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seriouslyhooked · 5 years

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Lost Souls and Reveries (Part 16)

22 part AU written for @cssns. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6,Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15. Story available on AO3 Here and FF Here. Banner created by the amazingly talented @shipsxahoy!!

Killian Jones is a wolf shifter without roots, without plans, and without a pack. He’s a rogue, someone humans should avoid and shifters should be wary of given his lineage. But one night years back set him on a path he didn’t realize he was taking, a path leading to a future he is destined for. That future is tied up in one woman – a human named Emma Nolan. Together Emma and Killian will find not only answers, but a love that’s truly fated. But will love be enough to set them free, or will past demons win out in the end? (Answer: love always wins – I am writing this so despite some tiny pockets of angst it’s basically a fluff-filled insta-love fest). Rated M.

A/N: Hey everyone! So we are back after the LONGEST time away I have ever had from fic writing since I started way back when. I know it was such a long break, and so many of you have reached out to see if I am still in this, but I never forgot this story. I just had to pass the hardest year of school ever to get back to my CS happy place! There is so much going on in this story right now, so many pieces that need tying together or resolution on, and in this chapter we are moving full steam ahead (but since it’s been a while you might want to go back and refresh on where we left off before). There’s finally a meeting that so many have you have been waiting for and there’s love, loss, and so many other emotions too… but I won’t spoil much more than that. You’ll just have to read and then let me know what you think! Anyway thank you all so much for continuing to follow along in this story with me. Hope you enjoy!

“Okay, so I know that technically I can do more than make flowers grow, but I have to be honest… this is so freaking cool, I never want to stop!”

The excitement exuding from Anna this afternoon as she and Elsa worked on some magical ‘training’ with Ruby was undeniable. Emma couldn’t blame Anna for that elation either, not when she was watching her friend do something remarkable and almost unbelievable. The beautiful garden that had been here just a few hours ago was now totally over grown, with so many more flowers than there had been before. The colors of their petals were also now touched with an ethereal element. They seemed to glow, and to radiate this precious golden light from within. The veins of each leaf swirled in a pronounced and gorgeous way, and these plants were simply bursting with life and energy and magic.

Over the past three days Anna and Elsa had been doing their best to make progress in their ability to wield their family gift. This had been a fatiguing process, with Ruby having to start from very basic places. There were rules, it turned out, about how to cast spells and use magic safely. One had to remember all of these steps to make sure no one got hurt, and though at times Anna was a little hyper active or distractible, Emma had never seen her friend more studious and focused. She was determined to access her magic and do everything she could with it, and that determination was bringing her leaps and bounds in a very short time. In fact, Ruby was so confident in Anna’s ability to test her gifts and to remember to follow the laws of magic that she’d given her free time to just explore what she could do, thus this impromptu garden party of sorts.

“It’s amazing, Anna. How does it feel?” Emma asked, having a sense herself as she felt the warm and subtle kiss of the magic in the air around them. Emma felt rejuvenated and calmed all at once by this magical display, so she could only imagine what casting the spells that made this possible felt like.

“It feels like…” Anna closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and soaking in the joy around her, and when she opened her eyes they were filled with emotion and a thoughtful quality that spoke to real happiness. “It feels like getting to lick the spoon when Grams makes cookies, or the first beach day with Mom and Dad every summer.”

“That good?” Emma asked, less as a question and more as a statement of awe and true joy for her friend.

“That good,” Anna agreed, her smile growing as her eyes cast around at all she’d created over the past few hours. But eventually her gaze turned back to the house and some of that happiness dimmed. It wasn’t fully gone, but now there was a little bit of sadness in the midst of all this celebration. “I only wish that Elsa felt this way too.”

“She’ll get there,” Emma promised, though she didn’t have visions of the future to check that that was true. All she had was a thorough understanding of her other best friend, and faith that soon the pieces would fall as surely into place for Elsa as they had for her sister. “You two are never far apart for long.”

“And where we go you usually follow,” Anna joked, making Emma laugh even though this time that couldn’t be the case.

“Unless you know of some mystical waters or whatever the heck sparked magical people years ago, where I could get a gift like yours, I’m not sure that’ll be happening this time. I think the flowers only have one new overlord to answer to.”

“Well of course your magic won’t be the same,” Anna said, like this whole conversation was so totally obvious. “But being a shifter? I mean come on, that’s arguably the coolest magic of all. You’ll get to turn into a wolf for crying out loud!”

At the mention of her suppressed shifter status Emma’s heart jumped. That seemed to be a recurring thing since her grandmother had turned up and dropped the bomb of all bombs. Well honestly, maybe the biggest reveal had been the fact that her grandmother was even alive at all, but looking past the magic that was required for all of this to be real, and the heartbreak of the years that Ruth and her Dad had been apart, the reality that there was shifter blood running through Emma’s veins was surreal.

Being a hybrid, even if her ability was currently blocked, changed so much about what Emma knew of herself. It was a blessing and a curse in so many ways. On the one hand Emma was glad to have some things make more sense. The white wolf in her dreams all those years ago and that feeling that not everything was as it should be now made sense, but at the same time there was no guarantee that Elsa could even remove the block in Emma’s spirit as she had for Neal.

Currently Elsa was trying to access those memories with Ruby, but it was slow going. And even if Elsa could recreate the spell, Emma had to think about if that’s what she wanted. It would no doubt be dangerous, and no one actually knew what happened when human/shifter hybrids came of age. She would be the first one as far as they all knew and she was so out of touch with her animal Emma didn’t even realize it was there when she was awake. So how could she ever expect to be a good shifter? How could she hope to learn all that needed to be learned? What if in the end she wasn’t meant to be one? What if -

“Uh oh, and there you go again, over thinking things,” Anna said, bringing Emma’s attention back to the real world. Anna’s hand was now on her hip and she shook her head in an almost chastising way. “You’ve got to stop doing that, Ems. Elsa is going to figure this out, she’s going to find a way to safely lift the block, and then you are going to finally be all you were meant to be.”

