#i think it's verrrrrrrrry close to catching up again after i've had normal 2 weeks lol

[navramanan]

I go through these short periods of time feeling very okay and good even only bc i distract myself from what pains me until it catches up again and the cycle repeats itself

#i think it's verrrrrrrrry close to catching up again after i've had normal 2 weeks lol #so many ifs and buts and would things be better had i made a different decision lived in a different place or time etc #but i'll never now i'll always only have the here and now and the unchangeable past #and the very incertain scary future i'm trying so so so hard to be hopeful about but seeing things as they are right now. i really dont kno #i can only fake it to some point. i cant fake it till i make it. i'll fall apart countless times and then wont make it anyway #i feel like. i feel like all the circumstances i've been in have all always been against me #like i'm the only unlucky one among the people i know #i try so so so hard to remind myself that people who seem to have it so much better have their own problems too #but then also i remember something i wrote down once as a teen. the phrase you typically hear #''i have been battling (?) with this problem but am lucky enough to have a support system / loving friends etc'' #and idk how right i am with thinking this way but no matter what problems you have. #it's the toughest thing to lack deep connections with at least 1 person ideally like 3 i guess bc it's such a fundamental thing #you know having someone you can ALWAYS turn to without feeling bad and you know that they can and do turn to you too #and i do have a few wonderful friends i love so so much but i feel and know that no one needs me like i need them #every friendships feels so fragile to me. no one depends on me turns to me for advice or to vent etc #and when i feel like i need to do any of those things i cant turn to any of them #there's still inevitably a sort of disconnect i feel #and it terrifies me that i'll never find someone i connect with on a deeper level and it's mutual and we both can depend on each other #and there are no boundaries no shame no unspoken words #i dont know how true any of my feelings are but. but yeah #nesi rants