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junker-town · 6 years

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NFL Dad, Week 8: Halloween is my daughter’s Super Bowl

Here’s what seven hours of RedZone is like when your two young kids can’t go outside because it’s raining.

As a lazy person, it’s hard to enjoy Halloween. When I was single, the thought and effort that a costume required always made me want to crawl in bed and hide from the holiday. Only the promise of alcohol and sexy costumes lured me into participation.

Kids have changed all that. As a parent, you get to spend WEEKS hyping up your kids for Halloween, brainstorming costume ideas, and talking about candy. The last part is especially fun, because my wife and I deprive our children of candy all year long. Cake? Sure, if there’s a party. A donut? Probably once a week. Ice cream? Well, maybe as a special treat. But candy almost never happens, save for the occasional lollipop at the doctor’s office. Halloween is their Super Bowl.

And even though trick-or-treating is only one night, we are getting some MILEAGE out of this year’s costumes — shark for my son (our choice), ghost for my daughter (her choice). Last Sunday, our friends had a Halloween-themed birthday party. On Friday, our nanny took the kids to a costume party. Monday: another Halloween party. Tuesday: daughter wears costume to school AND we’ve got trick-or-treating that night. I am getting to be a PRO at hand-washing chocolate out of these costumes. And I’m barely a day away from stealing half my kids’ candy after they go to bed Tuesday night.

So much of the parent experience is trading away the things you used to love to do for soul-filling love and constant exhaustion; it’s a surprise and a delight when the trade is suddenly enjoying something you never liked as an adult.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— RedZone has seven early games on the docket today, and Scott Hanson shows us the lineup in OCTOBOX format, with the eighth box a weather map of the Eastern seaboard. The forecast: lots of rain.

— It’s raining here in New York, too. I took some photos of my kids in their rain slickers, but I’m not going to share them because my son’s hair looks like Jon Gruden’s. And maybe Gruden’s OK being seen in public with that hair, but I’m going to raise my children better than that.

Maybe Gruden’s OK being seen with that haircut, but I’m going to raise my children better than that.

Incidentally, I took the photos on the way to get his hair cut. I asked for a low fade and the barber gave him a high fade that wasn’t blended very well, so he ended up with the preferred haircut of stylish soccer players and media-savvy Nazis. And let me be crystal clear: My 18-month-old son is not a neo-Nazi. He doesn’t even have a Reddit account.

— The Saints’ Alvin Kamara scores the first touchdown of the day, and I reject this world where Drew Brees relies on a competent running game. THROW FOR 5000 YARDS OR RETIRE!

I like Kamara, though. I’m not messing with anyone whose name is a jiu-jitsu submission.

— I put my daughter down for her nap, and when I come back to the living room, Melvin Gordon is running untouched for an 87-yard TD to give the Chargers an early 7-0 lead over the Pats. I picked the Chargers at +7 today, so this pleases me.

HE WILL GO ALL THE WAY!@melvingordon25. 87 yards to the HOUSE. #Chargers http://pic.twitter.com/mOTI7SKWm9

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

— I’m a little worried about my daughter’s nap. We’re potty-training her right now — she’s behind schedule, I KNOW, the broken collarbone really set us back — and she wouldn’t pee on the little toddler potty before her nap. She hasn’t peed since we changed her overnight diaper and put her in undies this morning. You can lead a toddler to the potty, but you can’t make her pee.

So my wife and I tell her, “Hey, if you feel you have to go pee-pee, call us and we’ll help you use the potty.” But the last couple days, this has just led to a wet bed and more laundry. YAY, MORE LAUNDRY!

— Wait, we gotta talk about C.J. Beathard’s face. The camera cut to him and he BARELY had more confidence and composure than Bill Paxton in Aliens.

Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

You can smell the fear on him.

— With the score tied at 7 at MetLife, Matt Ryan loses a fumbled snap for the second time today that leads to a Jets field goal. I know it’s raining, but it’s also still the first half. Get your shit together, Falcons. Or don’t, I picked the Jets +4.5.

— Ah, I see the Colts are in the red zone. Time for a nap!