Emma didn’t want to argue with her friend, but suffice it to say she wasn’t as convinced. Anna made it sound so simple, but in Emma’s mind it wasn’t. What she had right now was brilliant. Her life was full and happy. She had her family and her friends, and she had a true love, her fated mate, a man who made her experience love in the most blissful of ways. She didn’t want to risk any of that, and she didn’t want to go off hoping for more when what she had right now was more than enough. No one should be this lucky, despite the continued unrest that waiting for Liam was bringing, and Emma didn’t want to jinx things by feeling entitled to being a shifter too.

“It’s like me and my magic, Emma. When we found out, I was excited but I was also really scared. I kept thinking that everyone was wrong. There had to be a mistake, because it wasn’t me who was special it was Elsa.”

“Anna,” Emma said, her earnestness showing through in her tone. “Elsa might be special but so are you. You deserve your magic just as much as she deserves hers.”

“I know that, Emma, I do, but even if I know that, there’s still that voice in my head that doesn’t want to hear it, and I bet it sounds a lot like the one you have telling you that you’re not ready to be or worthy of being a shifter.”

Anna came over and took Emma’s hand in hers in a sign of solidarity. She was right, after all. Those negative thoughts did seem to be something they shared, and though she was nervous, Emma craved the chance to overcome hers just as Anna had.

“So how did you get over it?” Emma asked and Anna laughed.

“I didn’t. It’s still there sometimes, but I just have to tell it to shut up. Fear doesn’t want you to hope for good things, Emma. It wants you to limit yourself and deprive yourself of things that could be great just because they also could be scary. You can either cave to it or you can overcome it, and not so deep down you know that. And you know how I know that you know? Because you, Emma Nolan, are one of the bravest people I have ever met.”

Emma’s throat tightened at the words, and she could feel her friend’s own emotion starting to get the better of her. Anna’s feelings freely flowed in the air around them just as they always did. She was not the kind of person to stifle her reactions. Instead, she spoke the truth as she saw at, blowing Emma away as she did.

“There’s no one else who faces a crisis like you, Emma. You stay steady, even when everyone else breaks. You did it when we were kids and small scale things happened, like when the Heller boys decided to start bullying Elsa, or when someone had to scale the McNealy’s fence to get our ball back.”

Emma barked out a laugh, thinking about old Mr. McNealy and how he used to scare them senseless as kids. Now they knew he was just a curmudgeonly old guy, but back then he seemed like a real monster.

“And you did it when everything was happening with Neal. You had to take on so much far too soon, and you did it unflinchingly for your brother and for your parents. Then, when we lost Grams, and then lost Mom and Dad so soon after, you were there for us too. Night and day, no matter what, you were our rock. As much as Elsa and I pulled ourselves together, you were right there with us, and you never questioned it. It’s always a given to you that you’ll help everyone you love and anyone you meet.”

“Well when you put it like that…” Emma said, attempting some humor even though her voice was thick with emotion. She was touched at Anna’s words, and it came to a head when her friend pulled her in for a hug. The tears pooling in her eyes fell at that point, quietly but undeniable, and she had to wipe them away as she pulled back. “Thanks, Anna. And just for the record, I don’t think I have that calm in the storm thing all to myself.”

“I know. It was a great pep talk wasn’t it?” Anna asked, prompting more laughter between the friends that continued until some rustling came from the hedgerow and Elsa and Ruby appeared.

“Seems like you two are having fun,” Elsa said, her eyes softening immediately as she saw Emma and Anna. There was still stress there, but Emma could see that Elsa felt better being back in their company.

“Well there’s plenty to go around,” Anna joked, flicking her wrist and launching an ivy vine up into the air and having it rustle against Elsa’s braided hair. “Unless you guys still have work to do. It’s kind of been a lot for one day, don’t you think?”

“About that… we’ve got some good news and some not so good news,” Ruby announced, her hands waving along as she talked, a trait Emma knew she and Killian shared when they were catching other people up to speed. “The good news is that we were able to access Elsa’s memory of when she helped Neal.”

“So you saw the spell?” Emma asked, looking between Ruby and Elsa. A chill zipped through her at their faces, because despite the breakthrough, neither of them seemed super enthusiastic.

“We did,” Ruby continued. “Turns out Elsa did the impossible – she literally removed Neal’s two souls from his body to blend them back together.”

“Removed them... wait, like killed him?” Emma asked, shocked, and Elsa looked so stricken as she quickly explained.

“I didn’t kill him. It was just a few seconds. It happened really quickly. He just went to sleep for a second, that’s all.”

“But technically without a soul a person is dead,” Ruby supplied. “And if they’re not, we’re entering vampire territory.”

“Vampires?!” The question was yelled out not just by Emma, but Anna and Elsa as well, and Ruby winced in response.

“Sorry, bad joke. Vampires aren’t actually a thing. But then again removing souls from a body wasn’t supposed to be a thing either. So at this point…” Her continued attempt at light heartedness petered off as Ruby shrugged.

“But you can do it,” Emma said, looking to Elsa and her friend nodded.

“Apparently I can. I had no idea what I was doing then, and I can’t find anything in my family’s archives. It’s a mystery.”

“Would you even be able to do it again?” Anna asked and Emma fully expected Elsa to say that she couldn’t, but for the first time Elsa looked certain as she nodded.

“Yes. I can do it.”

