#i tried using all our headcanons to hurt charley guys im going to hell

[stillsolo]

letter writing, number 9 :))))

9 - an apology that’s way too late | @ofcloudcities | 1.7k words holy fuck why.  I love this ship help me.  Not doing letters.  Just voice recordings, sorry! Han wouldn’t write a letter.  He has no patience for that.  

❝Shit—where do I, uh—begin?  I dunno.❞      A momentary lapse of silence follows a bout of breathless laughter.❝’S a long story, Lando.  It really is.  Sit back, ‘cause it’ll be a while before I’m done.❞

A sigh.  ❝Really all goes back to when we were kids.  When we were runnin’ the streets like they were our own.  Back when we shared bread ‘n soup together ‘cause we didn’t have enough money to buy anything else to eat.  I think—I think around the time we turned twenty—and you said you were leaving to make it big—I think that’s when I knew I wanted you.            Yeah.  I’m cuttin’ the dramatics, Lando; you’ve probably known this whole time, huh?  ‘Cause you’re smart.  You’ve always been too fuckin’ smart for your own good …  Anyway, it wasn’t boyish curiosity or nothin’ either.  I figured that out later ‘cause I’d thought that’s what it was, too.  You’ve always been an open guy, never cared about what others had to say, and you chased after your own version of happiness.  … Guess that’s kinda what I wanted to do, too.  When you said you were leaving, I wanted to show you I wasn’t gonna be the same bum you’d known for years.❞

❝Growing up with you was the best ‘n the worst time of my life.  So, when we promised that, one day, we’d meet up again; I wanted to show you how much better things had gotten for me.  I mean, I wasn’t all that much different when we did, though.  Still drove around, aimless, worked odd jobs to make ends meet.  I’d met Leia at the time, ‘n fell for her.  But y’know that.  I remember how shocked you were when I told you I was engaged.             Didn’t last long, though.  From what I’ve seen, nothing ever fazes ya for long.❞

❝Can’t say I was any better, though.  You—a business man.  Your own office ‘n everything.  It still amazes me, ya know.  Not ‘cause I thought you wouldn’t make it or nothin’.  It was just … I guess I was thinking it was like those times we’d lay on the roof of the old recreation center.  Remember?  The old place we’d sleep at.  Back then, we’d go star gazin’, ‘n talk about how things were gonna be different for us one day.  Doing that for two years, as a kid, felt like a lifetime.  Guess I saw those moments as things that weren’t ever gonna actually happen.  But you made it happen, Lando.  Truth be told, I was jealous of all that ya had.  I was—twenty somethin’? — ‘n still struggling—engaged on top of it.  Me ‘n my ego wouldn’t let Leia pay for everything so, I worked even harder, but I kept seeing how much easier you had it.  … I avoided you—up until Leia called it off and dumped my ass.❞ 

A weak snort.  ❝But she was good for doin’ it.  Left me a whole lot to think about.  Had to reevaluate my whole life again.  I s’pose I’m someone who’s easily surprised, ‘cause I never would’ve guessed you showin’ up when you did.  Fuckin’—two bottles of whiskey in one hand, the whole collection of Star Trek in the other.  I’d ignored your ass for almost a year ‘n you showed up as soon as you found out?  Goddamn it, Lando, you blow my mind…!❞

❝          But I wish … I kinda wish you hadn’t done that.  Sometimes—there’re days when I think about how if you’d just let me wallow for that whole week I was down about Leia, things would be different right now.  I wouldn’t be talkin’ into this voice recorder, leaving you a message that I can’t say myself, can’t say in front of you ‘cause I’m a godsdamned coward.❞

He coughs, and shaky breaths rattle the speakers.  ❝I never meant to hurt you this way.  … You probably already know what I’m talking about, huh?❞

❝I didn’t … I didn’t plan for it to happen this way.  I swear, Lando, I swear.  Fuck—it came outta nowhere, okay?  It really did.  Me ‘n Luke didn’t plan this out to fuckin’ … hurt you.  It wasn’t like that.❞

❝When you took care of me, stayed over for a week in my shitty apartment and didn’t let up … that feeling came back.  That same shit I felt when we were young ‘n stupid ‘n happy but not fucking happy at all.  But, by that time, you were with Tendra.  Things looked serious.  You ‘n me have always been the same about this.  Relationships always come ‘n go.  Things would get serious, then things would end before we knew it.  Tendra?  She was different.  It looked like you loved her.  … A lot.  So, I didn’t say anything.❞

