#i think i got the idea of the charred tips of jays hair from some fanart

[onechicago-upsteadrhekker]

@chilly7188 requested #82 from the prompt list, “what keeps you up at night?” for upstead! I hope you like it! I’m having a lot of fun with these!

Summery: Sometimes you’re reminded of your nightmares even in the daytime, when you least expect it and Jay knows that more than anyone. He knows he’d never survive if it wasn’t for Hailey.

*title taken from ‘Pluto’ by Sleeping at Last*

show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins

This morning when Jay woke up, he did not anticipate what the day would bring. He had gone about his usual routine of going for a run, getting in a brief workout and then cooling down with a nice quick shower all before the sun came up.

He was dressed and had coffee made by 6:10, waiting on Hailey to stumble out of their bedroom just after 6:20 when her alarm went off. He greeted her with a kiss like he did every morning and she drank her cup of coffee asking about his run and if he slept okay.

She always did this; sometimes she asked him point blank if he’d had any nightmares and sometimes she just asked how he’d slept and sometimes she didn’t need to ask him at all because she had held him during the night after he’d accidentally woken her up during the throws of reliving his darkest moments.

He knew she was just looking out for his best interests like she’d always done so he would answer as truthfully as he could and she would smile at him like she was pleased and proud and that would make him feel proud too.

She kissed him again as she set her mug in the sink, heading towards the door to go on her own short run to be back in time to get a shower so they could be at work just before 8.

Trudy was there to great them as always as they bounded up the stairs, typing in the password they knew frontwards and backwards before pulling open the gate to continue up the stairs and into the bullpen. Most every one was there; Voight was holed away in his office like usual and Jay always wondered if he’d ever even went home in the first place. Hailey greeted Vanessa and Kim with a brief hug and a quick tease, saying ‘good morning’ to Kevin with a smile. Jay inquired where Adam was just as he came running up the stairs with a lame excuse that he got stuck in traffic but they all knew it was because he slept through his alarm clock again.

They all settled down at their desks, catching up on various paperwork, a light conversation bouncing between him and Jay couldn’t help but think how good his life was right now; he had a job he loved, great friends he worked with and the best fiance who he didn’t deserve.

That should have tipped him off that things were about to go to hell.

“Do you know who I am?”

Jay ignored the question, his eyes quickly scanning the room, resting on the little girl laid out on the floor. Her eyes were closed and her skin was pale.

A slap. “Answer me!”

“Let the little girl go!” Jay looked at the crazed man, his eyes blazing with fury.

“No! Not until you answer my question!” Jay watched as the man brandished his gun and he wondered if he could make a dive for his own gun that had been slid across the room after he had been lured into this trap without getting the little girl or himself killed. He wasn’t even sure if she was still breathing; she was so quiet and still.

Jay knew he needed to play this man’s game to buy him some time. To buy the team some time. To give him time to formulate a plan without the little girl getting shot even if that meant he got shot but he preferred an option where they both avoided getting shot.

But the truth was, Jay had no idea who this guy was or why he seemed to think Jay would know who he was. He was bulky and his hair was graying at the temples so Jay guessed he was in his mid-to-late forty’s but what concerned him most was the half-crazed look in the man’s eyes; desperation, anger and fear all mixed together and Jay had been in enough situations to know that this could go really bad really fast. He knew he had to be extremely careful with what he said and how he moved in order to preserve both his and the little girl’s lives.

“Okay, okay,” Jay spoke calmly his hands still raised, “I don’t recognize you. Do I know you?”

The man laughed to himself, walking around in circles still waving the gun around in his hand and Jay very carefully inched to the right, his eyes never leaving the gun. The man suddenly turned, the gun whipping back to be trained on him, “What do you think you’re doing? You aren’t getting out of here! Not until you know! Not until you pay for what you did!”

Jay froze, his hands still raised, “Okay, okay, I’m not gonna do anything but I don’t understand. What have I done? Can you explain it to me?”

The man laughed again and it sounded more desperate, more maniacal and Jay knew this was starting to get out of hand.

The man almost sobbed, keeping the gun trained on him, “Explain it to you? Explain it to you! I’ll tell you what you did! You killed my little girl and my wife,” The man’s face was beat red as he screamed, “You killed my whole family!”

Jay’s eyebrows furrowed. He had no idea what the hell this guy was talking about but he knew he needed to cooperate to get that little girl out of there so he wracked his brain, trying to remember the guys face.