— I open my eyes 24 minutes later, and the only eye-raising change in scoring is in New England, where the Pats have improved from a 7-7 lead to take the lead, 12-7. Apparently, Travis Benjamin crapped his brain out of his butt in the middle of a punt return.

Worth it for the refs signaling safety at the exact same time, though.

— I’m typing today with a Band-Aid on my right index finger, having sliced my fingertip with a pumpkin saw while carving our jack-o’-lantern the night before. No medical attention needed, but I lost a little flap of skin that has me playing through pain today. I’m a gamer, though. Don’t worry about it affecting the column.

— Cincinnati, playing at home against the Colts, has had a lackluster first half, but this Joe Mixon screen is electric.

.@andydalton14 finds @Joe_MainMixon and he nearly goes the distance! #Bengals50 http://pic.twitter.com/saSRSZiC9C

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

That sets up a short touchdown to A.J. Green to tie the game at 10.

POINT OF ORDER: I will be actively avoiding this game the rest of the afternoon. These teams are butt. Also, I have yet to mention Carolina-Tampa Bay at all today. That is not an accident.

— Josh McCown tosses a gorgeous sideline throw to Robby Anderson, who got past Desmond Trufant. It’s 17-10 Jets, and if they win today I’m calling it: The Falcons are trapped in a body-swap movie.

— This morning I went to church with my family, and this may surprise you, but toddlers aren’t really wired for an hour of Catholic mass. I took the kids out to the adjoining courtyard so they could burn off some steam. The rain had let up but it was still wet, so naturally they both immediately fell on their faces/butts and got soaked.

They kept playing, though. The key feature of the courtyard was a four-foot ramp at a 15- or 20-degree angle. My daughter ran down it repeatedly, each time saying, “I shoot down the slide!” My son is also eager to run down the ramp, but he’s only a year and a half old — he’s barely mastered walking. He’s all desire, no skill.* So I stage at the bottom of the ramp and catch him before he can eat a face full of concrete.

*This sentence also sums up my athletic career after the age of 11.

Every generation has its Ted Ginn.

— The Bills score a defensive touchdown to open up a commanding lead on the Raiders, then Steven Hauschka forces a fumble on the ensuing kickoff. And I saw a lot of love and surprise on Twitter — “Wow! The kicker!” — but not nearly enough people were pointing at the exquisitely talented doofus who fumbled: Cordarrelle Patterson. He can’t do something awesome without disappointing you the following week. Every generation has its Ted Ginn, it seems.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— My wife is taking the lead on tonight’s dinner, a pot roast recipe from Ina Garten. Now, I love Ina Garten; she’s a total boss. But if you’re going to try a recipe of hers, know that:

It will require a cut of meat that costs a staggering amount of money. “I go to my butcher and get four pounds of filet...” (Recipe serves 2.)

It will require about 150% of the work in any other cookbook to taste maybe 10% better. Related: Ina Garten does not have children.

She will demand that you use “good olive oil.” It is never just “olive oil.” Ina suspects you have cheap olive oil and a separate bottle of good stuff for special occasions. Guess what, bitch? EVERY INA GARTEN RECIPE IS A SPECIAL OCCASION. Don’t disrespect her art with shitty olive oil!

— Behold, the majesty of a Philip Rivers pump fake:

Let’s check in on Philip Rivers http://pic.twitter.com/MbkDJysXMe

— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) October 29, 2017

Rivers recovered his own fumble (the least he could do after forcing it), and on the very next play, he hucks it downfield. When the ball re-enters the atmosphere, there is one Chargers receiver on the screen, and SIX Patriots defenders.

Next play: Throws into sextuple coverage http://pic.twitter.com/Yhbo2I2EhU

— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) October 29, 2017

I love that intense weirdo SO MUCH. The Philip Rivers Quarterback Experience is like if the star of the debate team also had Tourette’s.

— My wife: “You picked great leeks, Matt.” Hell yeah I did! I have an eye for fine produce. But chopping four leeks and two large onions in a small apartment with all the bedroom doors closed is tough sledding for people with sensitive eyes. I open a window three inches; rain INSTANTLY soaks five children’s books on the sill.

