#i do Not have the ability to upkeep social connection and friendships half the year its so fucking pathetic. frankly.

[yj-98]

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#it is repeatedly soulbreaking that without fail i will - every late fall + into winter - just become So Much Worse #every spring + summer ill be marginally better and ill make friends and feel social and like i can DO things #and then without fail i will recede and let people down and its just. i am tired. literally so tired of the cycle #i dont want to sound dramatic and call it ''letting people down'' and ''being a disappointment'' but its so. like i can barely feel human #i do Not have the ability to upkeep social connection and friendships half the year its so fucking pathetic. frankly. #but i like making friends i LIKE people. girl someone get me some counseling and SSRIs or something #ptsd and depression and lack of vitamin D gang. i guess. #because the feeling that im alone and hurting others by isolating against my own better judgment is soooo inescapable. yearly. #like whats the point. im tired of conversations having to start with ''hey sorry i was busy and my brain wants me dead'' #rook.log