“You really don’t know, do you? How could you forget what you did! All those lives you’re responsible for! If you hadn’t tried to play hero, that bomb would have never gone off and my family would still be here!” The man’s eyes were bloodshot and he still had the gun trained on him.

Jay felt like he’d been punched in the gut at the man’s words. Of course. Now he understood, now he got it. Of course he hadn’t forgotten one of worst days of his life. A day that he would never forget and would always weigh heavily on his conscious.

He should have figured it out sooner.

“You’re family was in that church, weren’t they? And they didn’t make it,” Jay watched as tears streamed down the man’s face.

Jay snuck a glance at the little girl to his left and she seemed paler than before if that was even possible, “I get why you want me but what has that little girl done? She has nothing to do with this! You need to let her go! This is between you and me!”

The man shook his head, “No. You see, that’s how I knew you would be the one down here. I knew that you wouldn’t be able to resist. Detective Jay Halstead! The great and mighty hero! But guess what? You aren’t going to get to save her either, just how you didn’t save my wife and daughter. You aren’t a hero!” The man’s eyes blazed in fury, “You’re a killer! It’s all your fault!”

Jay’s heart felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. The man’s words cutting deep because it was his fault. He knew that. It was all true. If he hadn’t rushed into that church that day to try and save those people, that bomb wouldn’t have gone off and those people would still be alive.

But that didn’t mean that little girl should die because of his mistakes.

“Okay,” Jay tried to reason, “But I’m down here now. You can let her go.”

The man didn’t seem to hear him, he was mumbling to himself and Jay caught a flash of movement behind the row of shelves that held garden tools. Hailey’s worried eyes met his through a crack in the shelves. A look was shared and Jay understood. They never needed words to communicate.

“Let the little girl go,” Jay tried again, getting the man’s focus back on him.

“No! She’s not going anywhere!” The man heaved.

He stared at Jay, his eye twitching before he suddenly smiled. Calmly, serenely, pleasantly; so different to his previous behavior it was unsettling.

“What keeps you up at night?” Soft and genuine and Jay’s breath caught in his throat.

The man walked towards him, “Is it the sound of the bomb going off? The screams of the dying? The charred faces of the ones you killed?”

He cocked his head, “Maybe it’s the fact that you know you’re responsible. Their ghosts haunting you! The fact that you know deep down that it’s your fault they’re all dead. And now your going to have another little girl, another child on your conscious all because you couldn’t save her. You couldn’t save any of them, could you?”

He raised the gun from his heart to his head, “And now you’re going to join them. You deserve to die and rot in hell for what you did and that’s exactly where I’m going to put you.”

There was a shot. 

Jay barely took the time to draw in a deep breath before he was across the room and feeling for the little girl’s pulse.

He could feel Hailey watching him worriedly as she cuffed the guy she’d shot in the shoulder but he didn’t acknowledge her, reaching for his radio to call for an ambulance as he cradled the little girl.

The next few hours were a blur. Full of sirens and adrenaline highs. He watched the doctors work on the little girl and saw her frantic parents rushing through the hospital doors. He drove back to the district, filled out his reports and IPR, going through the motions of tying up a case and Hailey was right by his side. Her eyes had never once left him since they emerged from the basement. He could feel her watching him carefully, not saying anything. She was just there like always.

Until it was finally time to go home, Voight giving him a look saying he had done a good job and a rare pat on the shoulder as he shared a look with Hailey. He let her drive the truck home, neither of them saying anything and he knew she was giving him some time to breathe before she made him talk about it because there was no way she was going to let him not talk about it. Not after a case like this. Not after what happened a few months ago.

As soon as they got into the apartment, Hailey padded over to the kitchen to set out a couple of glasses and his favorite whiskey. She knew him well. Beer wouldn’t cut it tonight. He watched as she poured them some, climbing up on the bar stool and setting his glass in front of the one beside her and he knew she was waiting on him to come sit beside her. He took a breath, reaching for the glass to take a sip as he slid onto the bar stool. They sat there in a comfortable silence.

“Jay,” Her voice was soft and comforting and he never wanted her to stop saying his name like that. He could feel her head turn to look at him fully and she waited until he turned to meet her eyes.

They were compassionate but full of conviction, “Jay,” She said his name again, firmer this time, “This was not your fault. Not today and not the day of the bombing.”

