#if i havent bought tickets by Sunday then im not going. rn im leaning toward not going but it does make me quite sad

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#okay so pros and cons of going home bc i haven't made a decision yet.... #cons: ethically traveling across the country rn is not good. and personally navigating the steps of traveling rn feels impossible bc im so #exhausted. also i havent done any Christmas shopping which i kno my sisters will criticize me for but its not live ive been lazy abt it #ive been stressed abt it since November but it hasnt happened and its just gonna make me really upset when they point it out. #also when i go home ill have to stay upstairs in my sisters old room bc she moved into my room and its dumb but that makes my brain go: #u cant go home now bc u cant handle that change #. also when i come back ill have to quarantine 2weeks and i still have a bunch of stuff i have to do in the lab. #speaking of which if i stay i can get a lot done here lab wise and maybe relax a little more bc it wont be like im doing normal hrs which #stress me out. and we have an ongoing project that needs help with in the lab too so i feel bad leaving. also im so tired and worried i wont #be able to relax until whenever id get a flight so im nervous abt driving #pros of going home: cant go into the and therefore must relax which is desperately needed. will see my family which is good bc never kno #when someone might suddenly kick the bucket and i dont make connections properly so my direct fam are the only ones i feel almost #comfortable around. also my parents miss me and i always feel like a terrible child for living so far away from them. #also i might be able to experience some tiny crumbs of happiness in my tiny pathetic hypercontrolled life. #and that's basically it: if i stay i feel horrible and guilty toward my family and if i go i feel ethically guilty but my brain might get #some tiny amount of relief for a sec #idk if i stay ill try to be more healthy and do some fun crafty stuff and force myself to recover so idk... #if i havent bought tickets by Sunday then im not going. rn im leaning toward not going but it does make me quite sad #writing this out rn bc i woke up with my face v swollen from crying which was a product of half #indecision and half my brain collapsing under the weight of the week #idk i just hate making choices #unrelated