“Maybe,” Ruby stressed. “She can maybe recreate a miracle a second time, but I have to be honest guys, this is not magic I know how to wield. It’s a real risk. Anything could go wrong. Your souls could react badly, they could not blend, they could reject any kind of intervention at all, and if they did…”

“If they did, I could die.”

There was no need to say anything else on the matter for a moment. The four of them allowed Emma’s observation to hang in the air, sinking in in a sickening way. Life and death situations were something Emma had faced before, but she’d never willingly put herself in a dangerous way. To do so now would either be incredibly foolish or impossibly brave, and Emma wasn’t sure where she stood yet on that. On the one hand, she could be taking a huge risk only to lose everything she now held so dearly. On the other, this could be the answer to that last missing piece of the puzzle that was her life. Plus it would help not only her, but Neal as well who was going to be facing his first shift just a few more years from now.

“Whatever you decide, Emma, there’s no need to rush,” Anna said, finally breaking the silence that had fallen as she touched Emma’s arm in a reassuring motion. “It’s not like Elsa is going anywhere. We’ve got time to see what you might want.”

“Exactly,” Ruby said with a firm nod. “This isn’t the kind of thing we should be too hasty about. Let’s just tackle one thing at a time. Liam will be arriving any day now. Let’s climb that mountain before staring down another.”

The four of them agreed this was a good place to leave things, and Emma was relieved. Crazy that the impending arrival of Killian’s unknowable brother was of relief to her now when for days it had been so anxiety inducing. But for some reason, that felt like a battle that could be won. For this moment she was part of a team, it was her and Killian and her friends and family. She felt like anything could be accomplished as long as they were together, and she genuinely had hope in her heart that things weren’t as hopeless with Liam as Killian believed. But trying to heal her block… well that would just be her and Elsa trying to do something they had no real clue how to do, and that was scary as hell.

“Ruby, what’s wrong?”

Elsa’s sudden question prompted Emma to look to her new friend, immediately feeling a pang of anxiety again. Ruby was overly alert, and Emma had seen that kind of posturing before from Killian when he thought she was in trouble.

“We’ve got company.”

“Liam?” Emma and Elsa asked at the same time and Ruby shook her head.

“No. I think I’d sense if it were Liam. No I just heard something. In the woods back there.”

The three friends turned to follow Ruby’s gaze, but Emma was shocked when Ruby moved forward towards the sound. She told them to stay back and she’d figure it out, but just as she moved out of sight, Emma, Elsa, and Anna heard a throaty chuckle that came from the opposite direction. They jumped in surprise and whipped their attention over and then Emma and her friends sighed aloud in relief.

“Graham, was that you?” Emma asked, and their town Sherriff grinned.

“Maybe.”

“It was him,” Anna said with an eye roll. “Well I hope you’re happy. You scared five years off my life. Not cool Graham.”

“Ruby it’s okay you can come out!” Emma called. “It’s just Graham. He’s harmless.”

“Oh you wound me, Emma. I like to think I could do some…”

Whatever words Graham was going to say trailed away as his eyes looked past Emma and back to the tree line. Without even having to peer over, Emma knew what he was staring at, or rather who he was staring at. The only person in that direction was Ruby and from Graham’s expression, this was more than a strictly ‘she’s hot’ reaction. Emma flipped her gaze to her new friend and sure enough, Ruby looked just as struck silly as Graham did.

“Ooh, look it’s happening again!” Anna whispered whisper-yelled gleefully. “Love struck, the two of them. It’s like Emma and Killian 2.0. I bet you guys a month of diner lunches that they’re fated mates too.”

Both Emma and Elsa refused to take the bet, instead watching (with totally no chill and no attempt at giving Graham and Ruby privacy) as the two shifters moved toward each other. Emma wondered what it must be like for them, but she had some idea. Killian had detailed to her what it felt like to be confronted with one’s other half if you were a shifter. Everything shifted focus and all of a person’s senses were heightened and needy. It was an instant force of lust and want and adoration. It was really love at first sight, and for most shifters it was just understood. There was no need for small talk or getting to know each other. Nature chose your perfect match, and time would prove that to be true.

Because she knew this, it didn’t surprise Emma when Graham took Ruby’s hand in his and when his other hand came to cup her cheek. They were so close, eyes flashing a wolf’s color and they looked just a split second away from forgetting themselves entirely and making out or doing more. Surprisingly though, words did come, and though Emma and Elsa and Anna were totally forgotten, Ruby did seem to have the sense to ask some critical questions.

“But how did I… there’s no trace of you in town. I should have known about this - known about you.”

“Oh trust me, babe, Tink is going to be hearing quite an earful from me about this.”

“Babe?” Emma whispered to Elsa and Anna, half shocked at the word choice and half uncomfortable. In all her years of knowing Graham he had never, ever, called anyone anything like that before.

“Tink?” Ruby asked, and Emma was really curious now about what having a mate meant for Ruby. There was a chance she was so overwhelmed with Graham that she wasn’t able to tap into her gifts, but this seemed like a relatively straightforward vision. Also, Emma was like ninety five percent sure Tink had been mentioned more than once.

“Girl, she is so gone for him,” Anna said gleefully. “Oh! We should make popcorn!”

“Uh no,” Emma and Elsa said at the same time before Elsa continued on. “If anything we should leave them be. It’s only a matter of time before they start going at it, and we don’t need to be anywhere near seeing that.”

Emma laughed at Elsa’s claims as Anna feigned a sigh. Obviously she wasn’t interested in spying on the intimate moments of two new mates, but Anna really did love love, and Emma knew her friend was hoping for more cuteness before any impending sexy times. But whatever any of them were expecting, it likely wasn’t what happened next. One second Ruby and Graham looked poised to run off together, and the next Ruby’s features changed and her eyes went hazy. It only lasted a moment but she jumped when it was over and she looked to be in actual pain. Graham moved with her, and though Ruby was still alarmed, Emma could see the slightest bit of comfort come form Graham still being there. Still it wasn’t enough to fully calm her, and what Ruby declared next sent ice rushing through Emma’s veins.