“Hailey-” He could feel tears spring into his eyes, the guy’s words from earlier still bouncing around his head.

This is your fault. You killed those women and children. You need to pay for what you did.

Hailey gave a sharp shake of her head, “No, I don’t care what that guy said or what anyone says! It’s not true, they’re wrong.”

Jay swallowed, looking into his drink, “But he’s right. If I hadn’t went in that church that day, I wouldn’t have set off that bomb and those people wouldn’t be dead. And then that little girl almost died today because of my actions,” He shook his head in disgust, “It is my fault. Maybe I do have a hero complex.”

“Jay,” It was breathed this time and he felt her hand slide up his chest and rest over his heart, “You were doing your job. You didn’t know that there was a bomb and you didn’t know that it was motion censored and you didn’t know that you would trigger it. And today, you saved that little girl Jay because you went in.”

“But she wouldn’t have even been in that situation if I hadn’t of screwed up at the church!”

“Look at me,” Her hands gently cupped his cheeks, turning his head to look at her, “We’ve been over this Jay. Those deaths that day are not on you. They are on the terrorist who set that bomb in the first place. And today is not on you either. Everything worked out because of you and that’s what you need to focus on, okay?”

He knew that logic said she was right but that didn’t negate the fact that deep down, in his heart he felt like he was at fault and he knew that he would always blame himself for that day. Just like he blamed himself for all the other cases he’d been involved with that didn’t turn out so well. Just like he blamed himself for the deaths of his friends he lost overseas.

He’d been pushing all of his guilt over the church bombing to the back of his mind. He’d even been sleeping fairly peacefully through the night but today brought back all of the feelings he’d felt after the bombing as fresh as the day it had happened and with it all of the memories of his past mistakes.

“Oh Jay,” It was her voice and the look in her eyes that broke him. He knew she felt his pain, that she shouldered his burden and that she had since day one. He could see the love and the pain and the comfort  in her eyes telling him that he was safe. That she was there for him no matter what and he knew he could take his guard down around her.

So he cried. And she gathered him in her arms as they slid to the kitchen floor and rocked him like she would a child, peppering kisses on his forehead and smoothing his hair back, whispering to him.

She told him she loved him. She told him she would always be there for him no matter what. She whispered about how proud she was of him, that his past didn’t define him and that it wasn’t his fault. She murmured that he was brave and how he had the biggest heart of anyone she knew, about how much she loved his big heart and that it was okay to burden her. She whispered that she would never change anything about him but she wished he didn’t blame himself for things that weren’t his fault because she hated seeing him hurt like this. 

And then she told him that she understood, that it was something she would never let him bear alone, that she would never leave him no matter what because she loved him. All of him.

Her heartbeat and comforting arms slowly calmed him down to where he was only sniffling. A few years ago, he would have beat himself up if he’d ever lost control of himself like that in front of her but as he sat there on their kitchen floor with his head on her chest he found that he wasn’t ashamed. He craved the safety of her heart and mind and body. His best friend, his most trusted confidant, his biggest supporter and his greatest love.

He honestly didn’t know how he had ever survived without her.

Jay lifted his head, sitting up beside her. She offered him a comforting smile, reaching out to swipe under his eyes as he rubbed his face, “Feel better?”

He gave her his own small smile, taking her hand to kiss it, “Yeah, yeah I do.”

Her own eyes were teary and that small pang of self-doubt hit him. He hesitated.

She noticed. Of course she did. She knew him better than he knew himself. 

Her eyebrows furrowed, “What is it Jay?”

“I don’t deserve you Hailey. I’m so broken, you shouldn’t have to deal with all of this,” He looked up at her through shameful eyes, “How could you ever love a mess like me?”

“Jay Halstead,” She was in front of him in an instant, gripping his bent knees firmly and he forced himself to look into her fierce gaze, “Don’t ever say that. I love you with all of my heart and your so called brokenness, that’s what makes you you.”

She softened her voice, “That’s what makes you the person I fell in love with. The person I am in love with,” He followed her gaze to the ring that rested on her left hand, “The person I wanna marry. I wanna spend life with you Jay. Baggage and all.”

“This ring says I’m in it for long-haul. That I deserve you. And don’t you ever doubt that.”

