#i dont feel like doing anything but then boredom is insufferable | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sleeplesssecrets · 7 years

Text

today is the fifth anniversary of my miscarriage. my middle school math teacher’s daughter just had a baby today. i dont feel anything. i never truly did unless someone else does. the day it happened i didnt express myself at all and i can’t remember what i was thinking exactly, i can just remember how much pain that was. it was nothing compared to full term labor, but at that time it was the most physical pain i had ever experienced in my life. the top three most insufferable physical pains i have experienced are labor, a miscarriage, and a disease i have i dont talk about because its not that big of a deal but when it happens it’s completely miserable. the worst emotional pain ive ever felt is hard to pin point because ive never really had a terrible thing happen in my life that affected me so bad emotionally. i guess the worst is having poor self image, which is an eh on the emotional pain scale compared to losing a baby to most people. my mom thinks im more sensitive about my miscarriage than i am. im more sensitive to her emotions. anyways im watching a new show i dont like so far and i hate how poorly they portray people. its just not believable. people dont talk to each other in code or fast and witty jokes all the time. people talk over each other and dont know what to say and dont say everything theyre thinking. i dont always have the right words or perfect story or best possible response. yesterday we were out with tanner’s grandparents and his grandma recently lost her mother. she said that losing her mom is a completely different pain than losing anyone else you love. and i awkwardly smiled nicely and watched her eyes swell with tears and didnt know what to say. i didnt want to say im sorry or that i understand or anything i obviously dont really mean. so i didnt say anything. i dont think im a very relatable person so i really dont know what to say. ive been trying really hard lately to be a patient and active listener and it’s paying off. it has it’s downsides but the best part is the more i listen the less i have to share. people love to talk about things and i have always been envious of people who cared about what other people had to say. people who listen and make eye contact and nod their heads and remember what people tell them. i always thought i was the type of person who didnt feel like i have to give up a part of me to be there for other people and it’s not like that. im not giving a single thing up from myself when i hear what other people have to say. not even my time. my time is relatively less important than having a conversation about anything with anyone. anyways i have one empty notebook on my bookshelf and i hate writing in real life for lots of reasons. the biggest one being anything you write is permanent, even if it was with pencil or whatever. you can burn the sheet of paper you wrote something regrettable down on and it doesn’t take away from the fact that you had to write something down and it was so bad you had to destroy it. ive written about a couple of my insecurities on this blog before and i realized how much they mean to me after i made them real by writing about them and posting it. it made them worse maybe. it doesnt help me to talk about things to myself. although i dont write to help myself, i write because i love to type and sheer boredom. nothing on this entire blog but the insecurities ive written about really explore myself. for my one empty notebook, ive been considering writing a couple major things down in it. and just keeping it on the bookshelf. i have had blatant secrets spelled out easy for anyone to see folded up in notes to my friends scattered on my bedroom floor and no one has ever had the mind to pick them up and read them. i could write about my greatest fears in that notebook and seal them away anticlimactically by shutting the book and putting it back where i had it. it’s the same meaningless notebook, same meaningless spot on my shelf, same meaningless arrangement with all the other same meaningless things i keep near it, just with fears and secrets and shadows and bottled up thoughts inside. i can take away from the realness of written out negative thoughts by storing them next to tanner’s unused bible and my high school graduation cd. but i probably wont do that. my next writing project is a google doc called in the case that i die. tanner gave me one condition about my dating life if he dies. and it made me wonder if i had any conditions for if i die. if i have any certain ways i want things to be after my death if it should happen so soon. i dont think i do but i cant know unless i start writing it haha. of all the things i fear, i dont necessarily fear death. ive come to terms with the end of my life. speaking of fear and death, i really miss roller coasters right now for some reason lmao. when i was little i would ride anything my height limit. if it went upside down, sideways, stopped midair, turned the lights off unexpectedly, or jerked you around i was not afraid. im still not, and i think im more of a thrill seeker than i thought i was. i dont say no to anything that feels dangerous but isn’t, like roller coasters. there is the inherent danger of them breaking, but if i die on a roller coaster i die happy. if i get severely injured on one i might think differently but that hasnt happened so im not going to worry about it. anyways. a question a lot of people have been asking me is what im going to do for my honey moon, and tanners parents are offering to gift us a cruise vacation after we get married, but tanner and i were talking about going next year when we have money again haha. i want to really enjoy it and whatever they say about money not bringing true happiness is stupid. having fun and having money overlap. and having fun and having other people’s money is the same thing ha. also, we have loosely planned a pregnancy... idk we havent talked it out details wise, but i want to have another baby before i never have another baby. my grandma had 5 babies like, 10 or 15 years apart i cant remember. and thats amazing and i low-key want that but also really dont. i think ill have one more baby, then start donating my eggs if im eligible. my mom hates that idea which makes me want to do it more. im a fertile but fragile human and i want to share my fertility with people by donating my pretty, smart lil eggs to people who will love them. women are born with all the eggs they ever will have in their entire life, but not all women have viable eggs and not all couples have uteruses at all. i want to extend the fruits of my womb to humanity. anyways im gonna go

0 notes