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#i'm gna cry it's been so overwhelming lately bcs i'm filled with so much hope and despair simultaneously
noxtivagus
·
1 year
Text
evening has come again huh
#🌙.vent
#i'm really sorry for the vents lately but i need a way to let it out. & this. this is as far as i can go with that
#i need to do better again i know i can i have to :') people waiting for me. others n me....
#last night i downloaded a game for my friend. for her. & then another friend i told her i'll reply before the day ends :< 'take your time'
#she said but sob she opened up abt smth n i wna help i really do & fuck it just hurts too bcs i know the ppl around me are. struggling too
#i try not to put others b4 myself if i'm struggling like rn but :< i hate the helplessness. wish i cld do smth more for you
#i wish i could at least be enough to help them. for you for you whoever you are i would always be willing to make these sacrifices
#i'm gna cry it's been so overwhelming lately bcs i'm filled with so much hope and despair simultaneously
#what do i do? which do i choose? how do i decide? how am i supposed to do. enough. find a balance
#n then other friends i haven't gotten to replying yet today bcs oh i'm too worn down right now n i hate it so much i'm sorry
#& other than all the stuff i want to do for myself and for others there's also things like school n
#it hurts you know? i'm very much aware i've been worrying my family lately. i can't. sleep properly. i can't bring myself to finish eating
#:< n then it also gets overwhelming when i. look to better things. bcs it gen makes me v happy when. idk i feel inspired or creative or wtv
#but it hurts when it's also simultaneously so overwhelming bcs it's so hard to do something with it
#& thinking of good memories. how fleeting those moments were. how times have changed. but also of. of how more may come
#but maybe. maybe only if i'm better. if i'm not this hollow husk of my usual self? fuck i know i'm too harsh on myself. unnecessary pressur
#i'm more than it i know. but at times it's just so hard to feel better when i'm. 🥹 i really really don't want to be a disappointment.
#for others n. for myself.... bcs i know as always in the future. wtf the fuck happens then. i do know that parts of me will never change.
#wnvr i look into my past i'll always know that i deserved being more kind to myself. bcs i'm human too.
#this empty feeling of being stuck somewhere being hope n my despair hurts v much bcs it's so contradicting & overwhelming
#n i wish in these moments i cld be enough for my future self. n for those around me
#i wish i was better at communicating! tell everyone i know how much i appreciate them! how much i wish they'd stay in my life
#i wish i cld really just say but i'm afraid that my honesty might scare you away. so instead i hide. you probably don't feel the same nyway
#crying it hurts i think past experiences have made me too used to people leaving. but i can't be vulnerable enough to be
#soft enough to the extent of being so honest. i've been hurt before when i was kind n younger n naive sure but oh so innocent
#struggling sad n it was so bad then that i. oh i remember how it hurt.... i refuse to let myself go through that extent of loneliness again
#i wish though that. i could. revive my mind. my motivation my inspo my creativity hasn't exactly dulled but it's become more passive
#am i afraid that if i really be myself then i'll be alone again? if i'm weird if i'm too honest n soft n. i don't know.
#it hurts feeling like i'm stuck with being too little n too much at the same time. how do i. just be. enough. for you. for me.
#it hurts i'm crying i'm sorry i'm so sorry fuck i'm so overwhelmed n lost i don't want to think right now it feels so empty n i'm tired
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