#i hope they still use that somehow somewhere bc the body horror potential is off the charts

[spiritcc]

Got it ol in me ded moroz bag, eNJOY THE INFO DUMP, CHILDREN.

1. Andrey Mironov and his Interesting Facts 

Lemme not be original and recite the facts that might just as well be very-well known but I myself constantly forget about these:

The dude suffered from skin boils (furuncles) all over his body: this is one of the reasons he always wore these never-ending turtlenecks, it was just a way to hide the skin horrors. Those fuks also hurt af which bothered Mironov’s stage partners and friends in scenes where he’d have to fall and/or get caught by other people, because that they’d have to grab all his 20359582 sore spots and deliver The Pain. Obvs they’d be like m8 lets just change this scene but Mironov insisted to do it for The Art, so all they were left with was to figure out how to grab him today to lessen the pain. 

The dude got one real daughter and one fake daughter (stepdaughter ok ok), both were named Maria, which never fails to entertain me whenever pics of both of them show up and ppl are like HECK YEA MASHAS!!! WAIT WHICH MASHA IS THIS??? The fake daughter recently split up from Livanov’s murder son which is a shame imo, it really looked like there was something good going on but alas.

Mironov was the epitome of YOLO, in a positive way, all Mironov and His Friends ever cared about is how to make money and have a grand time, bc nobody was ever rich in the USSR and tbh not that happy either. They can and they WILL get across half of Russia on a scooter to make a show for the grandmas of the Meat Processing Factory No. 425 for em sweet sweet 100 roubles, the absolute SLÜTE for the cash and vodka, jump in for the Good Kush and do not look back. The shite they did on their international theater tours is something else entirely, ma dudes, but basically: THEY WILL EAT YOUR CROPS, STEAL THE FOOD FROM SQUIRRELS, BEG STRANGERS FOR MONEY, DO A GROUP PISSING.

The betch was a constant victim of pranks: whether it was from Livanov and his canteen sausages, or his bffs Shirvindt and Derzhavin who packed his bag for his honeymoon with bricks and a portrait of Lenin, but the pranking shitstorm was relentless and neverending and it looks like Mironov took it all with a big ol face of :’)

2. The most dramatic celebrity romance

I think we can agree it’s them fucking Vladimir Vysotsky and Marina Vlady, my gOD how fucknig dramatic and inflated and over-exposed and fucking overrated, the meaning of DRAMA itself. Yall know how much the government LOATHED every single breath Vysotsky took anyways, thenks to his poetry/songs that rightfully shat all over the most prominent aspects of living in the USSR, so the guy was rolling in constant drama 24/7 as it was, bUT THEN! He just HAD to get involved with a French fucking actress and make it serious: cue the absolute shitshow of them trying to get married, then an even bigger shitshow of Vysotsky getting so fearless he wanted visas to visit his wife in France and he gOT THEM in the end, possibly resulting in the government using his cutouts as target practice. So the betch keeps spitting out his Realest Songs despite them being forbidden, gets a free pass to teh fuckin ABROAD!!!!!! to dick his wife down, and gets away with it ol!!!!! The romance is so fucking shite lmao the gal is still trying to make it out as something Special when the motherfucker was quite openly cheating on her left and right, he literally died with his new burd at his bed (i am so sorry yarmolnik’s wife i luv ur husband and i hope yall still happy together). I think I’ve accidentally read a snippet from her book where she fuckien started describing them FUCKING in some cringy terms i was like hELLO???? THE SHIDD??? Basically, every aspect of Vysotsky’s life and their marriage was always some full-blown drama and tragically enough it still is bc all these other fucks are still alive and throbbing for attention i am so tired.

However, I cannot not include a VERY HONOURABLE ADDITION of uuh ~somewhat” celebs because this romance was GOOD, AND VERY GOOD, AND EXTREMELY GOOD!!!!! 

Fucking Brian Grover and Elena Golius in 1938, the absolute mad lads. We have a luv story of an English engineer and some Russian gal who fell in love despite the very real fears in the current regime and all, and despite the gal being woke enough to try and dodge such a potential death sentence on her ass, but Grover’s intentions were good and pure and serious so the otp became canon. The dude was such a sicc engineer he got actually nationwide famous thanks to his sicc good actions during some oil rig explosion disaster, which did make him a celeb I guess. After that the gal felt safe enough to confess her luv and get married but SYKE LOL good luck with that in the fucking 1930s! So Grover came up with a Cunning Plan where he just quit his job, bought an old truck and hid the gal between flour bags, transported her to Moscow and they somehow managed to get married there, bUT SYKE AGAIN!! He had to come back to England one day and when he wanted to return back to Russia TOUGH LUCK LOL THE POLITICAL SITUATION HAS CHANGED UR BLOCKED BETCH BYE. The wife pleads the government and is told to get fuck’d, she applies for a visa and gets fuck’d, the husband accepts a job in Persia and works there for five years in hopes that the country has sum Right People to help him get in Russia, but no luck. Finally, the wife writes to him that’s all lost and rip and they should just forget it all, and this is where Grover goes :) 

