#if the people who fought and argued with and shamed you for considering student loans much less taking them out

[goldkirk]

I'm so proud of myself about finances in the past couple months. I still struggle with money but I did enough meditation and journaling and practicing about it to make myself able to actually face my loans and credit cards and savings and bills and start really truly organizing and addressing them for the first time in years instead of just flying by the seat of my pants.

Like. This is a huge deal for me. I've felt like I'm in deadly danger every time I've tried to think about money for years and years. I'm finally able to look it in the face and stare it down and start to organize and plan on purpose instead of just keeping up with the minimum to stay afloat. I'm so proud of myself.

It's still a refrain of "GUILT (funny link)" every time I think about money but I'm able to actually make spreadsheets and face the numbers and monthly tracking again, and even make a new full budget which I haven't been able to do in ages.

still feel guilt, overwhelm, and helplessness, but no longer feel as much deep elemental shame and terror. that's progress baby

#we don't need to talk about how many months and months of therapy visits and doctor appointments I put on credit cards #among other things #but I had to put my foot down about it a couple months ago and shout at myself a little saying HEY #I AM SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS I AM SHOUTING FOR YOU TO HEAR #OF COURSE IT WAS A TERRIBLE FINANCIAL DECISION BUT YOU WEREN'T EVEN EXPECTING TO BE ALIVE #THE CREDIT CARD DEBT WAS NECESSARY TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AND IT DID AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS WAY LESS IMPORTANT THAN THAT #why the FUCK are you feeling SO ASHAMED for making the best decision you knew how to make at the time??? #just because you know NOW that you could have tried some other options doesn't mean you did THEN #you may have known enough to feel shame and guilt yes but you would never in a million years have gotten the help you needed fast enough #by attempting to go another route #you didn't trust anyone besides a very few handfuls of people and even them it wasn't fully #and the stress of running it through parental insurance was so terrifying to you bc you didn't know what that would do #and you never had cosigners for anything your whole adult life. it's OKAY #you fucking DID YOUR BEST #YOU HAVE LEARNED. YOU HAVE MADE CHANGES. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE BETTER #YOU WILL CONTINUE TO LEARN AND IMPROVE OVER TIME #it is not the end of the world. even the utilities sending you to debt collections etc etc #YOU ARE FIGURING IT OUT ONE PIECE AT A TIME #MORE PEOPLE ARE ASHAMED AND AFRAID OF THEIR OWN FINANCES THAN YOU THINK #if the people who fought and argued with and shamed you for considering student loans much less taking them out #had wanted you to actually be financially safer and healthier #they could have just fucking helped out or cosigned your loans or actively helped you find other solutions #instead of spending months and months telling you it was the worst decision ever and would ruin you financially for decades and such #you made the best decisions you could with the level of terror and knowledge that you had. it was enough to keep you alive. #isn't that enough? #isn't it a victory to survive?? isn't that enough?????? #god i'm cringing at sharing this but if it's been this hard for me surely at LEAST one of you has also made financial mistakes or regrets #and seeing me be honest that I fucked it all up too and it's a mess and I'm just climbing back through it as best as I can as I go #will hopefully make at least one of you feel a tiny bit less alone

[jaywhitecotton]

