#if someones entrance exam went so traumatically that they had to repress it and get physical symptoms at the mention of it

[advice4smartgirls]

This is a situation that has really made a mess of me and confused me so i apologize in advance if its hard to kind of follow. i went to this party back in september and saw this guy and was just really intrigued by him. i didn't even talk to him then but his essence was just really captivating to me. later one of my friends had a cypher at his house and this same guy was there, and i complimented his clothes and he said he had made them and so we got into this whole conversation & he said he ✨

✨needed photographers/models for his clothes so i said i had taken pictures before and so about a week later we met up for me to shoot/ model for his clothes. it was really fun and i was really amazed at how cool and kind of a person he was. i did kind of like him in the back of my head but really i was more focused on getting the essence of his clothes across and doing a good job for him artistically. so we were down in this river and had taken some pics and he started saying that he didn’t ✨✨ know if it was just him or not but he felt there was a lot of artistic tension. i cant even remember if i responded bc i guess i was just very entranced but we ended up having sex. i liked it and i liked him but i was also thinking i wanted it to be over and he asked me when to cum and i just said right then even though i hadn’t orgasmed bc it was all very overwhelming. so anyways i took him back to his dorm after that and then for the next 2 weeks or so he was always really romantic through ✨✨texts and in person sending roses emojis and commenting gorgeous on all my instagram pics. so right before thanksgiving break i hung out with him and i wanted to ask if we were friends or more than that. (which is always a dumb thing to do i guess) but i didn’t when i was with him, but i called him later that night and asked and then he just said he’d call me back and hung up. he didn’t call me back but he just texted me that he was just in a relationship for 3 years. and i just said okay I’m ✨✨sorry and that i just wanted him to be happy whether that be my friend or not. so anyways he went to D.C. for break cuz thats where he lives. and i hadn’t gotten my period and just felt weird so on thanksgiving day i took a pregnancy test and i truly didn’t think it was going to happen but it showed up positive and i just remember my vision getting blurry and feeling really shocked. i didn’t call him or anything bc i didn’t want to ruin his break and i guess i didn’t want to be a burden to ✨✨him or for any negative emotions to be associated with me so i just kept it to myself until he got back which really depressed me and freaked me out. so when he came back i asked him if i could talk to him cuz i really needed a friend out of him and so i was in his dorm and told him that i was pregnant and he just looked shocked and then i said “but i don’t plan on staying pregnant” and he was like oh i see what you’re saying. and then he was about to say something then decided not to and i ✨✨was like no say it. and i don’t remember his exact words but he said that that meant we could have sex without him a condom/ pulling out and i just said “oh.. yeah” bc again i guess i was just shocked by that response and so he started kissing me and we had sex again. idk i think it was later that night that i asked if he would come to my appointment with me and he said yes. and then later i texted him asking if he would and that it was friday of that week. (this was exam week right before ✨✨christmas break) and i texted him if he was busy this friday and he said no he was leaving that night (tuesday or something) and it just really hurt bc idk how he could forgotten that so it just seemed like he was blowing it off. but i didn’t say it hurt me bc he was already leaving and didn’t want to cause conflict. so then he was in D.C. and we would text a little bit everyday or something and i said i said i wanted to come visit him cuz i was making him a jacket. (painting on it) he kept ✨✨ignoring me or avoiding me when i wanted to talk about how upset or scared i was and so i just put all of my emotions in this painting to give to him. it was of a naked women with her sacral chakra lit up out of her back handing standing on a ground of dead roses but handing the living one to a skeleton with a bloody scythe with his hand extended out to take the flower. o basically it kind of symbolized the sacral chakra of creativity and sexuality being flourished through the relationship. ✨✨so much so that i became pregnant. but that he had implanted these dead roses in me and i had to reap them. but i salvaged one alive rose to give to him as a peace offering and that i will choose love even if i feel wronged. also both the skeleton and the woman had third eyes and a tunnel of sound waves between them and a dove carrying a tuning fork. from the lady to the skeleton. basically to send peace and to tune in to each other. (idk explaining this i kind of feel like a psycho for ✨✨painting this so I’m sorry lol) anyways so i was spending day in and day out painting this before and after the abortion so i could drive to D.C. and give it to him. i called him the night before the abortion saying i was scared and sad and i don’t think he really understood i guess but he said he’d call me the next day (he didn’t) he didn’t really ever bring it up to me or ask how i was doing. and i was too scared to bring it up really except for a few days later when i impulsively called him✨✨to tell him i wasn’t pregnant and he told me he was on acid so we stopped talking. all the while he was posting these kind of sexually explicit posts on instagram. (like the captions were explicit) and it definitely wasn’t about me so it just kind of pushed me into a deeper realm of sadness bc i wanted him to care about me and like me at this point. i had also sent him my film camera bc some girl he was friends with took his and said it was hers now bc he said he was giving it to her as a ✨✨friend. so i felt bad and i have 3 cameras so i offered to give him one of mine. so anyways fast forward a few days and i had finished the painting on the jacket and was about to go to D.C. to hang out with him but i had all these repressed feelings (really really painful feelings of guilt and sadness about the abortion which i don’t really want to get into bc its too much and will probably last me my whole life) and i was upset bc he didn’t really seem to care at all. like he didn’t ask how i✨✨was doing or anything or really talk to me much at all. so i drove like 10 hours to D.C. and was just planning to maybe express my feelings to him when i got there. so i got there and we hung out for two days but i still couldn’t really get myself to say anything. when we hung out it was nice and he showed me some cool things. and when he got the jacket he said it was the greatest gift he had ever received and kissed my face all over and said he was gonna show it to all his friends. the last ✨✨day we hung out i was planning to go to new york and dropped him off at his friends house but i was sitting in my car really nervous and upset that i hadn’t expressed my feelings to him bc i felt like i never would and i’d keep these feelings repressed forever. so i called him and asked him to come out again and he did and we walked around and i didn’t know how to say it so i was just saying that i felt really sad