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tumblunni · 5 years

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I feel like I have too many friends...

I have trouble even dealing with just three or four close buddies cos I wanna spend ALL MY TIME with my friends but I can't do it with all of them simultaneously. So I just end up having really long in depth conversations with everyone and then they try and have even longer more awesome ones back to me but it means my inbox is full of four of them at once and by the time I finish reading and responding to one there's even more from the other person and then the first person replies to my replies and AAAA! Or I get paralyzed by worrying who to talk to first and trying to remember who I've talked to most often this week so I can balance it equally and show them all I appreciate them. And then I feel awful cos I'm online but I'm not talking to them,cos I'm being all stupid and anxious.and sometimes I talk to other more distant acquantences cos we might just say one or two sentences or something and it's easier to keep on top of those messages. And then I just feel awful cos the best friends can see that I'm online and see that I'm talking but I'm not talking to them and AAAAA it's hard to explain why...

And whenever I have a stressy day IRL it just compounds it all, I end up missing some prime talk time and then the conversations get even longer and I have even more to read thru before I can start replying...

Alas the curse of too many amazing perfect wonderful friends who all have so much stuff to say!!!

I think maybe I should follow less Tumblr blogs so I have more time for just the friend ones. It'd cut down on my 'mandatory chore time each day'. Cos I have the stupid compulsion to read EVERY post on my dashboard and I feel like I can't get my day started until I've read and responded to everything everyone posted since yesterday. I have a stupid tendancy to make everything into a chore in my head, or like..a thing where If i don't do it I'm a bad person even of it doesn't make any sense. So all the fun goes out of it and I'm only doing it because of my anxiety yet I just can't stop... I have a lot of blogs I follow not even because I like them but because I "have to" see all the things they do. same as how I have a backlog of 100 YouTube videos I haven't finished and I'm not "allowed" to watch new ones I actually like until I finish them, and I have like 200 steam games I got in various sales over the years and I haven't finished and I keep punishing myself for not finishing them which only makes it less fun and gives less reason to actually play them...

Basically I suck at dealing with big quantities of things no matter what it is. And four best friends feels like two much when I spent so long not even having one! Gahhhh

Nd then real life stuff has been so much more busy since I moved house and I need to also set aside time to remember to practise drawing and to buy groceries and wash all my clothes and just maybe this is actually an issue with me sucking at repeating things every day?? I seemt o have the opposite of routine, the more often I do something the harder it seems to be to remember it. I've gotta try and do it at different times or spice it up with different ways? It's so dumbbb why am I such a mess of executive dysfunction...and why does it keep happening with stuff I enjoy and I know I'll enjoy it but I just get so anxious about it that I don't enjoy it and I just sit here like a sad sack instead...

So umm yeah this is just an apology post for my stupidness,and I don't even know how to explain my stupidness, and umm yeah this is why I'm probably gonna be less active on Tumblr. Well, that and also a friend invited me to twitter and I've been trying to be more active there,and also trying to spend some time every day playing a videogame so I can cut down on the 200 game pile, and also spending some time a day cleaning and painting and furnituring so I can get the house sorted, and also trying to go out more often and explore the new neighbourhood and just GAH there's so much to do every day I just get all dumb and scared and end up doing nothing...

I guess it's just a side effect of making so much progress with my mental health this year, stuff has gone a bit too fast and I feel like I'm in over my head. I honestly kinda only used to have so much free time for blogging cos I was depressed AF and stayed indoors all day. Was too depressed to even do any of my indoor hobbies like gaming or drawing either. Not that blogging is a bad thing or anything, I think finding comfort in blogging helped me make my progress, because I found a lot of kind people here and different kinds of odd lil encouragement to try again at the stuff I was scared of. Like shit posting helped me start making art again???

Man it's just so complicated and I'm trying myself in knots trying to figure out the reason why I'm nervous about having so many friends and I guess it's just something I might never know. Anxiety isn't exactly rational, after all...

But umm yeah I guess I'm weird cos im less of a 'talk every day' person and more like 'talk once a week but when we do I talk SO MUCH and it takes seven hours', lol. I'm such a weird mix of introvert and extrovert where I both REALLY ENJOY talking but also am SUPER SCARED OF IT????? And I suck at making future plans cos i can never predict if my anxiety is gonna happen tomorrow. I'm always like HELL YEAH I WANNA DO THE THIBG TOMORROW and then oh no I am actually tomorrowing into a black hole of depression.i guess I should start being more "can we do it today" but then again that'd be rude aaaa...

God how do I manage to deal with my dumb head, I wanna stop being a rude friend.

I don't know why so many people want to be my friend in the first place aaaa!!!!

I love you all so much and I just get anxious I'm not doing everything perfectly right to show you I care,so I end up doing nothing and sending the opposite message...

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