Death Rattle of Provacative

What is the value of free speech? In a world where everyone is a pundit, a commentator, a walking op-ed piece - just what is the value of free speech? What value is a voice that only serves an audience of sycophantic echoes? This week people have been arguing over whether or not alt-right troll Milo Yiannopoulis should be given opportunities to speak. Should he be allowed to voice his opinions on talk shows and college campuses? Especially if his speech creates violent reactions like the small anemic riots in San Francisco. Well yes, of course he does. Its pretty simple.If an organization invites you to speak, they have the right to do so - and in turn - you have the right to protest and speak out against it. You have the right to condemn it as well as the right to ignore it. That’s it. You do not have the right to throw a goddamn violent hissy fit and destroy property. Don’t get me wrong – there are plenty of reasons to burn a Starbucks. I can think of twenty in LA right now, filled with budding screenwriters applying the Save the Cat formula to some trite bullshit that will eventually clog theaters with more artless crap. If you’re going to burn anything – start with the university’s student loan office. A greedy and exploitative institution that is actively destroying lives and creating the type of indentured servitude that straight up keeps people chained to shitty jobs with worthless degrees. But over Milo? Are you fucking kidding me? This is what a provocateur is these days?! Did somebody hit the snooze button on ‘effective challenging figures’?! Milo ' Greek Yogurt' Yiannopoulis is about as dangerous and effective as a wet fart. Sure you might need to go to the restroom for a security wipe, but it’s not like you’re going to call a friend to bring you some new pants. Lenny Bruce went to jail for the right to use profanity in his nightclub performances. The Supreme Court was forced to deal with the issue of indecency because of a George Carlin album. Frank Zappa, 2 Live Crew, Dee Snyder – all fought against the likes of Tipper Gore and evangelicals desperate power grabs to block or define their art. Good or bad - They all won in their own way. Maybe the problem here is that art is no longer challenging. It’s been suffocated by corporate monopolies, artless interns who work their way to becoming taste-makers and industry gate keepers. Comedy, music, film – I can’t think of anyone in this current crop of “successes” who is actually saying or challenging anything of merit. Why would they? In a world where media is so prevalent, so saturated in blogs, op-eds and TV pundits – how do you creatively challenge this kind of world? A world where everyone thinks they’re bland talking points are equal and deserving? When Johnny Square Dick Barista and Sally No Tits Paralegal think they have the ‘hottest take’ equal to the wisdom of Mark Twain. Myself included. We have all the free speech you can want and unfortunately – you get what you pay for. No wonder Kanye lost his mind. No wonder our idea of progress is Adele accepting awards in one hand while saying it belongs to Beyonce in the other. No wonder there’s an army of copy n paste ex-Disney kids growing up celebrated for their achievements only because we need the nostalgia to feel like our formative years mattered. That it was all worthwhile. Never mind the fact that art has been predominantly shit for probably more decades than we care to admit. Art is fucking dead. And what good, actual real art that might exist - has been mirrored and co-opted by brand ambassadors and self aware mimickers with WordPress skills. The effect is gone – the audience is on stage and the real artists are stuck suffering while watching this shit show play out. I mean when was the last time you saw a guy walking down the street with a guitar and didn’t think “who does this desperate asshole think he’s pretending to be?” Some people blame the progressives. Progressives were the people who used to defend ‘free speech’. Gradually over time they became the enforcers of shutting down communication. Shrill voices trying to yell down any opposing point of view - be it slight or egregious in disagreement. They unified and then - turned their attacks on themselves. Everyone became apologists deferring in one hand while grandstanding in the other. We couldn’t have a simple Women’s March in solidarity against the new Administration without people pointing out that 'white feminists were bad because they couldn’t effectively speak for black women', then 'black women were bad if they were Christian and felt that abortion was wrong', then 'abortions were bad because they enabled sex workers and it was bad to slut shame sex workers', then 'it was bad they were sex workers because many were virtual slaves to systematic patriarchal pimping'. I think – I don’t know – It’s hard to keep up with all this free flowing sanctimony. Maybe that’s why everyone is so desperate to be on the cross? It’s hard to flutter your opinions when you’re completely nailed down. All i know is you can’t be politically correct every hour of every day. