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frecklesandpie-blog · 7 years

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12.29.16-1.10.17

12.29.16 I just hung out with Kiki again. It wasn't a fantastic hang out. It's like we are running out of topics to talk about. Also there were like two or three times where I didn't know what she was talking about. I think i really need to get out there and hang out and expose myself to new things. That's what friendships are meant to be. Not just two people sharing what they already know in their mind. It's also growing and sharing that. I'm going to do that. I can't help but have thoughts of how she thinks I'm boring or inadequate or awkward. Which means even more that I need to expose myself.

12.31 I woke up feeling a lot of anxiety today. It wasn't great. My stomach was feeling queasy too. I was going to go to a new year dinner for the meetup but I don't feel like it as of now. What I do want to do is be at home and do clinical stuff. Tho I have been wanting to do that stuff it feels like I did most of it. I did do a big portion but I think the fact I have to face is that reading and reading only isn't going to get me as far as I want clinically at the speed I want. What I really need is to reread what I already know before I put it into practice each time. Because i look at the excel that I compiled and what I compiled is indeed enough to do reasonably okay clinically . If I mastered it I would be good enough for where I need to be.

1.3.17 Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Today is January 3 and I'm absolutely not ready for this. Not ready at all. I'm going back to internship and class. :(((( It was so relaxing . I was able to do so much without worrying about school and without being stressed from internship. Sigh. Sigh . Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. There isn't enough sighs in the world for this. Okay in totally exaggerating. But I know that when I go back I'm going to be so pooped. Worst case scenario it'll be like before where I finish each session with out completing the note.and then each day I will have like 7 noted to do at the end of the day... Hahaha hahaha that's absolutely horrendous. I need to work on establishing boundaries and the so called supervisor Tory is not going to help me so I need to help myself. I think I'm having a hard time establishing boundaries because 1 . When I sit in session with then i feel like a god and a healer and an angel and letting go of that feeling sucks 2. I am afraid they will be upset if I end it . Will they? They will but that's what I need to keep my sanity and to give quality counseling. They also won't and it's also partially a projection of me onto them. 3. I really want them to like me. I really want people to like me bc in my life not many do. Which means I need to work on that and will work on that. 4. I am addicted to hearing such intimate things because it makes me feel important and I don't hear many of those intimate things in my life. Those are my countertransferences which will take as much time as I acted on them to work on as it may to take it away and act otherwise. I really do need to work on those things.i really do need to be a better clinician. I envision a life where I work on all the things I want to work on and it feels amazing. What new years resolution do you want to work on this year? My idealistic self has so many things I want to work on. 1. Pray, Bible daily 2. Religious book regularly 3. Exercise regularly 4. Friends/making friends regularly 5. Pursue my clinical interests regularly. Independent of Tory. Without blaming her or anyone or anything including my business and schedule for my slowed or minimal development. 6. Take nubs out regularly 7. Family regularly. Mom and dad.

I'm also curious about yoga and meditation but I won't make that a goal. Bc I already have enough. So yeah. That's all my goals. It feels like a lot and it is a lot . It is. A part of me right now wants to declutter the room so there's less to worry about. And so I feel more sane.

I would not have been able to write this for the past few days. It just feels like he's also here. And that thought is very distracting in my mind. For some reason. I don't know how I'm going to do this with him here all the time.i suppose it's either learning to change that thought in my mind or having that problem fixed when I move. So what do I want to do today? Today is not my last free day bc I will have Tuesdays off. But I suppose it also is my last free day bc all the following Tuesdays for this semester will include homework. What I wanted to do was to review my intervention book, and compile the child and adolescent book. Now that I'm writing this I also want to make a list of things I want to do to develop clinically. I suppose I did already get a lot of what I wanted to do done tho. Yup . I just don't really feel like doing those things. What I do feel like doing is cleaning up and decluttering.

1.4 So I purchased some storage cubes and a shelf. The illusion right now is that it will make everything look better. And indeed it will, but just not without me putting stuff away on a daily basis. I'm still excited for it tho. It feels nice going to work. There's peace in my mind. I'm not like rushing everywhere. Ahh what a nice moment. I wish I could do this regularly. The truth is that the stress and urgency of things. Quote urgency. Will probably get and I will have to put time and effort into somehow decreasing that sense of urgency. It will be difficult given that I have never deliberated worked on that in my life. Waking up wasn't too bad this morning either. I felt quite awake. It'd be nice if some mornings was like this. I'm going to be so tired by tonight. I have class til 9 so when I get home I'm just going to pet nudges. Do nubs humidifier and maybe take him out for 15 min . And then pick my clothes for tomorrow. Maybe one other thing but I'm not sure.

Ah. I just left class. It's like 10 already and I still want to pet nudge and take nubs outs. I'm not too excited about romoww. It's going to be an extremely long day. Like extremely long and I really need to take breaks, pee, snack, and cut sessions short. I do. How was class? Umm it was better after i started talking to people. Before that it was some social anxiety and stigma of being viewed as a stereotypical quiet Asian. And also being self conscious about what I wore. I seems to feeld defensive and just keep looking for people to blame about them being problematic, judgmental whatever and then just me judging people too. Next week though I'm going to sit next to the quiet ish but not really white girl. I seem to be making white friends consistently . For no reason? Nah probably reasons I just don't know or want to think about it .