Jay would go through a hundred wars, fight through a thousand shootouts just to see her looking at him like that and to hear her tell him that. He drew her forward, kissing her ring-the promise of their future before capturing her lips with his. 

“I love you Hailey,” He whispered against her lips, rubbing his thumb over her engagement ring, “You’ll never know how much.”

“I love you too,” She leaned back, gazing at him with all the love she felt in her heart.

She pecked his quickly on the cheek before clamoring out of his lap, checking the time on the stove. 1:00 am.

Hailey extended her hand for Jay to grab and she pulled him up. He loosely laced his hands together behind Hailey’s back, resting them on the curve of her butt as he gently held her, leaning down to kiss her again.

She smiled at him, tilting her head in the direction of their bedroom, “We’ve had a long day. Let’s go to bed.”

What keeps you up at night?

The question from earlier popped back into his mind, “Hailey... I’m not going to able to sleep tonight and even if I do, my nightmares...”

“I know Jay,” She cupped his jaw and looked into his eyes, whispering, “I’ll help you chase them away.”

He looked at her and she looked back and he knew in his heart of hearts that no matter what, she would always be by his side to scare his demons away.

#Chicago PD #jay halstead #hailey upton #jay halstead x hailey upton #upstead #prompt

[pocketfulofrogers]

Be Brave

Pairing: Adam Ruzek x Reader Jay Halstead x Sister!Reader

Request: If you’re not busy can you do a Adam Ruzek from Chicago PD request where the reader is Jay’s civilian sister and she has to go undercover with Adam as her date to her high school reunion (which she didn’t plan to attend) because someone is targeting girls in her high school class which causes their feelings to come out after months of flirting?

Summary: Jay is a badass detective and Will is a badass doctor. Why would the youngest Halstead be any different? 

Notes: When I say this one got away from me, I mean it. Just shy of 4.3k words and I have no idea how that happened. Hope you like! Requests open!

The first memory Jay has of you is a fuzzy one. You’re young with pigtails and shoes too big for your little feet. The sun was high, concrete hot, and there’s a small breeze bringing in the smell of charred hot dogs from one of the neighbor’s houses. Your tiny hand is in his, sticky with dried ice cream.

You catch sight of a butterfly and chase after it, but the toe of your shoe catches the curb and you go down. Hard. When he sees the blood running lines down your shin, the tears flooding your waterline, he picks you up, cradles you to him, and carries you home.

He sets you down on the edge of the bathtub and wipes your tears. “Be brave.” He tells you.

Will wanders in with curious eyes and jumps up on the counter. Jay begins to rummage in the cupboard while Will reaches to the shelf above him to lay out a band-aid. Jay wets a wash rag and begins to clean you up as best he can. You hiss when he reaches broken skin.

He looks up at you and his heart tugs at the sight of your face contorted in pain, the silent tears coating your rosy cheeks. He wonders if he should stop, let the softer touch of your mother handle it.

You close your eyes and scrunch your nose. “Be brave.” You whisper to yourself.

Jay finishes quickly, places the bandage, kisses it lightly, and taps your nose to make you giggle. You thank him, he tells you that’s what big brothers do.

He’s spent his whole life looking after you, so when you show up at his apartment trying to convince him that two murders from your childhood neighborhood are connected, he’s clearly not thrilled in the slightest.

“Y/N, homicide is on it.” He tells you again.

“Intelligence should be on it.” You tell him again. “Lizzy had two kids, Jay.” He does his best not to look at you, knows as soon as he does, he’ll cave. “Jay.”

He turns and sees you with your wide eyes, eyebrows drawn upward, arms crossed, hip cocked. That’s his first mistake

“I’ll bring it to Voight, but you have to stay away from this. It could be a coincidence, but if it’s not, you could be a target.”

“Alright, fine.”

His second mistake was believing you.

When Jay reports that Hank agreed to lift the case from homicide, your first stop is none other than Adam Ruzek. A good man who’s skin you enjoyed getting under. He’d always tell you, “you’re Jay’s sister, we can’t blah blah blah”. You respected that, even thought it was slightly honorable. Didn’t mean you’d stop having your fun.

He opens the door in a tank top and jeans, hair still wet from a shower. You watch droplets chase each other down his skin and you find yourself frozen. Did you have the perfect witty remark before you saw him? Sure did. Did you now? Absolutely not.

“How can I help you?” He prompts, looking more confused than anything else.

