#i reslly genuinely couldnt tell you

[a-sirius-mess]

i’m so tired.

#not to vent on main but im gonna vent uh #yeah so a week ago i was fine i was okay sure i was bored snd ibwas tired of not being sble to see anyone or lesve my house but i was olay #i dont know if i was genuinely okay and didnt have sny probems or i had just pressed all my shit down so deep that i didnt even notice it #i couldnt tell you #i reslly genuinely couldnt tell you #flash forward into this week: hi im fsllung apart #and before we get into the heavy shit i judt wsnt to comment on the fact that i am well aware that many othes are in much worse situations #much worse than my own without a doubt #and if you dont want to resd thus you dont have to i just need to get it out of my head #i cant fucking focus on anything #the idea of school makes me upset #let alone actually going #im so tired of being around my faly not even because im tired of them i just NEED something or someone different #i fall into the sale fucking routine everyday nothing changes and i can only keep myself occupied with something for so long #ive started spoutung things at dinner that i would never in a million years let my parents know because im terrified of how theyll respond #ya know tonight i made a joke at the table about how ive hardwired my brain to ingore google classroom notifications #my mom immediately went silent #when me and my sister were done laughing at each other she went over my dad and daif they should start coming into our bedrooms #and making us do our work and that they should be prepared for both their children to fail out of school #see i was joking #she wasnt #and i havent even gotten started on how fucked my head has been #right before isolation started i was gonna talk to my school health center snf my parents sbout how i think i hsve adhd #now im scared out of my mind about telling them #i comvince myself daily then im just stressed or im faking it but i notice it more and mote everyday and im too scared to tell my parents #my mom wants to give away my dog because i dont take good care of her #my sister either makes me laugh or makes me so self concious i dont leave my room #i hevent let myself think sbout my gender because i have no clue what will happen if i fo #i feel like i dont have a name anymore and being called samantha by all my teachers is Not Helping. #i miss my friends. im so tired.