— With the Bears trailing 14-3, Mitchell Trubisky throws to Zach Miller, who makes a great catch for the touchdown! Oh no, Miller stays down. Seems hurt. OH GOD I SAW THE REPLAY. Look away from the TV! Look at the computer! OH GOD I SAW THE GIF. UGHUGHGHHHHHH. (Update: Miller almost lost his leg due to vascular damage. Jesus.)

Dude, I JUST saw Gordon Hayward’s ankle snapped on live TV a few days ago. Hey, sports? Can we go a week or two without maiming someone, please?

AND THEY OVERTURNED THE TOUCHDOWN. WTF, YOU REFS ARE ANIMALS.

If you break your leg on the catch it should be a catch

— Evil Dead 2 Magary (@drewmagary) October 29, 2017

If you break your leg while even vaguely holding onto the ball it should always be ruled a catch

— Pablo S. Torre (@PabloTorre) October 29, 2017

— My daughter calls us, much more urgently than she usually does after her nap. My wife rushes in. Incredibly, my kid held her piss in throughout her nap, and actually used the potty. HUZZAH!

Even more incredibly, she didn’t pee between 7:00 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. NOT GREAT. We’re gonna have to get better about that or next week’s column is gonna be about bladder infections.

— Here’s a cool Alshon Jeffery touchdown:

"GET OFF ME." - @TheWorldof_AJ, probably. Touchdown, @Eagles! #FlyEaglesFly http://pic.twitter.com/aMeckAYr3i

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

Consider that the shot that puts this one away for the Eagles. And now a 49ers chaser:

Fun stat: 49ers have only won three of their last 27 games, all of them against the Rams.

— Vince Mancini (@Filmdrunk) October 29, 2017

— I have a note that just says, “rasperries and laughter,” but I no longer remember the specific context. I think my daughter was laughing because my son was trying to blow raspberries on her, so I pulled up his shirt and blew raspberries on his stomach, causing him to shriek with laughter. That sounds right, but I could be mixing that up with other memories.

(I should note that in between writing that three-word note and trying to expand it into a paragraph, I watched Texans-Seahawks and Game 5 of the World Series. My brain has been puréed into a sports smoothie with an Adrenaline Boost™. A day later, I only see my two children in the context of lead changes. Great hug! I love THIS one more now!)

— On 3rd and goal, Matt Ryan scrambles to his left and finds Mohammed Sanu at the back of the end zone to give the Falcons a 22-17 lead. Ryan then fumbles the snap on the two-point conversion. Even when the Falcons are winning this year, they do it in the least convincing way possible.

Even when the Falcons are winning, they do it in the least convincing way.

— My wife takes the dog for a walk in the rain, as well as the kettlebell with legs that passes for my younger child. My daughter cuddles next to me on the couch. I put my arm around her and give her context about the teams on the field (“Do you know what a buccaneer is?” —No. “A buccaneer is a pirate”), but mostly, we sit together quietly. This is approximately as content and fulfilled as I can be.

— PERSONAL GAMBLING HELL UPDATE: The Jets, trailing 22-20, are about to get the ball back late in the game and look like excellent candidates to cover the 4.5-point spread. They fumble the punt because they’re the GODDAMN IDIOT JETS. The Falcons OF COURSE kick a field goal to go up by five. New York will have a chance to win the game if they can go 90 yards with no timeouts in 50 seconds, but I don’t need to give you the details on why that doesn’t work out.

The Pats kick a field goal to take an eight-point lead with one minute remaining, and I agonize over the Chargers’ mistakes that will cost them a cover: Benjamin’s idiotic safety, a failed two-point conversion. I am SO happy I don’t put actual money on these games. I would ruin my family.

The Saints have the ball, a five-point lead, and a pressing need for one more score to cover 9 points at home. Stupid Bears. There’s a glimmer of hope after Brees throws a bomb downfield, but shortly after Mark Ingram loses a fumble — his second of the game — and the Bears have a chance to win. (The Bears do not capitalize. The Saints kick a field goal at the end of the game to push the lead to 8. THANKS FOR NOTHING, JERK-ASS.)

