#i say easier bc c'mon ofc we're gonna keep being stupid i'm dumb as all hell but like in terms of emotional maturity. better abt it

[hua-fei-hua]

but like, isn’t it?

isn’t it scary to fall in love?

why aren’t we allowed to control our feelings like that? or am i just too young? can you control with whom you fall in love?

isn’t it scary to lose control?

what do you do with all those feelings building inside? pack them away, shove them down, feel them to the end?

because i never asked to have them. not like this. not with such intensity. not for you.

why, why, why are they there; why, why, why can’t i do anything to quell them? why, why, why?

there’s so much we can’t control, but why, why, why couldn’t this have been one of the things we could?

#STILL THINKING ABT THE AUTONOMY OF FALLING IN LOVE I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY DEVELOPED FEELINGS FOR ANYONE #i'd be blogging abt that on main probably? i think? god i actually haven't had a crush since before i had tumblr #i think the fake dating escapades were blogged about here but that's because it's fake DATING! ofc you talk abt that on fandom blog!!! #but anyway now the question is like. do i really want to fall in love? i think i do. i think it would be nice #but i've always cursed my... choices? in guys bc they usually end up being assholes #idk that might also just be a function of being a kid. i presume it's easier to find a reasonably mature guy in college #i say easier bc c'mon ofc we're gonna keep being stupid i'm dumb as all hell but like in terms of emotional maturity. better abt it #looking at love from this perspective is so weird like. i don't want to say i'm disgusted by this image of love #but i'm kind of disgusted by it more specifically the lack of control. it's like you no longer own yourself #is this why they say your heart belongs to another? #why DO we always treat falling in love as this universally beautiful thing? as something inevitable? #because it makes us feel good? like not all the time!!! why is it always 'the heart wants what the heart wants' #and never... well. i don't think i have the words to describe the opposite yet. i don't even know where to begin #花話 #i'm going mad