You recover quickly, stretch your lips into a cheeky grin and look him up and down. “Oh, I think you know exactly what I want.”

He rolls his eyes. “Y/N- “

“Relax Ruz, I want information on your case, not to see your dick.” You say as you walk in and turn back to smirk at him.

Funny enough, the only thing he wanted was to kiss that smirk right off your lips, take you to his bed and rip your clothes off.

“We’ve been instructed not to say anything to you.” He shrugs. You groan and throw your head back in frustration, not so quietly cursing Jay’s ‘big brother’ complex. “However, if I were to leave the room and you were to read the file on the counter next to the microwave, well, I guess there’s nothing I could do about that.” He winks at you before he leaves the room.

“You’re the best.” You sing-song after him.

You pour over the files. Names, bank statements, recent communications. Out of three scenes there was only one eye witness and he was questionable at best. How was that possible? This definitely wasn’t done by a pro, the medical examiner’s report had detailed gruesome, messy deaths. Emotional and frantic.

Adam finds you on his living room floor, papers sprawled before you. You have the end of one of his pens tucked between your lips and he can’t say he’ll be mad at the teeth marks you’re likely leaving.

You’re so completely engrossed, you don’t hear his soft chuckle from behind you or even notice the scent of coffee and vanilla in the air. You only notice him when he clears his throat from above you and hands you a warm mug.

“Oh sorry.” You wince. “I suppose I’ve been here a little too long.”

He waves you off. “What are you writing down?”

“Anything that sticks out to me really. I’m sure it’s not anything you haven’t already come up with, but I just know there’s a connection between them.” You frown at the mess in front of you.

“Well, you did graduate with them, right?” He asks. You nod. “Was there maybe a person or a class they had in common?”

You scrunch your nose and begin to gnaw on your bottom lip. “I don’t know.” You whisper.

It was right there; you swore it was. It sat heavy on the tip of your tongue ready to fall at any moment, but nothing you’d just seen had jogged a memory.

You hover your fingers over the pages. “I thought files like these usually had pictures of the scenes, the… bodies.”

“I didn’t think you needed to see that.” He says softly. “Hey.” He tries to catch your attention. “You’re not going to solve this in one sitting, Nancy Drew.” You roll your eyes and he shrugs. “At least you’ll have something to talk about at your reunion.” You look to him with furrowed brows. “Your… high school reunion?”

You had forgotten. Whether that was on accident or on purpose is unknown. “Oh, yeah, no. Definitely not going to that.” You laugh. He questions you with a head tilt. “It’s just not really my scene, Ruz.” You say simply. “I’m supposed to be meeting Will and Jay for lunch, I should go. Thank you for- uh- you know.”

“Breaking a few laws to please you?” He chuckles.  

You smile softly at him and he walks you to the door, but you pause just over the threshold. “If Jay asks if you’ve seen me you say…?” You prompt.

“There’s a third Halstead?” He places a hand over his chest, feigns a shocked expression. Your laugh echoes through his chest and he marvels at the sound. Crisp and light, the perfect breath of fresh air.

Adam feeds you information over the next few days, but informs you he won’t tell you anything truly important. “Last thing I need is Jay blaming me for you getting yourself in trouble.” He’d say. “No, being detective adjacent does not make you an almost detective.”

**

You’re perched on Adam’s desk, leaned forward to offer him his choice of sugar-coated pastries. He takes one gratefully and sinks his teeth in. Powdered sugar coats the corner of his mouth and you have to stop yourself from reaching out to wipe it, preferably with your tongue.

You shut that thought down quickly.

Jay walks in, catches sight of you and you know he sees red. He’s almost as mad as that time you put bleach in his conditioner. You roll your eyes at Adam and he coughs to hide his laugh. You jump off his desk, plaster the sweetest smile of innocence you can muster, and hold the box of treats out to him.

“I got your- “

“I thought I told you to stay away from this.” He cuts you off.

“Did you? I thought that was more of a suggestion.”

He pulls you into a hallway by your arm, rough enough to catch you off guard. His eyes stare daggers at you and you watch as he balls his fists tight enough to turn his knuckles white. He’s afraid. You’ve never seen him afraid before.

“This isn’t a game or like one of your crime shows, Y/N. This is serious. We’ve already found two more girls from your class.”

But you already knew that.

