Kelly (she adores him), it's perfectly fine, and "just how the younger generation is" but when people she knows in real life do it, it's suddenly that they're "really a girl," unless, of course, they're born a guy, then she tactfully doesn't mention it. If she were quiet about it and didn't bring up that these people I know are "really a girl" when said people are out of earshot it'd be fine bc I could ignore it, and we could do our own things, but honestly it's beginning to weigh on me that I can't tell her a damn thing about my fellow trans friends because she'd use that as an excuse to be an asshole about any of the afab ones. She also accidentally misgenders some of them while we're in public or at someone else's house, and I understand that having your head bit off for slipping up majorly sucks ass, I've slipped up and have had that happen a few times (before I figured out I'm girln't, and subsequently got really good at pronouns), but you'd think she'd learn not to do that if the reaction she got was as horrifying as it was the first time! And she doesn't learn! When she's out of earshot she goes right back to using the wrong pronouns, which is a disaster for memorizing the right pronouns in the first place, but also disrespectful to me and my acquaintances.

Now though, my brother (amab teenager) has come out as Bisexual (I warned him not to bc I could see her being awful about that from a mile away, he did it anyways) and she refuses to acknowledge that he might be bi, and refuses to give me a reason as to why he wouldn't be when in fact I have given her a handful of reasons why he would be, and she still ignores it in favor of buying him sexy anime girl posters and acting like I'm the bad guy for acknowledging my brother's attraction to other men. When she asked me about it after he came out to her, I explained to her that he told me he is bi, he has/had a crush on some of his male friends, and is attracted to quite a few male celebrities and characters, she made a sour face and told me to stop talking and refused to let me bring it up again for the rest of the month. She didn't see him come to me literally crying because he had a crush on this guy friend of his and his body was reacting to it and he didn't know what to do about it, and she thinks he's a straight guy bc he had a few crushes on girls throughout the years, especially his Middle/Elementary School years? She asked him questions about his attraction to guys and when he answered them in a way she didn't like she disregarded and ignored his answers, and now he's hiding in the closet and is afraid to try out and see if he might be on the aromantic spectrum, which is double frustrating for me because I just wanna support him and help, but she's making it difficult when she only sees what she wants to see.

She supports me in being pansexual and attracted to girls, and is starting to understand that I'm not a lesbian and do in fact swing both ways/many ways, but now that I've come out to her as nonbinary she's not even trying to understand. When I first came out as a "woman" who likes women, she told me that the church didn't believe in that and that it was wrong, before stopping and considering what she was saying and supporting me, and I give her credit for fighting back against her religious beliefs to support me as her daughter, but now that I've discovered that I'm not a girl and have never fit in as a girl in my life anyways, she is being difficult about it and I don't know what else to do.

Every year for any gift giving holiday she gives me some sort of jewelry on top of any other gifts she may give me, even though I've explained that I don't like wearing jewelry. She wants me to feel loved and expensive and beautiful when all it does is make me feel anxious that I'm going to lose this expensive gift she bought me that has no use except to look pretty. I like shiny, pretty things, I collect them all the time! I just wish she'd understand that if I'm going to own something just because it's pretty, I'd rather have it be something I can display in my room like my fancy teapots rather than something I have to wear in public, it just doesn't feel good. This is complicated by the fact that I want to continue to wear makeup, despite not being a girl, which is a problem brewing between us.

I am not so subtly trying to explain to her that I'm not a girl and am trying to stop her from forcing me into a girl shaped hole that I'll never fit into anyways, and she keeps making things harder than they have to be. I brought up buying a binder for my chest and her reaction is to tell me that it'd never work because my breasts are too big anyways, before going back to watching tv. Instead of taking interest in finding me boob clothing like she did when I first started growing breasts and wanted to go shopping for bras, she shuts me down and doesn't even try to find a work around for me, it's a no and a pass. I mention that I'd like to have a beard someday even though I don't have the parts that make you grow a beard because I saw my uncle tending to his and thought this would be a good time to bring up that I'm not a girl, and her reaction was to call me stupid and tell me to stop acting dumb. I have mentioned many times that I'd like to have guy parts, and her reaction is to tell me that all women wish they had guy parts at some point, and was pointedly quiet when I mentioned that if bottom surgery wasn't in it's infancy I'd simply go and buy myself a pp. If I can't even get her help buying a binder how would buying a packer or a strap be any easier?

I still want to wear makeup and dresses and whatnot simply because they look good on me, (which happens rarely, like less than once in a blue moon rare) but she takes that as me wanting to be a girl deep down or doing the trans thing for attention, and at this point I'm beginning to lose my patience with her. When cishet men do effeminate things she laughs about how fun and quirky they are but when I blur the lines a little and decide for myself what is and isn't something I want to do, gendered or not, suddenly I'm a weirdo?

I don't know tumblr, what should I do?

#transphobia warning #genderfluid #vent. #rant. #personal. #also please don't respond with some heinous shit #she's still my mother and I love her I'm really looking for validation and help #I'll delete this later but for now the whole world gets to see my problems #anyone can respond as long as they're respectful #I am a baby genderfluid/newly transmasc maybe looking for advice and guidance? idc if it even has to do with this post #if yall could at least teach me how to dress more androgynous or male passing as a fat person that would help lots #biphobia warning