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#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone
vilelittlecritter
·
1 year
Text
Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse
#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont
#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean
#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun
#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly
#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well
#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that
#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour
#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little
#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!
#ha ha. this is agony.
#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone
#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one
#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse
#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy
#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking
#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much
#im also just really snappy sometimes
#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine
#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them
#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents
#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them
#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone
#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it
#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay
#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor
#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon
#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed
#personal rambles
#vent tag
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