“Jesus, Jay, I’m not a child.” You spit. “I know exactly how dangerous this job can be. How many times have I sat by your beside at Med? How many times have you called me and said,” You lower your voice, patronizingly imitating him, ““Ok, don’t freak out but…”?” You’re silent for a moment, waiting for a response. He doesn’t really have one. “Girls are dying. Girls I knew! I had dinner with Chelsea two months ago. If you’ve found two more, that means I probably know who did it. And I know exactly how to catch him.”

His eyes widen. “Absolutely- “

But you’re already gone.

You ask Hank for the floor and he grants it to you. You list out some of your more notable theories, most of which they’ve already looked into. You point out the fact that, if his last four victims were from the same high school, it’s likely his fifth would be too. Assuming he’s not done yet. What better place to grab her than the reunion tomorrow?

“Now you want to go to that?” Adam pipes up.

“Oh yeah, because walking around a gym chatting up people I never really liked who are pretending to have better lives than they do in order to impress people they also never liked is a great time. Of course I don’t want to go, but this is our best option.”

“’Our’?” Hank echoes.

You straighten your back, square your shoulders and nod. “I get a plus one, but you can’t have someone impersonate me and everyone knew Jay. Chances are I know this person. Best case scenario I suss out your bad guy.”

“And worst case?” Jay asks, clearly seething.

You ignore your brother and turn back to Hank instead. “I find you a new suspect to interrogate.”

Jay barks out a laugh. “Or, the killer is there, you’re on his list, he corners you, and you get- “

“Enough.” Hank cuts him off. “We wire her up, send her with a date and monitor the whole thing from across the street. Keep her as safe as possible.”

Jay watches you, your shoulders back, eyes alert, mouth set in a straight line and he can’t help but feel sick. The same determined look you’ve had your whole life and he knows there’s not a single thing he can do about it.

Sometimes he thinks you take ‘be brave’ too far.

Early the next morning, he corners you in the locker room. You complain about not having had any sleep with all the prepping you’ve had to do. He pulls out his phone, clicks Will’s contact number, puts it on speaker, and hands it to you.

It rings twice before he picks up.

You and Jay go back and forth explaining what exactly was going on. Most of it was you and him arguing over details. Will stays quiet, lets you hash it out. He catches the important bits, but for a moment he wonders when he became the voice of reason in this trio.

The idea of you being sent under cover to catch a serial killer or spree killer or whatever term you both had finally settled on did make him nervous. However, he’s been to a kick boxing class with you before and the only idea scarier than an angry you is a Jay with a gun.

“I’m assuming he’s going to keep you safe, so why is he making you call me?”

“I think he’s convinced I’m gonna die.” You shoot Jay a look before he can argue.

“Oh, I see. You though I could talk our stubborn little sister out of something she’s already set on, because, as we all know, if she won’t listen to you, she’ll definitely hear me out.”

“I thought you could reason with her.”

He laughs. “Because I’m known for being the reasonable one.” He’s quiet for a moment. “Okay, but if you do die, can I get your apartment?”

“Will!” Jay chastises.

“It’s such a great view!” He adds. You’re fairly certain he’s only half joking.

“I’ll add to my testament you can only have it if you finally ask out that doctor you’ve been pining over.”

He’s quiet again. “Your death might be the best thing for my love life.”

**

Antonio runs through the school’s blueprints with you and details every exit strategy they’ve put together. Jay goes over codewords with you, Kevin tasks himself with calming your nerves, and Hank takes you through every worst-case scenario until your brain melts. He informs you he’s sending Adam with you, and you’re about to question why when Jay interrupts, asks to have a moment alone with you.

“We’re in too deep now for you to get me to pull away from this.” You say quickly.

Jay takes a moment to look at you, but can’t get the image of that little pigtailed girl leaving snot stains on his shirt out of his head. You had grown so strong and sometimes he forgets that. He’d love nothing more than to convince you to go home where he’ll know you’ll be safe, but, instead, he places his hands on either side of your shoulders and looks you straight in the eye. “Be brave.” He tells you. You take a deep breath and nod.

The next few hours are a blur of curling irons and lip liner. You pull nervously at the lace of your sleeve, begin to twirl burgundy fabric between your fingers and Kim grabs you hand, offers you an assuring smile and promises they have your back.

Adam comes in, a sarcastic remark tittering on the edge of his tongue, but when he sees you, wrapped in red like a rose, it falls off. He’s only able to mumble something along the lines of, “car’s here.”