1.5 Well today is another day of internship. I really want to not feel completely stressed out. But I have a hard time shortening sessions. What are the reasons again? I feel connected in a session. I feel I have a relationship with these people and it's very addicting. Addicting because I don't have many if any of those relationships in my life . I feel I don't have many of those relationships in my life and I also feel bad for ending it early. I feel like I keep talking and taking from the client by typing and documenting. And then not necessarily listening to her. I think that's the key. That I feel like i keep taking and taking. Like a leech and for once I don't have to do that and I can give and give and I really want that. Well how much do you want to structure it? If I structure it , I have time to think about my client. For at least three minutes. I have time to send my note when the session is done so I don't have to think about it afterwards. I have time to go pee and drink water and fill my tea with being a a few m8nutes late which is okay. And I feel probably 60% at least more satisfaction from internship. I think it's worth trying that for a day. Just a day. It will be extremely tough to grt over my urge to feel good about myself though. I think I'm going to do this. With adults. I'll spend the first 5 minutes charting. Then we talk and then i spend the last five minutes charting again. I can note during the session what topics and interventions were used . Let me make sure I get that down. That's important. And with children I'll end it earlier. At 40 min.

So it's the end of the day. I feel pretty good about today. I made sure to eat, pee, drink. I knocked out my whole to do list. Of course thats not all my efforts. I only had two patients today haha. But for the two patients I was able to end on time. And I completed my note within a few minutes of ending the hour. How did it feel to interrupt them? I think next time I'll let them know that for the first five and last five I'll be charting. And let them know in advance. Just to make sure I note down all the important things they say. My patients didn't feel disengaged. But of course then acknowledging to themselves that I am not paying attention to them during those times is normal. I just feel so physically hyped up still because my body has felt this way during this time and day since September. It'll get some getting used to. I may also be a little nervous because I see Paul tomorrow. I haven't seen him in like a month . I think I feel nervous BC I'm going to possibly have to provide an update about the family thing. Maybe not maybe I'll talk mostly about social anxiety in class. And the urge to find someone to blame. Find someone as an excuse. Pattern of feel like I wanna prove to old people that I am a different person. Pattern of feeling like I want to blame something and then check out so I don't have to out myself at risk of criticism. Criticizing before I get criticized.

1.10 Hi dear how are you feeling? I'm feeling okay. I guess I'm not really used to not worrying about things when it's not time to do it because this morning so far I've just been feeling the tendency to worry and feeling the tendency to feel as if the world is going to fall or as if I'm going to get in clean big trouble if I don't do XYZ reality it is all about I mean I guess I don't really have not much to do. I just have to finish that 5 page 4 page on genogram paper and then I have to do the other paper, that's it. That's kind of the same amount of work that I have during a regular semester. I've been thinking a lot about job-seeking, and I think about working at The Institute U-Haul, and it's just impossible for me to imagine that, knowing that I would know how to do case management stuff, in addition to therapy, and see my clients for 30 minutes, and I won't have time to take my notes. And I don't think Tori is as amazing as people make sugar cookies, it may be that my feelings towards her at this point are dictating those thoughts, but it just feels like Kama you know what it's cycle dynamic that's the thing, I really enjoy psychodynamic, and the work that's being done right now is very concrete and very solution-focused, and I think anybody that's not a therapist can easily or with some difficulty doing that. So I'm just really hoping that there are other jobs that are okay paying at least because the ones that I found art will pain so far that really gets me where I don't want to be stuck at the institute for three years. 3 years.. A lot of time, and you know already that I hate feeling stuck in places I'm feeling stuck and things and maybe even relationships sometimes. Anyway I've also been feeling the urge to worry about today. To worry about me hanging with Kristi, to worry about seeing the eye doctor,and to worry about the meditation thing tonight. I think I will see if my farts go away and if they do I will go. Even if they go away though if I were to be very honest i dont want to go because it's so late at night. I'll end up going home late. Which is something that I hate to hate because that's something that's been internalized in me by her and I hate that internalization. I feel that that internalization prevents me from developing socially a lot. And if I think about it it's true. I don't go to a lot of meet ups because I think they're too "late". Okay let me think what the problem is. I get hungry, and then I hear her voice in my head saying it's cold and it's late. And then I genuinely feel that and I feel distressed. And then when I talk on the phone with her and she tells me those things I hate it because those are the things I internalized. And also I hate it that she goes why did you go home so late it's dangerous out. And I am unhappy because I went home late bc of work and not because I went to socialize bc at least if I told her that I could spite her. You know what it makes me want to go out late more. I want to get use to it I want to feel peace in my mind when I go out late. I want to live that half kf my life. Yesterday I came home late and she pissed me off. I spited her by telling her that I was going to see friend and she pretended to be like what? Boyfriend? And j want to say why is that your business. Why does it matter to you if it's friend or boyfriend?also that matter is that I'm meeting your needs. Now stop fucking controlling me. I m going to express next time. Not like that of course. I. Going to say so what if it's friend? So what if it's boyfriend? Why do you need to know? I'm going with a person and I will not elaborate more. Actually that is what I will do. I will not elaborate further any longer. I will not . And I think I'm going to go tonight.if I don't go I will be reacting to my own fears and anxieties, not acting. And I don't want to keep reacting. I want to act. I just saw Kristi for coffee. It's so sad that I find someone I feel is not threatening and I am quite fond of but they happen to be moving back to California . Great . But it's okay I will look back in the future and see that they were one of the first people I was able to befriend. I will.

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