#i keep feeling excluded from the precious few friends i made in uni and i wouldn't blame them for not liking me I don't like me either

[slashingdisneypasta]

Can you write some cute headcanons for Randall before he turns mean in the frat in university? 😊

Hey! I didn’t know whether you meant X Reader or just in general, so I give to you- (a couple of) both! Hope you find something you like ^^ I’m not totally confident about them, but I really hope they’re okay!!

~~~

General:

·         He used to take the time to sticky note his favourite books. Like, put little coloured notes in all the parts he likes or that he knows he might, possibly want to re-read later on- it meant that his bookcase was always full of a long fringe of pink, yellow, green and yellow notes above the tops of the books.

·         He would also run his fingers through those fringes when he was nervous. So soft, and fluttery against the edges of his fingers… It was just a good way to calm him down.

·         He also got a few papercuts here and there, but he didn’t really mind.

·         Oh my god, he used to take his favourite fictional character so. Seriously. Like us! XD I don’t mean, like, getting mad at people if they don’t like them or anything like of course cuz that’s crazy, but like- he would go through the motions along with them as the story progressed. If they got embarrassed, he would turn invisible, if they won then a rainbow would progress over his skin, if they were sad he would pout and go blue. That kind of thing! And it didn’t end when the story did, either. If someone mentioned those character’s he lived adventures through again, afterwards, he would react just the same.

·         (Nowadays he tells himself that that is stupid)

·         Such a positive bean!! (On the outside) He would force himself to be optimist (Honestly, he still does that… but a lot more self-absorbed and greedy. Like, ‘if I do this to this person, then I’ll surely get to the top of the scare record’).

·         He. Loved. Halloween. He got such a confidence boost from disguising himself!! I mean, that’s what he’s good at isn’t it?? He would always get complimented by people for his costumes and he would just be grinning the entire night. Also, in the words of the late Wes Craven, ‘To wear the mask of the killer, or of the ghost, or of the skeleton, it gives the kid a sense of a lot of power and also safety, ‘cause the monster can’t get you if you are the monster for that moment.’

·         His last year celebrating Halloween was that first year of Uni.

·         He loved Heathers. His favourite song was Big Fun. Now he despises it.

·         Those cupcakes he made?? Those were his own recipe. He used to love baking as well.

X Reader:

·         Okay, you were a loner (In life in general. You just prefer your own company. I feel you there) but you warmed up to Randall surprisingly quick. Surprising, because of course your general disinterest in other people which was well known around school, and because Randall didn’t really have friends. So he was surprised, because, well,

·         Not only are you actually super nice when you actually warm up to someone but you’re warming up to him?! And you did it so quickly!

·         It made him feel special.

·         It was a piece of cake warming up to Randall’s presence. Everything about him made you want to smile. Just his very existence. Such a cute, sweet, brainy guy!

·         And being around you made Randall feel braver. Like somehow, just from being around you, he was learning to have a stronger back bone and more of an understanding of what behaviour from other people towards him is acceptable and what isn’t. He felt more confident in what he was actually comfortable with and what he wasn’t.

·         You two were so-o geeky together. Always fitting in quotes from your favourite shows and books into your conversations- you, in particular, did it in conversations with other people, too, when you noticed Randall fading or looking down. It wasn’t meant to exclude others. It was just, you know… a strategy to bring back Randall a bit, then you could all move on.

·         You always got so happy when he talked about other people because that meant he was making friends!

·         He was always super respectful when you invited him to your place because, 1. Your parents are there and he was generally a very polite boy, and 2. This is your place. And as introverted as you are, it was especially important that he doesn’t intrude or, I dunno, leave his vibe anywhere. For some reason, though, you never minded when Randall was around. He could leave his vibe wherever he liked- you loved his vibe!

·         So much cuddling. Like, soooooooo much. You would think he would be nervous about PDA, but he really wasn’t (And isn’t). I mean, you were there, and you were touching him!! What is not to enjoy?

·         Plus he totally thought he looked super cool to everyone else when he had you with him, so

·         “Hey, ah, Randall? Hi Y/N, too. How were your classes? I’m just slipping in for ten minutes for a snack before my next class so please hold the PDA, while I just slip in and outta here like the night- “ – Mike

·         BONUS:

·         Randall’s feelings for you do not change at all when his personality does. You’re entirely special, and so precious, to him.

·         He very literally, only has eyes for you. God, he’s straight up aro/and/ace towards everyone else in the world that isn’t you, even if you leave him. He keeps trying to get you back when he’s evil (In fact, he thinks becoming successful will attract you back to him).