and he then responded with saying that he thought he was a sociopath. and i was ✨✨just like, “no i mean you seem like you have feelings.” and i just said that i felt traumatized and started crying and he just looked at me like he hated me and was scrolling through his phone all throughout this conversation and said that he had male parts and i had female parts and that couldn’t understand my female parts… and i asked him if he thought about this whole situation and he was like only before he went to sleep. and that he wished i didn’t tell him in the first place. and now he✨✨had seen why i had come to see him in the first place and that it hadn’t ruined the whole two days for him. idk he just looked so angry and looked at me with disgust when i was crying and i asked him if he cared and he said yes and looked kind of concerned. but then i said it really didn’t seem like it and started crying and he was like “well, if it doesn’t seem like it then i don’t know what more i can do. I don’t know how much more i can show you that i care” and then it was silent for a bit✨✨and then i was just really frustrated and was saying that i just wanted to feel peace and to resolve this and he was like “well, i don’t talk about my feelings. i just keep them to myself.” and i didn’t know how to respond to that so it was just silent and then he said that his drug dealer was here and got out of my car and said have fun in new york. so after he left my car i just sat there for like 30 minutes and sobbed bc i had never been so confused in my life and never been left feeling so✨✨confused in my life and never been left feeling so hopeless and helpless and terrible. so i drove to new york and sent him a text saying i was sorry and that i shouldn’t have said any of that shit. and idk why i did that bc i really felt like he was the one who should’ve been saying sorry but i didn’t want him to hate me and i wanted it to be resolved. and he just replied with “you’re good” so i spent the next 2 days in new york and just kept myself busy going around the city attempting to ✨✨heal myself somehow. then i drove back home and when i was passing through D.C. i really wanted to see him just to feel better and have the last time i see him before he gets back from break be a little less of a terrible memory. so i asked him if i could buy shrooms, not cuz i wanted to do them but just to see him and he said yes and we met up and he was on shrooms and it was just so strikingly different. like as opposed to two days ago when i had never seen someone look at me with such hate ✨that night i had never seen someone one look at me with such love. and he hugged me and we had a nice conversation. so i just left feeling really confused again and drove home. we didn’t really talk much the rest of the break but he did tell me happy birthday. then i offered to pick him up from the bus stop and he kept pushing the days back but he finally came and i picked him up and took him to his dorm. then we actually hung out since he got back and he came over to my house and we drew ✨✨together. i asked him if he wanted to help me paint my wall and he said yes and to buy unstretched canvas. and i said i meant my wall not the canvas but i figured he wanted to paint together and that’d be fun so i did buy the canvas. so he came over but he just cut the canvas up to make patches for his clothes. so it kind made me feel used cuz he didn’t even help me paint my wall or paint with me but just came over to use my materials. and he was kind of cold to me the whole night until he ✨✨the whole night until he asked me to bring him some tea and he started rubbing me arms and being lovey. so i made him some tea but he didn’t drink it. and it seemed like he wanted to have sex bc he put his arms around me and kept pushing up against me. but i was just too confused and didn’t trust him whatsoever at that point especially since he was cold to me all night until then. so i stopped initiating our hang outs rlly although i did still wanna have a relationship with him. but everyday ✨✨he would ask me what i was doing and he had made this snapchat of him where it said “ i can read between the lines and see that you don’t trust me” and after i saw it he texted me later asking me to hang out. (but i also don’t even know if that was intended for me bc he talks to a lot of other girls too. so we did hang out and did more art together but we didn’t talk much. it was nice though. and he kind of started being more romantic to me and more open and kind. so i just feel I’m in this ✨✨mudslide of i want to like him but he’s also hurt me and i don’t trust him and i want that to be cleared up but i’m starting to think he’s just deceiving me and using me and doesn’t really like me at all. and i saw that he followed my friend on instagram and likes all of her pics of her in her underwear and shit and commented “whats your phone number?” on one of her pics that i was in??? and so i texted asking if he knew her and he said yes, and i said how? and he didn’t answer. so i’m just ✨✨✨assuming he’s hitting on my friend along with a bunch of other girls and idk how to talk to him about it or whether to even bother at this point. the next day i posted this picture of this drawing i did on instagram and he liked it, which is weird bc he hasn’t liked my pictures for weeks. which has also made me feel like he’s playing mind games with me trying to be cold. so i asked him when he was leaving bc he asked for me to take more pics of him and i was gonna do it tomorrow. but he said✨✨but he said the next day and if i wanted to get tea with him and i said yes and asked when to pick him up. but then he asked if i was trying to bless him with sushi train (which is this like sushi buffet that comes on a conveyer belt..) but anyways him just basically asking if i would buy it for him which is like $50 and so i did idk why. and i felt used bc he doesn’t really seem to like me and i don’t understand why he hangs out with me at this point bc i asked him at dinner if i could shoot✨✨with him next week and he said maybe. and when i was driving him back to his dorm his wasn’t talking to me and was just on his phone and then closing his eyes. and i was looking at him and then he was like “will you stop looking at me i can feel your eyes on me and I’m trying to meditate” but like why would you meditate in my car why wouldn’t you talk to me… so idk i took him back to his dorm and he kissed me on the cheek and said he had to go bc he had a quiz tomorrow. but i thought we would✨✨ hang out longer or something. and then he posted some pic on instagram about fucking some other girl. so idk i know this is way too much to respond too. but i honestly don’t know what to do anymore. should i express my emotions to him? even though I’m really scared to because of his last response… or should i just block him and stop contacting him? or should i keep contacting him and just be positive and give him the benefit of the doubt and try and be friends? idk i just feel like he has no ✨✨respect for me and is just using me to buy him things and after every thing I’ve been through with him I’m just at a loss of what to do. i feel traumatized and neglected and paralyzed in my emotions. but i also feel guilt bc i could really be all at fault here and should try and see how he’s feeling and support him and continue being friend with him. i feel that if i bring anything up or block him ill end up feeling more hurt and all i really want at this point is peace. ✨