“He’s here. Liam’s here, and he just found Killian.”

Shit!

………………………………..

At times like this it was difficult for Killian to know if pacing was a product of habit or an animalistic urge.

There was evidence enough to suggest it could be his animal. Wolves were known for patrolling when they were contained, agitated, or ready to fight, but as the morning light shifted to a mid-day warmth, Killian’s pacing felt like more than that. True, he felt a little held captive; the anxiety of what was coming was getting to him and there might indeed be reason to fight. But this motion right now, this back and forth route in front of his new Storybrooke home, wasn’t caused by his brother or an impending battle: it was caused by a desire so strong it was starting to control him.

As the days passed by, Killian’s love for Emma only grew. Despite the full moon being long gone by now, he felt this continuing clawing need to be near his mate. It was difficult for him to be away from her, and it was damn near impossible when there was a threat not too far off. In fact, the only thing keeping him sane right now was that she was protected and surrounded by other people who loved her. Ruby was a more than capable shifter who had made it very clear that she considered Emma family in the realest kind of way, and with her visions she should see any danger for Emma before it got here. They had been spotty as of late, with larger blind spots than she was used to, but both Killian and Ruby were certain that when the time for Liam’s arrival actually came, Ruby would know of it. That, coupled with Anna and Elsa’s new gifts, was enough to keep Killian from trailing Emma all afternoon and trying to protect her himself.

The fierceness of his need to see Emma safe was one of the strongest things he’d ever experienced, second only to his love for her, and carrying around such immensity of emotion made Killian eager to shift and to run and howl. He’d allowed himself the first two so far this morning already, but eventually he’d been called back to human form and to the house again. Connecting with his wolf right now just didn’t seem to hold all of the power that it once did for his peace of mind, and Killian was relatively certain he knew why. For underneath all of that protective instinct, and beyond the anticipation of seeing his brother again, there was something else clawing at Killian, something he wanted to do so badly but kept having to keep himself in check over.

Opening the small black box that held a symbol of his hopes for he and Emma, Killian looked down again at his grandmother’s ring, his eyes catching the way the precious gem sparkled in the light. It looked just the same as it always had, a classic and beautiful ornament, now fitted to Emma to perfection, and designed to show the world how tied up they were together. It was a testament to love, a symbol that, if she said yes, the two of them would be wed. And even though he knew that’s what Emma wanted, seeing as she’d already agreed to be his mate, it still made his heart sputter in his chest to think of asking her. He knew that he wanted that moment to be perfect. Emma deserved everything from flowers to candlelight. She deserved ambiance and the undeniable truth that he loved her more than anything. She deserved a story, one they could tell forever and look back at with pride. But even though he knew what should be done, it was killing Killian not to just do this now. He hated waiting. His patience was all but fried, and every day that he spent not working towards that forever with Emma hurt him more than he could say.

But here was where it all came back full circle. Because the reality was he couldn’t create that moment. He couldn’t give Emma those things when he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. All of them were anticipating the arrival of his brother and the showdown that would come, and until that was faced and dealt with Killian couldn’t do what he wanted most. It would be too selfish on his part, and he already had regrets about how things had gone with Emma already. Not their being together surely, for he could regret nothing about having Emma in his life and in his heart. But he wished that things could have been a little less harried. Emma was strong and determined. She would stand tall through whatever storm came their way, but he wished she didn’t have to. That essence of normalcy that she was craving? Truth was he craved it too. If they could just have a little bit of peace and quiet to enjoy all that they’d found it would be miraculous. But it seemed too much to ask the universe to have such a brilliant mate and a bit of time to truly enjoy his good fortune.

You’re going to wear a patch in the grass, Killian.

He heard the words in his head and they were said with the loving chastisement that only his mother had ever truly been able to capture. He closed his eyes and stopped, inhaling the fresh air around him and breathing out again. It was rare for him to do this anymore, to hear his mother’s voice as he went about his life. He’d shut off the part that was open to her and her goodness so long ago. When he trained to confront his father, he stifled that old connection. He shut down the little voice inside his head that reminded him what was good and right. But since he’d found Emma and tried to separate himself from that old life of revenge, he was more and more susceptible to it again. That susceptibility was both beautiful and painful. On the one hand he swore he could hear his mom right now. He could picture her in his minds’ eye shaking her head at him with a smile at her lips. But he knew when he opened her eyes she wouldn’t be here. There would just be more waiting and more agonizing over what was next.

“Bloody hell, Liam, I wish you would just get here already and be done with it.”

The words were gruff as he spoke them aloud, nearly yelling with the ferocity of his agitation. He kept his eyes closed and tried to center himself again, but before he could a voice by the tree line responded to him.

“Wish granted.”

Careful not to make any sudden movements, Killian pivoted to where he heard his brother’s voice and looked at him for the first time in so many years, seeing that it was in fact Liam there, and not just some figment of his imagination.

A few seconds passed where Killian allowed himself to take his brother in, and though he was surprised at how clean cut and together Liam still seemed to be, he didn’t let any of that show. If this reunion was going to be anything like last time then he was in for a hell of a fight, but there was a real need for Killian to control himself. Even on the night he was first infected, the bite had made it so Liam was out of control and unable to resist his baser urges. To counteract that, Killian had to be smart. It was the only way to handle this and to see that he, Emma, and the rest of their friends and family were okay. Still, looking at Liam now was like a stab to the heart, for though all this time had passed, he still looked as he always had, and Killian swore he saw a mix of sadness and also love in his brother’s eyes, despite everything.

