#i was watching a video on an autistic person 'reviewing' a book used by therapists to communicate with autistic people (and for cbt as well)

[dumb-fictionkin-sideblog]

I think

I think that me thinking I'm a compulsive manipulator for most of my "aware life" has something to do with the tism

#i was watching a video on an autistic person 'reviewing' a book used by therapists to communicate with autistic people (and for cbt as well) #(which. cbt for autistic people is not a good idea at all for multiple reasons but that's not the point) #and the person started talking about the fact that they say in the book that allistics communicate by not clearly stating their intentions #(so subtext and hidden meaning behind words) #and i was nodding along like 'yep that's how it works you have to analyze everything or you'll be ridiculed eventually' #and then the autistic person recording said *not* 'we have to analyze what they say' #but 'we have to Not say what we mean in order to communicate effectively with them' and i went wait no that's manipulative #(keep in mind i was watching that video listening in for signs that i am NOT autistic because as my only irl friend says: i am in denial) #and i think that i. started masking as a survival mechanism and imitating nt people #and reading subtext and acting 'allistically' is a big part of that and. my potentially autistic brain was recognizing that as manipulation #(as a means of survival) #like i had times as a kid where not reading subtext made me be ridiculed or ostracized or mocked #so i started doing it as well but my non allistic brain recognized that as manipulation because it wasn't natural for me #and i think maybe that's also why i like analyzing texts and finding new meanings in things so much #and why i care so much about the origins of non-literal expressions like #... i don't have an english example right now but you get the idea #that. realization is very reassuring actually #maybe i'm not as bad of a person as i thought...? #sunny