·         Somehow you end up in the same workplace as him and he does not miss a chance to talk to you (Either showing off or just having idle chit chat. Or, trying to. You may ignore him- he refuses to acknowledge that fact though), checks all the sign up lists and roles for your name out of curiosity about what’s going on in your life/just to see your name or handwriting, waives whenever you’re in the same room even if he’s busy (He’ll just take a moment to give you a short waive to acknowledge your existence), scares off other romantic interests from you, etc.

·         Oh my god, imagine if Sully or Mike tried to ask you out-

[apromisetoyou]

Dear brothers,

I am writing this to share about my own reservations about our brotherhood. The stag party is the trigger but this issue has always been there, hidden below the surface right from the start. Perhaps the reason it is being surfaced now is because your lives are both stable now (at least from my perspective). With stability, you accept the trade offs that must be made to keep this stability. And we know clearly, with respect to our self-interests, what trade offs we prioritise according to the values and definition of success we hold.

Therein lies the problem. As per Arthur's advice, I have consciously sought to define my own metrics of success. I suspect that while we share some overlapping metrics, there are a few fundamental metrics that are different amongst the 3 of us (maybe more so between me and the 2 of you). When we were still growing up, it is easier to focus on the shared metrics/values as outlined in the brotherhood because we relied on one another for support. Those times were much more innocent as we simply wanted to share fun experiences together while achieving the laid out milestones in life such as getting good grades for As, entering a good uni and finding a good job and the right person to spend the rest of our life with. Now that your laid out milestones are achieved, things will become more complicated because the remaining milestones are what we have decided for ourselves. More often than not, there will be challenges, competition and pressure that will compel you all to take a hard stand regarding what you have chosen, i.e. compromises are much harder to achieve. It takes time to be willing and able to act on enlightened self-interest. Therefore, while it is true that the 3 of us might have known each other clearly before, it is not so clear cut now. With changing priorities that follow what I mentioned above, we have lesser communication due to our busy schedules, meaning that we would all have changed in one way or another with some of us not realising something different about one another. This would mean that my initial discomfort about joining the brotherhood has once again returned. I do not know if you both can accept me for who I am, and neither am I willing to change certain aspect of me. As things stand now, can we really from the bottom of our heart, say that we prioritise each other above all other friends? I do not have confidence in that and neither do I wish for such a rule (which applies only to the past now) to bind me and force me to choose a side - like a party whip.

What happened during the stag party was an attack on my ethics. I think we can still agree on morality being subjective so I am not making an argument based on morals. But when it comes to ethics, it is something precious to each of us, which will be consistently applied, no matter which self we present to others. Much as we have different selves to present, we also have a consistent reference point to make our decisions and grow ourselves - an inner core from which stems our value judgements that would reflect our ethics.

As much as I wonder why Ekwhye didn't reach out to us to make his stand and preferences clear for the stag party, I too wonder why I didnt reach out to him actively to clarify as well. Was it that I have been hiding behind the convenient pretext of busyness for the 3 of us to avoid pushing for more meet-ups and quality time? Is it the same for both of you too? Is being occupied with our own life a reasonable justification for brothers to stop communicating?

Why didn't Ekwhye stand up to defend me? Why was I made to feel like an excluded traitor? Why did I feel like I cannot trust you all to spend the night together? Why did I feel like I was forced to choose a side in the name of fun for a brother's stag night? These are all unresolved questions. And as long as they remain unresolved, I cannot continue to bind myself to this brotherhood. I can remain as close friends, but no longer brother.

As far as I can tell, there might be 2 ways in how our relationship might turn out

1. we start to really communicate more often so that we can continue to unconditionally keep each other's back, without feeling like we have to choose a side and lose our own authenticity in the name of brothers

2. we start to insert conditionalities into our promises of having each other's back and end up becoming like a political party whereby each member only serves an instrumental purpose, which is to keep the party's integrity intact. Optics and self-satisfaction

If we were to end up becoming like 2, then I am afraid I would no longer be able to consider myself as your brother because I value my freedom to be myself to be more important than loyalty to a brotherhood whose values are conditional and communications sporadic. There would be no Value I can attach to our brotherhood. I hope I am being clear. I do not believe that the outcomes are only limited to the above 2 ways which are 2 opposing ends of the extreme. With your participation and our following changing dynamics, there will definitely be more nuanced ways the outcomes would be manifested. So to begin, maybe you all just feel free to respond to resolve the outstanding questions I have posed? This is a recurrent challenge for all 3 of us which we have to clarify and work through together. Otherwise, our friendships might not last.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #42 (12.03.2017)

Sunday 12th March - 10:54 p.m.