“It’s been a long time, little brother,” Liam said, filling the space between them with words that were charged in a way Killian couldn’t understand. There was no anger there. No resentment. Just longing and a little bit of pain. “You look different.”

“I am different,” Killian replied. His muscles flexed slightly, and though he hoped to hide it from Liam, Killian watched as his brother tracked the movement. Liam didn’t reply in kind though, instead siding with continued conversation as he moved a bit closer.

“Ah yes. A mate’s love will do that, or at least that’s what they tell me.”

Now Killian couldn’t help tensing up. He didn’t like it at all that his brother had mentioned Emma, even in the abstract. It was too close for comfort, but when Killian let out a low growl, Liam only laughed. It was a barked out sound, one that made it seem like Liam hadn’t had cause to laugh in a long time, but it calmed something inside of Killian. It wasn’t threatening. If anything, Liam seemed to be enjoying himself. That was unexpected, but it didn’t feel aggressive and that was something to be grateful for.

“Relax, brother. I didn’t come here for her.”

“Then why did you come?” Killian asked, wanting to believe Liam, but knowing that the bite would change any man and that it had already started to change Liam years ago.

“So it’s like that then,” Liam sighed. “Straight to the point. No conversation after all this time? No soft landing?”

“Why bother putting it off? You’re here, and we both know why.”

“I’m not so sure we do,” Liam replied thoughtfully. “I’ve thought of this moment every day since that night. I thought of what I’d say when I saw you again, and damn if I can bring myself to say any of that now. It all seems… not enough.”

“Well why don’t we start with the basics. This control you’re displaying. Is that… permanent?”

“Much as I might like to say yes, I can’t do that. For all my flaws, lying is something I still can’t abide by.”

Killian’s stomach fell at the confession from his brother. It was confusing to say the least, because on the one hand Liam didn’t seem to be doing anything that would signal that he or his wolf wanted to fight. There was no display of dominance, no call to contest. To Killian that signaled that maybe Emma’s more wishful thinking was right. Perhaps Liam was here to make amends and to make things right, as crazy as that seemed, but confessing that he wasn’t actually in control scared Killian. He’d seen the flip switched in his brother before. It was terrible to behold and if Liam couldn’t stop it then it was only a matter of time before Killian bore witness to that beast again.

“So the sickness. You haven’t cured it?”

“No,” Liam replied, his acceptance of his condition heart wrenching to hear. “I am what I am now. A monster, a beast, an abomination: you can call me whatever you like, but the curse remains.”

Killian allowed that truth he already knew to soak in. Again he’d been hopeful, and again his hope was thwarted. Of course Liam was still burdened with this blackness. There was no escaping it, but still it killed Killian to hear it. Listening to his brother berating himself, calling himself a monster – a beast – it was terrible, and yet Killian couldn’t contradict him. He knew nothing of Liam anymore. He knew the man he had been, but what was to say that man truly remained? He appeared to be here, but appearances weren’t enough to build trust on. They couldn’t be, not when the stakes were so high.

“You never were good at covering your emotions, brother,” Liam said witfully, his eyes studying Killian intently. “I can see it all practically jumping off of you. Love. Wariness. Sadness. Fear. Crazy you stayed hidden all these years. You’d think so much energy would be easier to track.”

The mention of tracking put Killian on alert again. There was the reminder he needed that this wasn’t a one off. Liam wasn’t here for a casual visit. He’d been hunting for Killian for years and Killian had known it. He’d lived off the grid as much as he could. He never built a life, never had roots. Hell, he never had dreams of any kind for years and years to stay ahead of that search. His life had been hellish, and that hell was in no small part because there was always the threat of Liam just waiting to take him down.

“What can I say? Ruby’s a powerful witch.”

“Ah she always was. Little Red,” Liam said with another strange laugh. “Remember when we called her that as kids? God she hated that.”

Killian was thrown by the tenderness Liam displayed for Ruby. This whole exchange was honestly giving him whiplash. One moment his brother was kind and trying to connect, the next he was poking Killian with the reminders of the threat he posed. It was confounding and confusing, and it made the wolf inside scratch at the surface, trying to fight this out instead of lingering in whatever strange game Liam was playing here.

“Ruby isn’t the reason you came either. So let’s get on with it. Why are you here, Liam?”

“I’m here because I have to be. We had to meet again. You made sure of it that night.”

“I spared you that night, Liam. I…” Killian trailed off before reiterating the thought, because honestly he wasn’t so sure that’s what he’d done. Had he spared Liam? Or had he just damned his brother to so many more years of this descent into madness?

“You made a choice, a choice that speaks to who you are, brother. You could have killed me, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. It could have all been over. You could have been free, but instead you chose another path. This path, and now we have to face it.”

The ominous words hung in the field between them and Killian didn’t know what to say. Liam was right after all, at least in a way. He hadn’t been capable of killing Liam. There just wasn’t that option, and because of that there had been the risk and that sinking sensation that followed Killian all these years that they’d meet again. But while his brother was resigned and yet also strangely unreadable, Killian was resolute. Things wouldn’t end the same way twice. There were too many other people who needed protecting, and too much more to live for now than there had been years ago.

“I’m sorry, Killian. I’m sorry for that night, and for any night you’ve faced since that you worried about me. I’m more sorry than you can ever imagine. I would have done anything to spare you that.”

Wait… what?

“You’re sorry,” Killian repeated, his mind reeling from the truth he heard in Liam’s out of the blue words. “But you’ve come here to kill me.”

“So you keep suggesting,” Liam replied, his eyes taking on a little humor again.

