#i recently motivated someone to start posting their art on IG and i hope for only good things for them!

[fallingfromdepression]

10/14/20: something i wish i could post on my personal IG but never will

back in april of 2019, i watched spiderverse for the first (and so far only) time. it was also the first time since middle school i considered seriously a career in animation, in character-focused stories. i admittedly have not consumed as much western animation as i should have before making this next claim, but spiderverse was one of the first western animations i had seen which felt similar to the animes i watched that i felt pushed the boundaries of the medium (namely, mob psycho 100); growing up, i had seriously (but maybe not as seriously as some of my peers who did go on to schools specializing in the arts) considered growing up to be a manga/anime artist, but manga/anime as a career had always felt distant since it was based in japan, an entirely separate country and far away from me (yes i was aware western comics and animation were a thing but i didn’t care about /their/ aesthetics at the time even though in retrospect some of them do have very dope styles and animation). spiderverse was one of the first times that i felt maybe the style i grew up consuming and wanting to create myself was possible in the west where i lived, accessible to me and not unreachable in a faraway land (theoretically. it is only a plane-ride away and manga/anime very much do influence current western media/animation).

the rekindling of my interest in art as a career also came at a time when i was entering grad school for an industry i was not really sure i actually wanted to pursue (public policy). i had already had doubts about even going to grad school for this from the beginning of deciding to apply for the program, but as i had done no job searching or had any job offers waiting post-graduation, grad school seemed to make the most sense (as other people told me. and honestly i believed too as someone who had gone through college and yet never found my “passion”). i hoped that i would somehow fall in love with public policy, or at least learn to like it enough to drive me through the next 2 years. back in april, i had just recently either submitted my application to grad school or had just received my acceptance offer (i don’t remember which), so this rekindling did not come at a great time since i had to start priming my mind for a policy career rather than an art career. i’m writing this as me who is currently in my 2nd year of the public policy program, and i’m sorry to say to my past self that i still haven’t fallen in love with public policy as i had hoped (in fact, i had imagined being able to drop out of the program but it could only be in my imagination as it was ridiculous to quit after only 1 quarter in grad school. and a potential waste of time and money despite literally my microeconomics professor in that first quarter saying ‘if, theoretically, someone here were to regret coming to grad school for public policy ... it’s better to quit now rather than slug through the next 2 yrs in a program you don’t like’). in the past year, i have continued to struggle with the idea of pursuing art as a career... and with my own art.

this latter is a completely new struggle, as i have enjoyed drawing for, the most part, my entire life. while i did try to wean myself off of this interest in high school in preparation for my (assumed) future career as a medical doctor, i still went back to it at the end of high school/beginning of college and have been drawing on and off ever since. it really is just a hobby, as i do it in my free time and i don’t make money off of it. however in the last year, i have really struggled with keeping my art as just a hobby, especially with my desire/dream to do art as a career. despite my excitement in april 2019, i don’t believe i can ever make it in the art industry and this is a belief i’ve had since high school: i don’t have much creativity or unique new ideas to bring to the table (most of my current creative endeavors usually include fanart or being inspired by memes/someone else’s work that my own work is then based off of) and i don’t have the drive that i feel like i’ve seen from actual art professionals. depression and mental health issues that influence this drive aside, the reason i never pursued art seriously back in high school was because i didn’t think i had the ability. the people i know who did end up going to school for art had styles different from mine -- admittedly leaning on the photorealistic side, which now i consider a separate style from manga/anime and both are just as valid as art. but back then i didn’t think of it like that -- and they were thinking about art and creating almost all the time. (admittedly again, they did have more art classes in their schedules but i had my hands full trying to keep my grades and motivation up for science and math classes. obviously other things were at play here from that very sentence alone, but moving on.) all in all, i don’t think i have what it takes even though admittedly the drive i keep mentioning is kind of something i need in /all/ industries, regardless of whatever i’m producing for it... so time and time again i keep coming back to square one. i want to pursue a career but also i don’t/can’t. but well, you don’t have to go to art school; i’ve seen people online who manage to side-gig or get by by just posting online while doing other things academically/professionally full-time.

but in a recent attempt to do a month-long drawing challenge, i realized ... i don’t know what i want to do with my art. my frustration with my art during that challenge (which i only ended up doing a full week of before i stopped) coupled with me reading write-ups of artists talking about their inspirations to create made me ask myself ... what am i drawing for? what do i want to ultimately create? at this current point in time i’ve realized those reasons again, but during that challenge i thought that i didn’t have any reasons. i was just drawing just to draw... which is fine as a hobbyist but as a professional who is creating character-driven/focused stories? now, i said i’ve realized those reasons again, and they revolve around me wanting to create stories about mental health, stories with representation. except for the former i have never successfully drawn anything pertaining to my own mental health story bc i find it impossible to put down tangibly, and the latter i feel like i don’t feel as strongly about it as some other artists i follow (namely a specific artist who had talked about how important it was for them as a malaysian singaporean to represent muslim malaysian culture well. and you could tell through their writing how strongly they felt about it. it’s a level that i am not at admittedly with my own representation goals). and not having a strong sense of direction with my art is the same problem i have with public policy, in which i don’t know what exactly i want to do with it. i have a concept, ideas of what to do but i have no idea what it actually looks like in practice to execute. as someone who is most comfortable coming up with ways to execute other people’s ideas and not coming up with and executing my own, trying to figure out my own life trajectory for myself with a limited time frame (i’m in my 2nd year of grad school for christ’s sake) is a Feat to say the least.

in spiderverse, in the mangas i used to read and still do today, characters with problems like me get to see them solved linearly and with good endings. they struggle to get to that ending though, and so i should expect to struggle too. but as someone who has not maintained friendships through any period of my life (separate can of worms to open) nor has any concrete idea/desire for what i want to do in the future ... i’m already missing 2 major factors that the fictional characters i read about usually have to help guide them. i’m still struggling with this desire to pursue art as a career as i currently take classes on public policy, and with my motivation to draw. i’m struggling to draw now because i feel that there is no future in my art, that even if i keep it as a hobby it isn’t worth it. i get it, you don’t have to monetize your hobbies, and if it’s just a hobby you can go at it at your own pace and not compare to others. but being on social media more recently and looking at more art has been really damaging lately, even if i keep reminding myself that these artists are good because they’re either 1. younger and have more time to draw and churn out art to practice more or 2. have literal careers in art and have studied art and drawn repeatedly for essentially years ... it still hurts to see art and realize how much work you have to do yourself to get to that level. this fear of that amount of work is almost an entirely different issue than just a struggle on whether or not to pursue art professionally though... 

recently, in a fit of frustration, i considered just not drawing ever again and to try to forget about art and attempt to more seriously pursue public policy. but the idea of just not drawing ever again literally brought tears to my eyes, and i feel it’s because drawing has been a part of my life for so long (it was essentially my identity in middle school, and maybe that’s why i have such a complex with art) that i don’t know what i would do if i gave it up. drawing and my confidence in my ability to draw has been there for me through decades now, and i still like being able to visually depict others’ and my ideas. but sometimes i look at my art and i’m like ‘wow i’ve improved a lot since back then’ but sometimes i look at my art and think of everything i’m lacking compared to what i want my art to be like.

#ok i had a plan when i started writing but then it devolved into stream of consciousness #bc i thought of this when i was washing dishes just now but i hadn't thought past the first 2 paragraphs #but i legit just spent almost an hour writing this out and honestly it feels kind of nice to just get out these thoughts some of which i've #been thinking about for almost 2 yrs now #diary #ending is kind of abrupt bc i frankly don't have anything else to say #there's no good ending bc i'm still struggling through this life story