#if u or anyone else who met me through discord server calls sees this tag hi youre very lovely and nice im trying

[andromedasummer]

honestly with regards to my last post about my voice and the post before that one of my biggest fears is that when i meet my online friends in person they will end up finding me annoying and resent and reject me for my autistic traits that show up in social situations. its ridiculous because i have met online friends irl and now we live in the same city and hang out when we can.

but theres still this thing in my head reminding me how easy it is to hide your autism when youre using a keyboard or writing. in person they will see me stim in ways that will draw attention from passersbyers and hear my voice fluctuate in stiffness and volume. they'll have to cope with me talking in scripts and trying to build a conversation like its an essay instead of a fluid and moving thing. they'll risk seeing me overwhelmed or, worse, have me overwhelm them and it wont be as easy to ignore as they are through a group chat.

and it makes no sense because theyve shown me time and time again that they're anti-ableist and they accept and love me along with my autism. but its so ingrained in society to treat autistic people in public as weird and uncomfortable that i just. feel its going to happen. im so used to people edging away from me in conversation because i didnt pick up social cues that they need to leave or becoming frustrated with me for not picking up on a subtle part within the conversation. i dont want to make things uncomfortable and actively try to limit these behaviours and adjust them for the sake of these poor people. but i know that even when they know this they will have that base reaction to someone in a social space acting outside the norm and that reaction will always be annoyance and discomfort. and the fact that i can't change that is miserable.

#im very lucky to have close friends online and irl who are either autistic as well #or (in raquels case) so used and somehow compatible with me despite being non-autistic that 7 years #i read as totally normal to her. which helps when we go out together #but theres people ive known for 10 years who react like how i fear no matter the love i know they feel for me. #who are biting their tongue and nodding along while i ramble through a sentence knowing they'll have to wait for me to stop talking #even when we get along and find each otber engaging 90% of the time #DONT even get me started on voice calls never forget that one big discord server i made some friends on but eventually left #because i could feel that i wasnt doing a good job at socializing and they were being kind to me but also humouring me at most #i follow some of them and they follow me #if u or anyone else who met me through discord server calls sees this tag hi youre very lovely and nice im trying #to get better at talking