“And what are you suggesting, Liam? I realize this is all some big game to you, but frankly I don’t want to play. I never did, so if you’ve come to fight me, fight me.”

“You know I thought this would be different, our last time together,” Liam said, his voice a wistful whisper, as it sailed across the breeze to Killian’s ears. “I should have known, even if I hoped for something more. But let me cut to the chase. I came to -,”

The snap of a branch in the woods very close to them claimed both brothers’ attention, and when Killian saw it was Tink his feelings were mixed. There was relief, but also dread. He couldn’t exactly explain why, but the reason would show itself soon enough.

“I caught a new scent in town and thought you might need backup,” Tink said, but her usual confidence was cowed in an instant when a fierce growl sounded out so loudly that it shook the ground around them.

Killian whipped his head back to look at his brother, but Liam was gone and all that remained was the beast in man’s clothing. His eyes were like coal, his face was snarled, his stance was poised for shifting. He heaved for breath, his anger rolling off of him, and just like that the nightmare Killian had been reliving for years was with him once more. Whatever had just occurred was over. The talking was done, the dancing was finished, and now it was time to face this twisted fate once and for all...

Post-Note: Okay I know I know I left this on a cliffhanger and I am terrible! BUT I have some pretty great news – the next chapter of this story is already mostly written and I will be posting it sometime in the next week! I should probably space it out more since the rest of the chapters aren’t completed yet, but trust me – you will all want to see the conclusion of what happens between Killian and Liam. Anyway thank you all so much for your patience and your continued support. Hope you’re all doing well, and hope you’ll tune in next time!

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overcaffeinated-creative · 6 years

Text

A Sort of Fic, Sort of Dash Summary of Mereel and Jazari

Or, I feel like I neglect Jazari and Mereel and the cuteness that is them way too much.

This got super long but I love all of it.

- Mereel and Jazari meet really, really early in the war? Jazari’s office (more of a converted broom closet that only favors freezing temperatures because of the tech) is in Arca Barracks along with her Master’s office. She meets the Nulls, Alpha ARCs, and everyone else that rotates through with Intel.

- Yes, Jazari was there for when the Nulls holed themselves up in Arca Barracks. No, she doesn’t hold that against them but dammit, the timing was inconvenient. Solus and Lumi were traumatized from Geonosis, there was a war that full on started, someone ordered a secret army of Jango Fetts, and now this?

- Their Official Meeting was less Meet Cute and more Meet Funny.

See, Jazari knows Mando’a. Partially because it’s useful and mostly because of Solus. Early on, Little Solus spoke a rough sounding Basic and forgot words a lot. Jazari started learning to help her new Katarn Clan member feel like she belonged. Now, it’s because Solus speaks Basic only when it’s convenient and she applies that word loosely.

- The Meet Funny centers around Jazari’s sleep deprived ass being called into Master Arligan’s office to help debrief the Kal and the Others. Soon as she hears Kal’s name and sees his armor her mind blanks. She looks like some kind of bastard space succulent as her face strays between it’s normal heavily olive complexion, the bright red trying to take over and her Mirialan Green showing up too.

She also curses Solus’ existence because, “You told me it’s slang for ‘small dick’ but not that it’s a name?”

(Kal knows what’s going on and just tells her to ahead and laugh. He’s resigned to this fact.)

- Bastard Space Succulents may turn into a joke with them now that I think about it. He gifts her succulents real or printed on things or just pictures.

- From there it turns into pretty smooth sailing for everyone. Jazari’s a Jedi, yeah, but she doesn’t really act like a Jedi. Her robes are a loose interpretation of standard robes, stuffy does not describe her behavior at all, and she can talk shop on a lot of things. Mechanics? Computers? Slicing? All the seedy places on Coruscant to get any kind of contraband imaginable? She’s got you covered.

- Her and Mereel just click? They get along like a house on fire. They’re both flirts, far more intelligent than people assume at first glance, and generally good humored about things. Daredevil Lunatics are Jazari’s specialty so what is reckless? Hell, she not only keeps up but can suggest even better ideas.

- The dating thing feels like it should happen early on but absolutely does not happen forever. Mereel’s a Girl of the Week type for a long while and Jazari is Jazari. She splits her time between Work, some random hook ups/friends with benefits, and whatever Thing her, Solus, and Lumi have fell into now.

- Part of the friendship totally involves food. Jazari’s been known to occasionally make treats when she sleeps at the Temple, in her and her master’s apartment. They get brought in to feed everyone at Arca because sharing is caring. If she brings a few extras, some made to look really, extra nice for Mereel who notices? Nor do they notice if she knows he’s scheduled to come through soon she makes his favorites. Who really cares?

- Zey cares because he can see where this is going. But, I also feel like there’s just a moment where he really can’t take that little bit of happiness from her. There’s a war going on that feels like it’s trying to divide the Galaxy in too, they Order’s hemorrhaging Jedi (about four months including a fellow Sentinel he helped train, Leska Drayson, leaving Solus Vetra floating in the unknown), and Clones are dying left and right. The Galaxy is falling into Hell with no end in sight and the Light feels like it’s dying. He warns her not to overtly run afoul of the Code then leaves her be. If this keeps her faith in the light going then let her have it.

- When Mereel starts hanging around her office this also turns into her offering whatever extras she has around. He just so happens to stop by and see her and she just so happens to order extra.

“I think the word to describe this is hetikles? Try it and tell me if I got the word right?”

“Lumi skipped out on meeting up again. It’s Twi’lek spicy but want her share?”

“They sent me too much. Want to share?”

- Eventually they stop acting like spending time together is an accident and they spend their kind of downtime around the Barracks together. Her tiny office couch and comfy visitor chair, as opposed to the uncomfortable one, are his. Unless, she’s sleeping there for the night...again. Because Jazari is married to computers and keeping track of everything that she stays there for days. Really, they should just give her a bunk so she can sleep stretched out.