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE WRONG ONCE IN AWHILE. The need to always be the most right is the snake eating its own tail. Somehow in all this chaos, the conservatives have tried their best to posture as if they were finally on the side of hip and relevance. Even though their whole core being is against this entire concept. Most of their value judgments are either corporate funded or motivated by outdated religious dictum and prejudices. Its why most of their talking points are “See! We found a gay jew who bangs black guys to agree with our hate speech!”, or “Here’s a woman who thinks other women should shut up about who governs their bodies!”, or “Businesses shouldn’t be forced to serve gays ice cream cakes!”,” Indians are in the way of PROGRESSIVE oil pipelines!”, “Solar energy is in the way of Dickens-era coal miners!”, and “Environmental conservation limits corporations from profiting as much as they deserve!”, and also “Corporations are people and black, brown and poor white people need to be gerrymandered out of their districts because they can’t effectively be their own voice and we need to bring Democracy to the Middle East!” Or the now popular “Gender neutral bathrooms only encourage rapists to attack more women and children.” This is why Milo Yiannopoulis is considered a ‘provocateur’?! A rebel fighting for the right to free speech?! Bitch please! This motherfucker is so basic, why do you think the right embraced him? The fact that he’s so transparent makes me wonder how he gets away acting like he’s actually transphobic. He’s not. It’s an act. His only fear is the public realization he’s utterly irrelevant to any conversation. He brings NOTHING to the table. Never trust the conservative right’s opinion of what their version of a rebel is. It’s NEVER AUTHENTIC. This is the party that thought Tucker Carlson was making a rebellious statement because of his dedication to the bow tie. STOP treating Milo like he’s the new bad boy saying it how it is because he waves the free speech flag as if a Hero. I’m sorry, but a real Hero isn’t afraid to use a unisex bathroom. A real brave person doesn’t quiver in fear behind false statistics of sexual abuse in between shaking out mud nuggets in the handicapped stall. Trust me – I’ve taking shits in jail holding cells. I fucking know fear and bravery. Also – Lets clarify this shit once and for all. Milo isn’t a fucking comedian. The same way Ann Coulter isn’t a comedian. Comedy requires so much more than just yelling bland statements for the audience to agree and clap to – NO MATTER WHAT COMEDY CENTRAL PRETENDS OTHERWISE. We should let idiots have a platform. We should use their insipid, tired rhetoric to serve as an example and a teaching point for people to see through them. Nobody said you had to treat them with respect. People get the respect they give onto others and trollish fucks should be openly showcased and treated in kind. It all works out eventually. You ever hear the expression ‘give a man enough rope’? Look at what’s happening to Milo right now. By exposing himself so publicly he has opened himself to the worst trolls of all. The general public. And the general public LOVES false idols. You see – What people forget about the public eye is that it also has a mouth – and a fierce appetite for people who posture as if untouchable. And the public eye is NEVER bigger than our stomachs. We’ll chew every inch of meat on your body until we swallow you up and shit you out, courtesy flushing you into forgotten mediocrity. The best part - this bathroom is gender neutral. Just ask Lena Dunham. It’s already happening. When ill informed, no talent shrills make their living pretending they’re capable of actual satire – they get rooted out for the frauds they are. It’s why Milo is facing actual setbacks now that his recorded support of pedophilia has been unearthed for all to exploit. He’ll still have his audience for now, but the more this kind of attention consumes him, the more he’ll whither like a fish on the hook. The trolls he surrounded himself with will eventually get bored of him - and all he’ll have left are the few scumfucks who genuinely embraced his rhetoric who will eventually gay bash him. Meanwhile Leslie Jones will still be getting work. The fun and the power will be played out and he’ll have nothing left to devour, but himself. Because - again - the need to be right is the snake eating its own tail. Including the alt-right. That said.. I realize I’m just adding another voice to this. I realize that in some possible way, I’m playing a small insignificant part of the very thing I’m railing against. The difference is I’m not selling anything. I’m not even saying I’m right. For fucksakes I can be off a few points here and honestly – there’s plenty I didn’t add for brevity sake. All I can do is challenge myself to do more. To take a chance to be wrong. Maybe that’s what art has evolved to? Maybe art is no longer trying to challenge people – maybe art has evolved into challenging ourselves? Take it or leave it. Free speech. You get what you pay for.