I moved back home after a little over a week in Northcote (from Friday the 3rd till now). And funnily enough, I spent most of this last week with Evan. I’m not even exaggerating when I say the only time I wasn’t with him was when I was with other people, or when I was at uni really. I saw him on Saturday the 4th in the afternoon. He came over, and we had sex for the first time. I think I wrote about that, but I can’t be entirely sure. This past week has just become a collection of really blissful memories, and precious conversations. We went to a party on Saturday night, yes I definitely wrote about this. Then I stayed over at his on Saturday night because of the spider. And then on Sunday morning I left, I went to see Jerica at Greensborough and then was right with Evan again from 3 p.m. onwards. That was also the day he went into the city and bought his portable speaker, a JBL Charge 3. We spent the rest of Sunday listening to each other’s music. He got into Acid Rap, which I was ecstatic about when he told me what he thought about it on Tuesday night when he came over again. He stayed Sunday night too, but left Monday morning before I left for uni. His friend Daniel wanted his help, bouncing ideas off of him and a bunch of his other friends. Daniel is a businessman, rather idealistic but well-intentioned, and perhaps even a revolutionary, from what Evan has told me. Tuesday night and Wednesday he was back here again. He left Wednesday afternoon, but late. He was back Thursday evening, and then left again Friday afternoon. He came back Friday night, around 11. I spent Friday evening with Rachael, but Friday morning Evan and I were in the city and we had a bit of a shopping day. Saturday was, however, a very lazy day. A truly lazy day for the both of us. Although we did do a bit of writing - I wrote a poem, about him...about us, actually - and we did leave the house at one point but only to get some dinner after realising that we actually wouldn’t have enough food for the day because we had ammi’s rice (that she packed me on Wednesday night because I went home on Wednesday night) for breakfast, for a nice change from porridge. Not that I was the one who needed a change from porridge, because the bag of oats I’d brought to Emily’s was pretty much used by me to replace a lot of meals. I didn’t eat super well, I mean when I was on my own. When I was with Evan, and Rachael and Jeri, I ate quite well. I was afraid that I ate almost too well, but I weighed myself today and I’m a little under 52 kilos. Which is where I’ve been for a while, so I’m happy with that. I went to the gym today too, after 11 days of having not gone. I realised this upon checking my session sheet. The only downside to living in Northcote is the fact that I tend not to work out during my stay. But I guess it doesn’t matter too much anyway because I don’t really eat during my time there, well not as much as I would at home. And uni also naturally takes a lot out of me, all the walking and thinking. I’ll be riding my bike to the station tomorrow morning for the first time in a while and I keep thinking about that. I wonder if my legs will be okay, I don’t know. Of course they will be, like I don’t doubt that at all. I guess I’m just making myself fret for no real reason.

I had a dream last night that really messed with me. It was bad enough that it made me wake up feeling totally anxious, but Evan was there too and so I felt rude and odd on top of already feeling anxious. But it’s hard not to feel good around him generally. And I felt a lot better after I just told him about the dream. What I remember started with him abandoning my on a train, well I say ‘abandon’ but I guess what actually happened was that he was being kind of short with me on a train and then one second he was there and the next he’d just disappeared. But because he was being short with me, I interpreted his disappearance as an abandonment. Anyway, I told him that and he immediately put on a funny voice and said ‘Dream Evan is sorry’ and I grinned and all was right once more. But the bulk of the dream was academic stress: another dream where I’m enrolled in a class I had no idea I was enrolled in and halfway through the semester I realise I’ve totally failed to attend any classes and hand in any assignments. Uni tends to mess with me as well. But I’m taking comfort in the fact that this is going to be my last full semester, because with my intensive over the winter break, semester two will only have three subjects. I can’t wait to see what that timetable will look like. I might even get three days off out of the week rather than just two. We shall see, we shall see.

I had a glass of wine tonight, just to write out the scene I needed to write out for Advanced Screenwriting tomorrow. Tomorrow is Labour Day but it’s famously not a university holiday, so I’ll be back at Parkville at noon for my Journalism lecture and I’ll be there till 5:45 p.m., lord. I just took a bit of a break to check the LMS and see what weekly tasks I have left to do for this upcoming week (week 3). I need to do the reflections for both Environmental Politics and Management, and Sustainable Development. That’s it, I think. Oh, I need to submit my first draft for my first article for Writing Journalism. And I still feel like I should do my Week 5 tutorial paper for Advanced Screenwriting (on Sound and Radio drama) ahead of time, just to be safe. Because I’ll be travelling to and from Northcote for most of this semester too, in fact Emily’s just called me back for next weekend. From the 19th to the 26th, or thereabouts. That might be nice, because Evan is seeing Adele on Sunday, I think. He’s been playing Adele incessantly for the past few days. It’s been kind of nice, but honestly I liked it a lot more when he played J. Cole and some Chance, upbeat stuff I guess. And stuff that I knew, too. He’s gotten into Chance.

