#i remember it all so vividly.... the beach the dogs my mother reading gossip magazines me consuming worlds awfulest wwii novels...

[allerod]

30 aka my own question, what's the absolute fucking worst "historical" movie series book whatever you've ever evered?

right, so they're not officially a couple, but i read them one after the other in a span of like three days, and they're both the same genre of alternative history so here are the worst two historical books i ever had the (dis)pleasure of reading:

the premise of the first one was simply "what if piłsudski haven't had cancer". and boy is the answer to that a doozy, according to the author! because, you see, if piłsudski had lived longer, he and hitler would meet up. and hitler would be so impressed by his mustache and strong belief in military supported dictatorships, he would fall in love instantly. and attacking your crush country is not a good flirting technique, so instead germany and poland would become allies in wwii. piłsudski would die nevertheless, and at this point hitler would start dating a polish girlie who reminded him of his, now dead, One True Love (piłsudski). they would be going on creepy dates and had creepy sex and all that, all while the war is going Great! woo! with the combined power of german-polish scientists, now not in camps, they could really invent a fully functional wunderwaffe, and a showing of it's power is scheduled. but sike! the girlie is working with the polish gov! using her position, she schemes with polish scientists! they change the weapon coordinates! the whole upper nazi management goes boom! poland takes control of german army and singlehandedly wins world war ii! hurray we're winner! but wait! the girlie was pregnant and now she's sad and she names her son adolf and writes down her memories of all the creepy dates she went on with her, now dead, One True Love (hitler). which her son finds after her death and sends to the publisher and that's this book apparently.

what a drag. the middle part was truly uncomfy. like bro why am i reading about hitler having sex. repeatedly. i can't recall the title of this, which is truly a tragedy, but whatever, it's over, let's read something else. oh what's this? a book named "the embaSSy"? well might as well, maybe this one will be better.

wait why is this set in modern day warsaw? ohh i see, this building we are moving into used to be a german embassy, okay. uh oh besties, these are the doors to a neighboring flat, ours is a floor above. huh, why is this flat full of nazi cosplayers. well, whatever, i need to pee i'm just gonna go to the toil- WHY IS HITLER SITTING ON THIS TOILET SINGING A SILLY SONG AND DOING FINGER GUNS. well whatever, we're returning to our own flat and we are taking hitler with us. who, upon getting to know him better, turns out to be a really swell guy. also turns out he knows nothing about any planned attack, he just wants to chill really, what do you mean world war. ooh could it be that this EVIL CLONE of him plans to take over ?! we gotta stop him, so back to the other flat we go! but first lets leave hitler here and give him a shave. okay now we can go. time for some wacky shenanigans! we get rid of the EVIL CLONE, but uh oh, there's a planning bombing of warsaw incoming in retaliation of killing hitler. and we shaved our bestie the real hitler, so no one will recognize him ; ; fortunately everyone knows his voice, so we just have to get him on a really high roof and give him a radio and he can communicate with the pilots to turn back and cancel the bombing. as soon as we find him in modern day warsaw because it seems he broke out of his enclosure..... time running out but we do it, the planes turn at the last moment, gg ez, we say a tearful goodbye to our new best friend and return home. if you disregard the noisy neighbors, this is quite a nice flat, right? and the view is beautiful, straight onto the palace of culture and science! wait where has the palace gone?

was:

is:

i cannot overstate how incredibly cringe that book was. i have never in my life read anything more cringworthy and i am not exaggerating. it's apparently based on a comedy movie by the same title, and every day i live in fear that i'll be forced to watch it and die instantly from the amount of terrible jokes presented to me.

but reading these two back to back was truly an Experience. i like to think they're taking part in the same universe, and stalin's penis was amputated in that timeline because we actually won wwii. thank you girlie for your service 🙏

#what a long ass post if you got to here congrats #i read these on holidays after finishing highschool and before starting uni and i really think they changed something in me #i remember it all so vividly.... the beach the dogs my mother reading gossip magazines me consuming worlds awfulest wwii novels...