Okay. This boy is vile, disgusting, I would even say evil. He is manipulating you and using you for sex. he doesn’t care about you in the slightest. He got you pregnant (by manipulating you into a sexual situation under the facade of photography btw) and when you told him he said that meant you should have unprotected sex??? WTF?? That is so awful. You don’t even know if he has and STI or not. It’s a really bad sign when you go into situations with men not expecting to have sex, but you “end up”having sex anyway. That means that they are manipulating you into sex. This boy is inconsiderate of your needs (for example, refusing to go with you to get the abortion). He consistently lies to you, telling you he’ll call or text or do stuff for you but never does (probably because ehe never planned on doing it in the first place). He uses drugs recklessly. He told you he doesn’t have feelings. He consistently makes you feel awful. I mean this boy is just 100% awful and a huge waste of yours (or anyone’s) time. DO NOT TRIP WITH HIM, DO NOT DO DRUGS WITH HIM. He doesn’t care about you and will not take care of you. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN. He is manipulative and uncaring. Stop seeing him. Stop putting effort into this relationship. He is a terrible person. You deserve a million times better than all of this. Block his number, unfollow him on everything. He is awful. You are under no obligation to support him. He doesn’t deserve support from you in the slightest. You are absolutely right when you say that he is just using you. Block him. Stop contacting him.

Love you,Lil