You fill the strange silence during the car ride with back story details. You met at a Blackhawk’s game, he spilt his beer down your back when he got upset over what he thought was an unfair call, and here you are seven months later. You said ‘I love you’ first, a detail he felt the need to argue, but you agreed to move into his place. You point out that, in real life, you’d never leave your view willingly.  

He opens your door and takes your hand, but you hesitate just before the door.

He moves his hand to the side of your face and grazes your cheek bone. “Hey.” He says softly. “You don’t have to do this if you’re not comfortable. You say the word and I will drive you home, no questions.”

You close your eyes, lean into his touch, and for a moment you consider his offer. “No.” you breathe out. You’re met with worried eyes and he’s about to protest when you shake your head. “I can do this.” He nods, eyes still worried, and grips your hand a little tighter.

Over the next hour you have so many small talk conversations that the people begin to blur together. You ask about jobs, kids, new houses. Most know your brother became a cop, so you don’t have to worry about trying to work the case in and Adam is strangely good at getting alibis from people without them knowing he’s also a cop. You flitter around with his hand always on your lower back and you can’t say you mind.

“Tell me, have you always been a badass?” He asks you seriously.

You purse your lips and contemplate for a moment. “No.” You answer truthfully. He was expecting a sarcastic remark, or a jab at Jay, your honesty surprises him. “When Jay enlisted and Will went to med school, I was truly alone for the first time.” He’s listening, watching you intently and suddenly the moment is too real, the air too heavy. You wiggle your brows to break the tension. “I supposed that’s when I became the best Halstead.” You whisper.

That’s when you see him. Slicked back hair and deep-set eyes, there’s something in his nauseating smirk that triggers the memory. A young boy with grabby hands and pushy words sulking around groups of girls. Those four girls did have someone in common, unfortunately so did you. He makes eye contact and stretches thin lips into a toothy smile. You do your best to mirror it.

The next five minutes include a very long string of decisions, the first being not telling Adam. You know there’s no way he’d let you get anywhere near this guy, which would keep you from getting a confession on tape and justice for those girls, so you had to find a way to lose him. You do the first thing that comes to mind. You chug your wine and his untouched drink, say something about crowds making you nervous, and tell him you’ll get the refills.

He finds your behavior odd, but then again you were a civilian undercover helping them look for a killer. Perhaps he’d be more concerned if you were completely calm. Jay told him to not let you out of his sight, but the bar was within his eyeline and he was in the middle of getting some information from a retired teacher. What harm could there be?

You hadn’t even placed your order with the bartender when there’s a tap on your shoulder. “Y/N, hey.” He stands too close to you, the smell of cigarettes and whiskey heavy on his tongue.

You hear Jay’s voice whispering “be brave” in the back of your mind and force a surprised expression before you morph it into a sweet smile. “Richards, right? Michael?”

His smile grows impossibly wide at the knowledge that you remember him. You start with the usual questions and he tells you he’s actually between jobs now, looking to start over after things ended with his fiancé. He paints a picture of a perfect man in a spell of bad luck who seems to believe he’ll get by on just his charm.

“Hey, do you want to get out of here?” He asks.

You ignore the pit in your stomach and the bile at the back of your throat when you trail your fingers up his arm. “I’d love that. My car is out back, it’ll be easy to slip away.”

He smiles devilishly at you and you take a moment to make sure Adam is distracted before you take his hand and pull him into a hallway. You’re sure to keep the exit strategies Antonio mapped out in the back of your mind, and fall behind to allow a distance to form between you.

He’s in the middle of a comment when you cut him off. “Did you pull a similar stunt with Chelsea?” You ask. He turns on you. “Lizzy was married with kids. I don’t imagine you thought you’d be successful there, so you just killed her. But Chelsea? She was fresh off a bad breakup and back in town.”

“What are you- “

“Did she reject you like she did in high school?” You bite out. You can only imagine the fit Jay is throwing right now, but you just need to hear him say it. “I didn’t know those two other girls well, but I bet they did the same. Did it make you feel small? Like less- “

“Shut up!” He yells as he reaches behind him to pull out a gun. He trains it directly on you.

See, you hadn’t planned for a gun, he had never used one before. You only put the distance between you because it’s harder for someone to hit or stab you when your farther away. But now there’s a pistol pointed directly at your chest and all the training Jay has even given you for this exact moment is useless.

