#i wish i had not gone digging and prodding but oops i am so stupid and also i cannot stop my brain from putting pieces together!!

[piplupod]

hate that you can have possibly the most horrific realisation of your life and your body completely freaks out and starts fighting itself and you are just expected to keep going with your day like normal. i feel like maybe i should get a month away from any and all responsibilities at the very least to recover and adjust to having this knowledge

#my god!!! my god!!! the horrors do not end!!! #in fact old horrors will come back to haunt you again!!! #i wish i had not gone digging and prodding but oops i am so stupid and also i cannot stop my brain from putting pieces together!! #i have a counseling appt tomorrow but i honestly dont think i can bring this up. how do u bring up such a thing! esp when u have no proof! #i do not think the pieces would all fit together so perfectly and the body and brain would not react so violently if it were not true thoug #i do not want it to be true dear fucking god can this not be true please. can i be mistaken maybe. can it be just a series of coincidences. #i do not know how to cope with this if it is true. and the most awful thing is i'll likely never know for sure #i do not have memory of any of those times. i will never know unless another part comes forward w memories #and maybe its better to not know? but i feel sick. i feel so very sick!! i cannot deal w this!! #Chase took over for half the day and he's sooo pissed at me for digging but i sincerely could not stop putting things together #everyone in the brain is so mad at me i think fsdjkl i feel so awful and sick and the body is so fucked up now #i want to bring it up w counselor but i'd have to bring up a lot of other things and she's about to go on pregnancy/maternity leave #i dont want to be... burdensome. and idk who will be replacing her #idk !!! i wish i could just undo all of that thinking this morning!! i fucked up!! i shouldnt have thought about it!! #i regret it but i also cannot stop wanting to know the truth!! and i hate this!! i dont want this to be real!! please i hope its not!! #pippen needs 2nd breakfast