- If Mereel has science questions for her she either answers them or goes on a giant hunt for the answer for him. Because she enjoys learning new things too and they share a love of wanting to know.

- I imagine this eventually leads to Jazari helping on occasion with finding a cure for the Clones’ rapid aging. Fully making of said cure is 100% Mereel but she’s their to offer assistance. Sometimes it’s being his sounding board for ideas, others as a study partner or Finder of Things, but mostly as a Rubber Ducky. He talks through whatever chains of chemistry and genetics that’s causing trouble to her and she listens.

- He returns the favor for her computer coding and slicing.

- Jazari also goes above and beyond and builds a sort of genetic sequence simulator for him to work with. It took some effort to get the program datapad compatible but she worked really, really hard for this. Same as she starts studying some genetics to be a better Sounding Board and Rubber Ducky.

- The first big thing Jazari leans on Mereel for is when Solus left them. It went beyond leaving the Order and the Republic but she left for Death Watch. No one could ignore those reports coming in of Solus fitting the description of a Death Watch member, how Krownest turned into House Vizsla seemingly overnight, nor the uptick in successful strikes by Death Watch against the Republic.

And no one wanted to let Jazari forget it.

- No matter how angry she is about this reckless, dangerous, stupid looking choice there is still a Solus sized hole in her life and it hurts. Her life feels out of balance without her Introvert acting like an Extrovert bounding around telling stupid stories or gushing over new fighter tech. Lumi is more withdrawn now because those two had a connection meant to span lifetimes. Beyond the anger and the sadness there is real fear. Solus may have finally bitten off more than she can chew on a path Jazari may not be able to follow her down.

A lot of what’s eating at Jazari is something she can’t verbally express to others so she turns to sparring. Mereel falls into this and they’ll go round after round together. Leaning on him was not the plan (her problems aren’t his to bear, she knows Kal’s stance on Death Watch, and she’s not making his difficult life worse) but it still happened. He’s one of the few non-Jedi people who she shares any kind of relationship with who has the security clearance for her rants.

The biggest rant that needs clearance is what Solus did to a large portion of their network on Nar Shaddaa. It was like ten proton bombs had been strapped together and get off with a Hyperdrive. The Nar Shaddaan Rooks (a fake Mandalorian Clan as Jazari had been told numerous times) almost became a smoldering crater with the few alive and mentally sound people left on the wind. That level of chaos spooked a lot of other Republic Friendly Assets in case the Psychotic Butcher came back for Round Two. Not even Jazari would piece together what in the Sevens Hells of Corellia Solus wanted to know.

- Helping out everything is the fact Jazari is almost impossible not to like. So, she gets on well with Kal and Mereel’s brothers. Tries to be observant of their Mandalorian Traditions and remembers little things. Once she even confesses that Kal reminds her of her Dad.

- This turns into Mereel getting to hear bits of what Jazari remembers about Jedha City and her Dad. A man she still quietly idolizes because he was smart and good and kind. He also gets stories about the two kind Guardians who took care of her for a few months after her father died, surly but kind Baze and humorous Chirrut.

- I’m not super aware of the specifies of the Nulls story lines just yet but I imagine Mereel starts to tell Jazari little things. Maybe admits he kind of feels like he’s in Ordo’s shadow.

- For a softer interlude, I could see Jazari taking Mereel to this multi-level garden she visits sometimes. I imagine it’s like a part museum, part botanical garden and animal sanctuary. There’s even an aquatic plant tour where you basically rent respirator masks and go on this self guided, swim tour of plants and caves. It’s one of her favorite places ever on Coruscant.

Her absolute favorite area though is the desert ones, especially the cold ones, because they remind her of Jedha.

- The next big thing Jazari leans on Mereel from is probably the shitstorm Lumi becomes when Depa Billaba almost dies. After Solus left, Mace and Lumi were on the outs more than the in (a relationship that fully crumbles after Ahsoka is cast out of the Order), Depa became Lumi’s cornerstone. Her devotion to her Lineage Sister was one of the few things keeping her in the Order beyond the obligations she felt to Clones.

Lumi withdrew so hard Jazari worried the world had only become black and white to her. She grew more aggressive, almost froze over, and threw herself into mastering Shii-Cho because, “Master Fisto had the greatest success against Grevious.” Unspoken but fully known is that Lumi is prepared to decimate Grevious entirely in Revenge.

- During this spiraling I imagine Jazari at one point makes Mereel promise he’s not going to die during all of this. She had just finished sobbing onto his shoulder (which she feels bad for later) but she’s had to face the very real chance there’s going to be a Lumi shaped hole in her life soon. She’s tired of losing people and he’s forbidden to become one of them.

“I’ll pull rank if I have too,” she murmurs into the nape of his neck while clinging to him and still trembling, “But, neither one of us give a damn about this. This is as friends. You’re too important to me. I can’t lose you too.”

It speaks volumes about how she feels because he’s on the same level as Solus and Lumi in her mind. That’s a precious, almost scared place to be.

- When something looks Off in the Coruscant Guard, Jazari trusts Mereel enough to mention it to him. There’s a new guard among Palpatine’s personal bodyguard who was part of the Umbara Fiasco. She doesn’t trust anyone’s intentions at this point.

“I read the files,” she tells him. Neither talk about the way she broke into them. “He was prepared to fire on his own brothers and killed a Jedi. Even in self-defense, I know how sly the wording in the military code is. He shouldn’t be alive.”