I feel like the wine was supposed to focus me, because I’ve heard that a glass of red wine before or during some writing can really help clear your head and get your best ideas out. But I didn’t have a glass, I had a mug. And I fear that I might’ve had too much. I’m not drunk, but my head does feel a little heavier than usual. It’s nearly midnight too, and I feel like I should go to bed soon. I haven’t finished my wine yet though. Nor have I finished today’s pages, even though it’s under a quarter of an hour away from being Monday morning. It’s thirteen minutes away from being Monday morning, and I just got a new toothbrush from my mum. I asked her for one a couple of minutes ago. I threw my old one out before I moved out of the Northcote apartment, because I recently realised that I’d been using that toothbrush a full year now. I had it when I was living at Rachael’s so it’s actually been a full year. Ikaros’ pink toothbrush is still in my room. I feel like I should throw it out but I also feel like I should return it to him, because he liked it. He probably wouldn’t want it though, because of the memories? I don’t know. I want my books back from him too. He has Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets, and my Sherlock Holmes book too.

He went clubbing with Cameron this weekend. One Puf. I haven’t been there, but it’s Cameron’s kind of scene and I feel like it wouldn’t have been Ikaros’ kind of scene. Although Laundry wouldn’t have been Ikaros’ scene either and I was going to take him there before we called it quits. I’m sorry, I’m feeling really restless right now. My heart isn’t in these pages anymore. I think it was when I started writing, because I was writing about Evan and I. Maybe it’s no longer in it now because I started talking about Ikaros. Maybe I should stop talking about Ikaros then, and just let myself be happy in the now. I am quite happy in the now. Sometimes I think about what the future might be like with Evan, rather than with Ikaros. Because it’s been Ikaros in my head for the past two or so years, and the ideas we had for each other are hard to shirk. It is however, rendered easier by all the times I can recall where he started talking about HIS future and excluded me from his hypothetical fantasy entirely. He did a lot of things that hurt me, and made me insecure. He didn’t make me truly happy. He didn’t treat me like I meant all that much to him. Evan, on the other hand, essentially spent a solid week straight with me and is keen to do it again. He invited me over to his on Tuesday night, to stay over. He wants to cook for me Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, because I made all the meals whilst we were living in Northcote. He said he felt bad about that, but honestly I really liked cooking for him, and he did help a little bit. Ikaros tended to take the reigns with everything: with cooking, with plans, with sex. Evan likes me on top, which is also really working for me, like quite a lot. He likes to look at me, I think. He’s not at all dominant, he’s more an equalist when it comes to sex. He’s more interested in sharing that physical intimacy with me rather than dominating me, and it feels amazing. I feel so inelegant just saying ‘it feels amazing’ but it does. It’s intense. It actually feels so much more intense - and I feel so much more present because of that - because I feel like it’s just him and me in the moment, holding each other, feeling each other. I can’t help myself, I run my hands up and down him and tighten the grip that my legs have round his torso. He’ll pull me to him and he’ll look at me, like he won’t take his eyes away from mine and just the focus that he gives me alone is enough to send shivers through me. We work really well together, and in all the ways that I hoped we would too. Sometimes I still can’t believe that this is the same boy I danced with exactly two months ago now! It’s Monday the 13th now and I met him on Friday the 13th. That first night, I still remember it so well. He was so cute. And of course I was already feeling his arms through his cardigan, goodness. I still remember that. I still remember dancing with him and feeling so so happy, so alive. I just want to go back and read what I wrote about that night right now. I remember thinking at that time, when he danced over to me, that he was really playful and sweet. He’s proven me right about that over these past few months. And over this last week, he’s just gotten so much more cute and goofy with me. I just miss him so much right now, I want to just call him and fall asleep to the sound of his voice in my ear. But I will make do with Jasper Jones, and take comfort in the hopes that he’s reading Of Mice and Men right now and thinking of me, hoping that I’m reading Jasper Jones. I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. I really don’t think I would be. We’ve been so in sync so often now (and in such a small timespan too) that the coincidences are no longer surprising to me, more just lovely and welcome: further proof that this is cosmic. This is meant to be.

#evan #morning pages #42 #12.03.2017