#i've noticed throughout this month that i haven't been as jolly in general either

[shiningstages]

Not to be a huge debbie downer or anything, but I honestly don’t know when I’ll be on here for the foreseeable future, because bad stuff has just been happening lately (reason below - tw: hospitals, tw: gore mention, tw: grandparents / old people) (it’s bunches of family drama too, so be warned I  may not sound the nicest down there)

Both of my grandparents on my mom’s side are in the hospital right now. My pawpaw (as I call my grandpa), had been slowly deteriorating for months now - for a year or two actually, with growing dementia and jumping to past events, and absentmindedly (again, tw: gore mention) chewing his fingers off literally. I’ve seen his hands change and it’s not the most fun to say the least. He’s only been in and out of hospitals and service homes for I guess half a year? But he’s really gone downhill these last couple weeks though, not breathing well but being lucid enough to refuse breathing help like a tube, and plenty of other things I won’t really say (even though my grandma loves to text every detail to everyone).

My granna (my grandma; her name’s anna, so granna) fell in the hospital parking lot just now. Got staples in because she had a bit of blood on her brain; only let my mom know about it so as “not to worry the rest of the family”. My mom’s driving over to the hospital (while a tropical storm is coming through! yay!) to be with her in case decisions need to be made on her part.

And, to be perfectly honestly, I absolutely don’t care, while also feeling frustrated and upset about it. This side of my family has never really been kind (for the most part; one uncle and a couple cousins are cool, one of which being the cousin that introduced me to tumblr rp and everything, so I’m very thankful and kinda close to her still). When I was a little kid I never really noticed, but in my middle / high school years, and especially as an adult, these people just haven’t really cared about my immediate family at all. Most of this is emotional / mental abuse towards my mother during her time at the family business (stuff I won’t get into because it’s not my place), but also just not wanting to be a part of our lives and not including us in theirs, to the point where (as the adult I am now) they just feel like distant strangers. I’m not saying my grandparents specifically are in the latter camp; they’ve expressed love for my brother and I throughout the years. But as my grandpa had really started to mellow out / not really take in the world too much outside of food and the occasional conversation, my grandmother had gotten more noticeably self-centered with every remark. It didn’t help that my mom’s relationship with them worsened and I saw and heard her feelings firsthand about what kind of people they were versus what had changed or stayed the same about them, but they have truly felt so distant for the past few years especially.

Yet, despite that, and despite feeling much more okay about their passing once it happens, I know I’ll still be upset about it. I know that, despite her feelings, my mom is upset about it and will become more upset by it once it happens. My brother has so much more empathy and love for them than I can muster; he sobbed just looking at our grandfather when he agreed to go up and visit on Monday. I know other family members that I haven’t seen in years - in a couple cases probably a literal decade - will have varying degrees of feelings over it as well. And I know that’s all understandable and okay. That I don’t love these two people as much as I did anymore, and that I know I’m more upset for the people I love much more hurting around me. But that I’m still feeling upset over it, whether through the remnants of love I have for these people, or for the outpouring of love and comfort I want to give to my immediate family when the time comes.

My grandparents on my dad’s side died really suddenly. In the hospital for less than a week each (granted a few years apart from one another), and then suddenly they were gone. Really finally understanding the flipside of it with my grandfather - the slow crawl and loss of functions or mobility - only kind of makes my feelings on this worse. In part because - I know I’ve probably sounded really rude, but forgive me for sounding extremely rude and distasteful - I expected him to die so many times already, knowing that nobody (not even himself) likes how he’s living now. And then my grandmother reaching out to my mom for support once more, when that’s all she’s ever done...it really feels too annoying and heartbreaking. Find a different person who cares.

I just really needed to vent about this. I know this isn’t the best place for it, but I don’t want to clog friend discords with it since so much has been happening everywhere as is. If besties see this especially, hello and I love you bunches~ I’ll probably still respond to discord stuff, just know I may not be in the highest of spirits.

#;big bubble blowing baby! ( ooc ) #tw: gore mention #tw: hospital #tw: grandparents #tw: old age #( really don't know how many people are truly triggered by the passage of time but w/e #please reply or dm if you think i need to add another tag #i should probably add drama but that's usually for on-site drama so #shrugs #i feel better after writing out but aaaaaaa what a way to be nearing the end (mostly) of my college career!! #i've noticed throughout this month that i haven't been as jolly in general either #like i'd be bouncing off the walls for christmas #but with a combination of trying to figure out my own life outside of college and now all this coming to a head #yeah it hasn't been a fun wrapping up of the year #for some reason my mom leaving at midnight to there for her ungrateful mother was what got me #maybe deep down i'm really petty and lack empathy for that side of the family #maybe i know that and i just don't care yet also care a lot )