- What this eventually turns into is Jazari showing a complete faith in Mereel and admitting both her and Lumi had been in contact with Solus on the sly (both before Pre’s death and afterward). Solus is fully outside of this entire, rotten to it’s very core system. As she words it, “We have restrictions to what actions we can take. She does not. Even after everything, I trust her to investigate.”

- Also admitted would be the hint of jealousy she feels toward Solus being happy? Not that she’s begrudging one of her best friend’s her happiness but the fact Jazari wants to feel that level of peace. Bitterly, Jazari points out Solus looks happier among terrorists (or former terrorists after Death Watch splits) than she ever looked in the 11 years among the Order and the Republic.

- Another soft interlude moment before Order 66 is Jazari falling asleep with Mereel on her tiny office couch. It was not built to comfortably hold one person let along two with the shorter one being 5’ 10”. When they wake up, it’s wrapped entirely around each other, legs tangled together with Jazari on top of Mereel. Her chin is digging into his shoulder while her hair is tickling his nose. One of his arms is around her waist while she has one twisted in the way only a Mirialan could achieve without dislocation. They half under the quilt she came to own because someone got tired of seeing her sleep burrowed into her own robes.

Jazari tells him they should just run away together. That way they can have a million more mornings like this and in more comfortable places. They could wake up to the early morning sunlight creeping over the hills and through the window causing the curtains to glow. Have caf outside while sitting on a swing. He has to make it though because he’s picky. Wants everything made in an infuriatingly difficult way with the only the best, hand roasted beans that cost way too much.

- If they’ve never kissed until this point (which I’ve not worked out when that happens) it would 100% happen in this moment. She basically told him she wants a normal forever with him.

- Order 66 happens soon after. Jazari does not make it off Coruscant with the others. The assortment of children, teens, and adults fleeing with her got cut off in the lower levels of the Temple. Instead, they spend nearly a month collecting others, hiding out, and waging their own warfare against the encroaching Darkness with Erkan. Jazari works to get messages out and doesn’t tell them she was hurt nor how the wound isn’t healing like it needs too.

- Lumi and Mereel get a crash course in getting along when they meet up. It absolutely was not the intention for Lumi and the small group she had to crash into the Skiratas attempting to escape. But, it happened. She saved Etain when her life was almost cut short. Between that and her skills at flight it she was useful. Both of them know that Lumi and Jazari splitting from each other to better their chances of escape was the Right Choice. It doesn’t feel like the Right Call though.

- The month it takes for things to fall into place is Tense. I imagine Mereel wants to save Jazari Right Then and Lumi wants to back him with that plan. Depa’s dead and so is Caleb. Even Mace is gone and no matter how little they saw eye to eye, she still loved him. It would be so easy to give into the grief, burst in blasters blazing, and make Coruscant and Palpatine and the Galaxy feel her pain. But, she forces herself to behave.

- The surprising plan comes when Harti Wren gets in contact with Kal and the others on behalf of Solus. Jazari got a message out to her and Solus has a plan. Her riduur’s family told them how the Dark Saber was stolen from the Temple during the Fall of the Old Republic. That’s going to be their way out. It’s a really tense meeting in Harti’s Keldabe apartment; tempers rise, words get shouted, everyone is on some kind of dividing line. More so when Solus’ plan only includes herself, Lumi, and still on Mandalore, Ahsoka Tano for the mission.

Unknown to them at the time Jai Vetra was planning the evacuation of the Republic Kamino Base for the same day.

(As standoffish as Solus acts, I do believe she deeply sympathizes with Mereel and the others. Pre fought Maul and died without her being there. She knows how much it hurts to be sidelined - in her case because she had given birth only a few months prior – and have the person you love die in the process. But, she also knows that too much emotion on a mission turns it into an unpredictable shitshow. Hell, if she had better options she sure as fuck wouldn’t be heading into this clusterfuck herself because she’s too emotionally tied to the mission as well.)

- Eventually enough compromises go down for it to happen even if Jazari remembers very little of evacuation. She was feverish, weak, and it seemed to be losing a fight to an infection in her arm. She’s partially aware Erkan may have died on the way out but otherwise feverish. Solus takes the other Jedi to Clan Vetra’s stronghold (as agreed to keep Clan Skirata Safe) but Jazari is sent with them.

- Mij Gilamar ends up being able to save Jazari but it costs almost all of her left arm. The tissues too necrotic in too many places, her body doesn’t have the strength to keep up the fight to save it, and frankly, the Force may be the only reason she survived that long at all. Medicine sure as fuck doesn’t have the answer.

- Mereel’s by her side the entire time and is right outside her bacta tank when she wakes up. Everything’s super blurry in her eyes, Jazari’s almost afraid it’s a dream again because she can see Mereel, but she still smiles at him. Soon as she’s out, still coated into bacta and feeling slimey, smelling like she rolled in pineapples, they are hugging. Jazari kisses him so many times and full on cries.

- Getting used to the mechno arm took some time. Yes, it moves and feels and responds like her flesh arm but it’s not the same. She bonds with Corr over their arms and picks up his habit of sharpening knives on the metal finger tips.

- When she’s doing better, Jazari does get her “Let’s run away together” fantasy of waking up on a perfect morning. They have caf, watch the sun rise, and cuddle on a porch swing. Then there’s a tooka wrapping around her ankles, Kad starts giggling while Etain groans from the kitchen, Besany is choking back laughter, and no one’s entirely sure what’s that noise was from Parja’s workshop but it sounded like something backfiring or maybe a small explosion? It’s not what she first imagined but it is so, so, so much better.

#caff writes #jazari naaji #mereel skirata #mereel x jazari #jareel?#mezari #fuck if i know what their ship name is #s: bastard space succulents #well the name blend one #look i had way too much fun and i fucking love how this turned out #they're not in a perfect place but they're happy

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