One day a nice man shows up at London’s flying school asking for a pilot’s license, to which he obvs gets a rational answer of UH M8 YOU GOTTA COMPLETE THE FLYING COURSE N ALL IT LITERALLY TAKES YEARS TO DO??? and the man says that’s ok :)) i am ready :)) in just under a MONTH he gets his license, and uses his last money to buy an old plane and pay another pilot to accompany him on his Surprise Journey, which was literally FLYING ACROSS THE CONTINENT ILLEGALLY TO RUSSIA TO SEE HIS WIFE. So em fucks buckle up and navigate their way with a help of a fuckigg world map from a high school geography book, it was so cold Grover had to water the fuel meter with hot coffee from his thermos to stop it from freezing, all until they finally ran out of everything and safely crashed SOMEWHERE in Russia. 

So as the shocked as fuck farmers watch an English fucking plane crash in their field, some nice gent crawls out and in broken Russian says something liek Hello I am Brian Grover and I’m Here To See My Wife :)) 

Cue the NKVD prison, the mass coverage from the press, the criminal charges up to 10 years in gulags bc of how many fucking laws he broke, but as it became very clear that his only objective was to see his wife, the court suddenly chilled the fuck out and only ordered him to pay a fine and allowed the luv burds to ~reunite~ while the court cheered. SO BRIAN AND ELENA GOT TOGETHER FOREVA AND HAD TWO KIDS AND LIVED WITH EACH OTHER ALL THEIR LIVES TILL THEY WERE LIKE 90 AND DIED ONE YEAR APART!!!!! 

IF THAT AINT THE MOST DRAMATIC ROMANCE IN THE USSR THEN NOTHING ELSE IS.

3. Goodie actors/Baddie actors

i wallow quite a lot in biographies and autobiographies n all, and from them i certainly learned that no person is just 100% good or evil, like there are always aspects of their lives where they are assholes, but there are always good sides to them as well, so in that conclusive sense of ASSHOLE vs ANGEL, nobody is either. My luv smoktun is a strong power bottom irl but an absolute annoying betch when it comes to The Art, mikhalkov is the fuckin devil child but everybody always praises how good of a director and even a friend he was (NOT ANYMOR HUH), Livanov is always that 50/50 on the pure evil vs goodness good scale, like it’s hard to just pinpoint a BETCH or a UWU. 

But I’ll try and say that on the Bad scale, it’s usually the gals, and Nonna Mordyukova is one of them. Like we have divas, but then there’s this gal where you just never know what she’ll do to you. A nightmare to work with (”mordyuk” the “”swear word””” from the diamond arm is literally Gaidai getting pissed at working with her this much), explosive in life, holding fucking nothing sacred. Varley, her daughter-in-law, was just liek TF 24/7 bc one day the grandson would be her best person ever and then SUDDENLY she’d be like FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS KID WHO KNOWS WHERE IT CAME FROM!!! despite the kid being a carbon copy of Mordyukova’s son. You’re just constantly at her vague mercy wondering which stars should align today for her to suddenly change your mind about you, like idk what is everybody loving about her but she was a rather heavy and unpleasant person to be around and fuck that. Also, not a good fucking actress. Find me a role where she isn’t playing some Ethnic Slavic Woman. 

As for the Pure Good, we will never have the Pure but the Big Good is Alexander Abdulov. Trust me, this guy sure knows how to tell you to fuck off and push his own self to get something and punch you in the face and even describe how he’s going to dismember you with a straight face (asdfgh it’s a long story), but he was Good. Anything you read about him, all Good, he was a very friendly guy, outgoing, active, kind, made friends with everybody, was an insane workaholic (only managed to work on the wizards during the night bc for the rest of the day he was busy in FOUR OTHER FILMS SIMULTANEOUSLY). I luv his own fake daughter story bc he really did consider Alfyorova’s daughter his own, and he’d fuckin punch you so hard if you tell him otherwise. As he said himself, he knows all her problems, all her interests, all her worries and joys, so she is his 100% no-gmo daughter. aND the fake daughter has an insta n everything and everytime she mentions Dad it’s nothing but love and rainbows and almost a decade later after his death she still cannot bring herself to visit his grave bc she just doesn’t believe that he is truly dead. All of that, mind you, with the fact that abdul and alfyorova split up and he had a family of his own later in life n all, so there was NO obligation for anything at all from either of them and yet still abdul loved her senselessly. She’s ask for a bag of sweets and he’ll get her a fucking truck of these, total mad lads all around. PLUS he was Peltser’s almost fake son she luved him this much, and stories about Peltser indicate that she was One Hell of a woman, and yet even she crumbled before the Good. I’m just never worried when it comes to articles about abdul bc i know it’s either clickbait or something good again. 

THAT’S ALL DED MOROZ HAD IN HIS BAG FOR THESE QUESTIONS, CALL SNEGUROCHKA X3 MORE TIMES TO SUMMON MORE   

#andrey mironov #alexander abdulov #vladimir vysotsky #QUESTION TIM BITCH #ASK MORE MY BALLSACK IS STILL FUL- shouldnt have said that