❝A year passed us by an’ as things go, you split with her … then me ‘n you happened.  Best day of my life, I swear.  Felt like my whole world was in color again!  Sure, we didn’t start … dating, but a kiss was everything to me, y’know?  After years of thinking about it, finally getting it was pretty damn sweet.  Admit it, the occasional sex was great too.             But after a coupla months, when you told me you were fuckin’ leaving again … I didn’t know how long it’d be before you’d be back ‘cause it was for work.  Said there was a gas mining company or somethin’, and that you were administrator now.  A big shot.  It was like some kinda sick repeat.  ‘Cause, just like when we were twenty an’ grinnin’ stupidly at each other in the subway station, not sure when we’d see each other again—it’d hit me a second time.  Slammed right home.  I could’ve said somethin’, but I didn’t.  I don’t know why I didn’t.  I just didn’t.  I thought if I told you that I’ve been in love with you, you’d finally drop me for good.  So … I let you go.  Thought you’d be better off without me, anyway.❞

❝While you were away, I met Leia’s twin brother: Luke … I’ll admit it, ‘m really attracted to him.  Who would’ve thought she had a long, lost twin?   Ahh, whatever.  It was a rush.  You weren’t around an’ I was still pissed.  We never solidified shit.  You made it sound like you were never comin’ back even though we kept in touch.  The few phone calls weren’t enough.  It hurt more to hear your voice than anything else … I was furious that you left it like that—us, still dancin’ around each other, avoiding landmines that don’t look so bad now that I’m at where I am.  So, I met up with Luke, fooled around with him, and found out with him, too.❞ 

❝Stage three.❞    ❝They said it just spread to stage three by the time I got tested.❞❝Thymomas cancer, type C.❞

❝For a long time, I couldn’t believe it.  They said it was really rare.  Even said I had the worst prognosis on top of that.❞  The rasp of fabric blasts through the speakers.  ❝Sorry, uh, just thinking of what to say.❞

❝Even though I remember the feeling as clear as the day I’d talked to Luke—after finding out you were comin’ home after just nine months—I knew it was wrong.  I don’t even know about the intentions anymore—if they were even in anyone’s best interest.  I never should’ve done it.  I regret it, more than anything.  When you showed up at my front door again, at my same shitty apartment—I liked it there ‘cause you’d said you hated it—two bottles of champagne in one hand, the new Star Trek in the other, and I told you it was over ‘n that I was engaged—fuckin’, again.              You’d looked shot to pieces that night.  I remember when you walked right past me, probably wanting to talk, you’d stopped midway when you saw Luke standing up from the couch.  Your back was towards me that night, but Luke said he’d never seen something so sad              told me you’d looked like a man who’d just lost everything in a gamble.❞ 

❝… I think about that night a lot.  ‘Specially, on nights ‘m not allowed to have visitors.  Hurts me to move these days.  Don’t bother turning on the TV anymore so, it’s quiet a lotta the time.  Keeps on playin’ at the back of my head, over ‘n over.  If I could change one thing, it’d be that night.          Wait, nawh, that’s a lie.  I’d rewind further than that—the fuck am I sayin’?  I’d have told you I’ve been in love with you from the get-go.  Whether you’d have loved me back or not, I would’ve.  ‘Cause, if I’d done that, at least you would’ve known I’ve been in love with you my whole godsdamned life.❞

❝You hear that, Lando?  My whole life—I’ve been in love with you!❞      ❝Lando … what I’d give … to live the rest of my life with …❞ 

❝I know it’s too late for apologies.  I know.  This tape—it’s gonna be sent from the hospital, to you, when I’m gone.  I asked them and they said they’d do it.  I would’ve asked Luke to help me out this one last time, but I’ve already put that kid through so godsdamned much.  I bet I’ve fucking scarred him by now … Take care of him for me, would ya?          Yeah, see, here I am askin’ favors ‘cause that’s all I ever fucking do.  M’sorry for that, too.  I … I won’t be around to do it myself is all, Lando.  He’s a bright kid—kinda like how we were when we were kids.  I see a lot of me in him—see a lot of you, too.❞  A few low chuckles, then a sharp sniffle.  

❝Lando … I didn’t mean to lie to you.  I know Luke was the one who caved ‘n told you what’s really going on with me.  You’re probably on a plane right now.  But, by the time you get here, I’ll           I’ll be gone.❞

❝…Hell.❞    ❝I know it’s too late.  I’ve put you through hell ‘n back.  But this’ll be the last time.  With how things’ve played out, it’s probably better this way.❞ 

❝I’m sorry.❞      ❝I love you.❞

#ofcloudcities #i tried using all our headcanons to hurt charley guys im going to hell #but i mean im deceased already #ive died charley im speaking from my grave #implied death // cw // tw #medical cw // tw // cancer #long post | novella post #❝ ɪ'ᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛᴇᴅ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴘɪɴɪᴏɴ ɢᴏʟᴅᴇɴʀᴏᴅ. ❞ [ headcanons ]