“Drop the gun.” Adam bellows from behind you.

“Come any closer and I’ll shoot her!” Michael counters.

“You don’t want to do that.” He tries to reason.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure he does.” You mutter. “I’m right, though aren’t I? Why now?” Your blood chills with a sudden realization. “What really happened with your fiancé?” You press harder.

“Don’t worry, the bitch will get what’s coming right after you. She wanted to break things off because I wasn’t enough. You all think you’re so much- “

“You pathetic piece of- ”

“Yeah, maybe don’t provoke the guy with the gun on you?” Adam quips. You huff, but withhold the rest of your remark.

Adam’s slightly closer now, using the distraction you’re providing to move in. You feel a breeze graze your skin and the team files in to surround him. Jay flanks your other side, asks if you’re alright.

“Give it up, you got nowhere to go.” Antonio announces from behind him.

Michael falters for a second before he pulls his lips into that same devilish grin and you swear it almost splits his face in two. “Maybe. But four out of five isn’t too bad.”

He pulls the trigger and you drop.

You’ve imagined being shot several times and you definitely thought it would hurt more. You haven’t willed yourself to open your eyes yet, but all you can feel is pressure over your torso and something soaking your dress. Jay’s yelling, but one voice cuts clear from the chaos.

“Are you alright?” Adam asks from above you.

When he gets up, the pressure disappears and his hands start searching your body for any signs of injury. He repeats the question again. You look down at yourself and press your fingers into the dark spot on your dress, pull them away, and rub the red between your fingers. It’s blood, but it’s not yours.

You sit up in a panic, almost knocking him over. “Oh my god, Adam you got shot!” You exclaim with frantic hands searching for the wound. He hisses when you find it on his shoulder.

“I’m fine.” He grunts out. “It’s you I’m worried about.” You hear Jay call for an ambulance and are almost certain his heart is still racing.

You pull out Adams pocket square and place it firmly in his wound, try to ignore the body only feet from you. “That was so stupid.” You grit out. “You actually jumped in front of a bullet!”

“Thanks for saving my life Adam.” He mutters out and you ignore him.

“Stupid.” You say again.

**

You're sat in the waiting room of Chicago Med. Will and Jay are both laying into you about how dangerous and reckless your actions had been, but you’re barely listening to them. Your attention is only grabbed when a doctor comes out, tells you the surgery to remove the bullet went well, and he was awake. You follow the Doctor back, Jay on your heels.

When you walk in, Adam gets the dopiest smile you’ve ever seen. You sit gently by his side. “Do you need anything?” You ask.

“Ice chips would be amazing.” Once he’s sure you’re out of ear shot, he turns to Jay. “I’m sorry man. I shouldn’t have let her out of my- “

“I picked you to go with her, and I’d make the same decision.” He interrupts and Adam’s surprised. “Look man, I needed someone to go in with her that would protect her the way I would. I’ve seen the way you look at her.” He’s about to protest to tell him he’d never cross that line, but Jay raises his hand. “You just jumped in front of a bullet for her. You’re one of the few people I know she’s safe with and she actually listens to you which is a miracle on its own.”

You come back in and sense the shift in the air, but Jay excuses himself. You sit back at his bedside and offer him the cup and for the first moment of that night, everything is still. The events of the night, the sound of the shot, the smell of gunpowder thick in the air, it all builds up in your chest.

He hears your breathing pick up. “Woah, hey, I’m okay.” He tries to reassure you.

“You could’ve died.” You choke out.

“But I didn’t.”

“If it went two inches over, you’d be dead!” You’re panicking now.

“But it didn’t.” He says with a little more force and pulls you down to his chest. You let him. You breathe it out, allowing the sure smell of him to calm you.

“Why’d you do it?” Your voice is small. He hums his question. “Jump in front of me.” You clarify.

He’s quiet for a long time. You only know he’s awake because his fingers are trailing lines up and down your back, drawing circles between your shoulder blades. Goosebumps rise on your arms and you bury yourself further into him.

“Because I love you.” He says it as if it’s the simplest thing in this whole world. Maybe it is.

You look up at him for a while and think he’s far to calm for the moment. You lean up and place a tender kiss on the pillow of his lips before laying your head back down.

“I guess that’s a good enough reason.”

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