#i dont know. everything about his story feels like a parallel to the otherkind experiences i have AND the Feelings i deal with

[fish-and-forbear]

re : the last post about Negatives of autism

I don't and won't talk about it in detail, or likely ever again on this blog. I can't talk to my therapist about it either, because it will get in the way of the Actual Problems I need to deal with right now. But man does that post strike my heartstrings hard.

I used to be so....Angry. Like watching a train wreck happen in slow motion but you can't do a single thing to stop it, even though you know it would be as easy as pressing the "stop" button it's just not working.

I think I'll always have Big Emotions. But I was never an angry person (instead I would bend myself until I broke trying to please Other People because I was so terrified of making Anyone unhappy with me) but once I had the confidence to speak up, it quickly turned to never being able to Back Down again. From one extreme to another. Any injustice or frustration could blow up into a huge screaming or biting or clawing match. I still have scars. I still have a bump from a bruise that never fully went away. I lost my relationship to the stress and pain, but in a way at least we realized we both do better out of a capital r Relationship and we're very very good friends again.

But 8 years I lost, I lost an 8 goddamn year relationship with someone I loved so much but we were both too broken and neurodivergent and I too traumatized and angry to cope. Even when it got better it wasn't enough. I'm just glad we can still be friends. Our relationship as friends is still something very special and one I will cherish forever. But it does weigh heavy on my mind sometimes, when I get flickers of anger I immediately start crying. I am terrified of myself and the rage I feel.

I feel such....HUGE emotions, and it's so fucking hard trying to figure out how to explain to ANYONE what that means. How scary that can be. It's not just feeling extremely sad and sensitive about some things or overly passionate about things I like. And on the opposite end...feeling nothing, being unable to feel empathy, not being able to perceive or acknowledge consequences until they're happening.

It's being unable to back down from things that hurt, having yank in your stomach to LITERALLY bite and claw just because someone is singing off key in a quiet work place or feeling like your guts are being torn apart from residual pain of an already ended (and peaceful, there is Literally No Reason to be upset about anything) relationship.

I am okay with being autistic. I am. Realizing that a lot of my friends go through the same struggles I have for so long, it has been a comfort to hear "You are NOT alone and you are NOT broken." BUT. there is also a big difference between "I'm weird about food and textures and I don't have to feel bad about that!!" and....coping with the very likely reality that the misery we went through because of me, was because I am like this. Because I'm autistic. Because I feel so BIG and something in my mind goes straight to fighting back like an animal instead of keeping to myself. That's a lot harder to deal with.

The post before this put it better than I could. It's comforting is all.

#i dont have the words for it right now but i will definitely say #that my neurodivergence and autism are definitely linked to me being This Way with my identity #and my Big Emotions i think. are a huge reason i latched onto Kreel #i dont know. everything about his story feels like a parallel to the otherkind experiences i have AND the Feelings i deal with #its hard to talk about because i fear it comes across as a coping mechanism when its really not #its just....the way things are for me? #and maybe why human-looking cursed hero archetypes speak so much to me #because they experience such huge emotions and suffering beyond what the typical human goes through. what they cannot understand. #as with animals. they make more sense to me than human beings #i dont know what im really talking about right now #experiencing EMOTIONS #also not so ironically the only person irl who knows about this side of my identity and thoroughly encouraged it from the beginning #was my friend/ex...even now we are still very good friends #and i think our friendship has only become stronger and clearer once we were no longer in a capital r Relationship #and its been really helpful to have someone irl who is supportive of me embracing this side of myself. and comforting #even if its not always fun and kind to think about