#i know ive been inactive for a while but i couldn't miss this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hardwaresysx0 · 8 months

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massive vent underneath the cut. i dont know i just started typing and couldnt stop. you can read it if you want, but honestly, i recommend you dont.

i miss the days of when who was going to be in front was predictable. now we've gone through a few day period where there was a new person in front every day. it fucking sucks, especially because all of our old hosts are inactive, even the one that was frontstuck for 2 YEARS! and she WANTED to be! i havent seen her in weeks. one of them tends to front whenever his name is mentioned but even when he DOES pop into front, he always just goes "wow this is so boring. you live like this now?" and leaves. and i think its because the one sense of stability we had for a while is now just. bloop. gone. and the fact that it was our fault too really just adds the cherry on top of everything. speaking of that sense of stability, some people refuse to accept the fact that its even gone! so then we have to deal with delusions that are straight up UNREALISTIC, that we still have that support system when we don't really have anything outside of ourselves and pouring all of our thoughts into this damn website. every fucking day we wake up and think about those people who offered us comfort, it's almost become a routine! and last night before I went to bed I talked about it with a friend, and guess what. i had another fucking dream about them. about *him*. and it was REALISTIC too, it was him messaging us, checking in on us, and then leaving again. it reminds me of the first time something like this happened. and guess what! it was with HIM! IT WAS HIS FAULT! because we were immature and couldn't be expected to take responsibility and now WE suffer from the choices HE made! and instead of trying to figure out the real issue, he tells us hes tired of helping and boots us out, expecting us to move on? really? us? the ones who waited for so long, for you?! our mindset was that a month was nothing. it's somehow carrying over to this but only in the sense that "he'll come back", not in the sense that time goes by quicker even when he's not here.the past month has been the longest month ive had in the past.. i don't know. 3 years? especially with school. and before i had friends to talk to that could hold me over, people i could always turn to, but now those people are gone because of ME. because of US. fucking great. occasionally ill snap and stalk them on social media too! and be self aware during it! they have me blocked on tumblr (THANKFULLY), but there are some they either can't block me on, haven't blocked me on, or didn't even know i had an account there. it fucking sucks, it makes me feel so much worse and triggers a pretty massive relapse every single time (which is what happened 2 days ago) AND I JUST HAVE TO DEAL! we just have to deal with it! WE CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT EXCEPT FOR WAIT. and waiting does nothing, because all of our process gets RESET OVER AGAIN EVERY SINGLE TIME WE SO MUCH AS REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. i can't even tell whether or not i want them back in my life or not. i genuinely can't tell oh my fucking god UGH, and even if i decide that i do there's no fucking WAY it'll happen! because when i went back to them the first time i fucking exploded and they told me that they would never let me back it's like.... i reach a point of acceptance. i relapse. i decide that i'm better than them. i decide that they're better than me. i decide that i don't deserve them. i decide that i need them. i decide that i'll just pretend they're here. i decide and over. and over. i hate it. i just want to live. let me LIVE. LET ME LIVE! FOR FUCKS SAKE! I JUST WANT TO EXIST BUT MY LIFE HAS TO BE ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LEFT ME AND RENOUNCE ME AND NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN! BECAUSE WHY? BECAUSE WHO FUCKING KNOWS! BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM, BECAUSE WE NEED SOME SEMBLANCE OF STABILITY WHEN THE REAL FUCKING STABILITY CAN'T BE FOUND FROM OBSESSING OVER THEM! OH MY FUCKING GOD. i just want our lives to be about us. to live for ourselves. for no one else. and when that's possible, we just make up someone to have our life be for. i fucking hate it. please let me live. let us live *clears throat* anyways how is yalls thursday going

#vent cw #i needed to vent so bad honestly i havent in a while besides some minor ones

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