— A Bengals defensive lineman makes an incredible play for a pick-6 that gives Cincy the lead. This game is still butt, but at least it’s functionally over.

— Wife and son and dog are back, and I dry my dog off with an old towel. When Stella gets wet, she obsesses over drying off. She gleefully wags her entire body into the towel, and she rubs her face in between my legs to dry her face off.

Yes, a 65-pound dog shoving its face under your crotch is disconcerting.

And in case you’re wondering, a 65-pound dog forcefully shoving her face under your crotch is SUPER disconcerting. I’ve had her for a decade, so I’m used to it now, but she’s also done it to strangers before. It’s a helluva way to meet your neighbors.

— Philip Rivers has no timeouts and a running clock to get a touchdown. And if you thought the self-fumble and sextuple-coverage heave was his two-play highlight of the day, AU CONTRAIRE. T’was merely an appetizer for this delicacy:

Philip Rivers emphatically celebrating a spike with 1 second left is the most Philip Rivers thing I've seen since Week 1 #Chargers http://pic.twitter.com/SOXBeKM78I

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) October 29, 2017

The next and final play is an interception floated into the arms of a Pats defender. In fact, there seem to be about five Patriots closer to making a play on the ball than the nearest Charger.

Philip Rivers losing it dot gif http://pic.twitter.com/oSpwAlCBPX

— Vikings Blogger (@firstandskol) October 29, 2017

I’m gonna miss that guy when he’s gone.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— With six teams on bye, there are only two late games for RedZone to toggle between: Texans-Seahawks and Cowboys-Washington. They’re good games, but at some point I’d almost prefer a commercial break to Scott Hanson narrating sponsored highlights. “No commercials here on RedZone! And now for Fantasy Feedback, presented by Genesis.”

— As a Seahawks fan, I’m cautiously optimistic about today. I think the offense will perform well, and the run defense can bottle up Lamar Miller. I expect DeAndre Hopkins to win a couple battles versus Richard Sherman, but over the course of the game, I expect the defense and crowd to be a little too much for a rookie quarterback, even one as good as Deshaun Watson.

My biggest concern early is actually Will Fuller. If the Texans can get him the ball early, before the Seahawks have a chance to adjust to how fast he is ... oh look, RedZone’s flipping to Seattle now.

.@deshaunwatson goes DEEEEEP. And @Will_Fuller7 gets behind the LOB for SIX. #Texans http://pic.twitter.com/vDFvZPVeiG

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

CRAP.

— The Texans continue to movie the ball with ease, but on 3rd and 10 with the Texans in field goal range, Earl Thomas jumps a route and takes it for six the other way.

Know where @Earl_Thomas is on the field at ALL times... PICK-6. #Seahawks #LOB http://pic.twitter.com/j4EZXZHlMs

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

Any time there’s an interception in the secondary, the analysts always say how the defensive back read the quarterback’s eyes. But there’s more to it than that:

Texans lined up Hopkins in the slot to get Sherman in space, Thomas had a pretty strong idea of where the ball was going.

— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) October 29, 2017

Earl Thomas benefits from instincts and speed that most safeties would kill for, but he’s not just reading a quarterback’s eyes. Formations, route combinations, down and distance, and a quarterback’s tendencies all get plugged into a pre-snap calculus that helps Thomas figure out where the ball’s likely to go before the QB has even made a decision.

I’m not the kind of guy who watches All-22, but Earl Thomas makes me want to.

— Washington is wearing throwback uniforms, and I’m annoyed that their burgundies don’t match.

Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

The jerseys are damn near purple, and while that may be partly due to the rain, the gold numbers are also markedly different than the yellow on the helmets.

And to you homers getting ready to mansplain it: I already KNOW that the NFL doesn’t let teams change their base helmets for any uniform. It’s a bad rule, and these uniforms look like ass because of it.

(Washington could have dealt with this by making the throwbacks match today’s helmets. All the old photos are black and white, who cares if the hue is historically accurate? I mean, if you want REALLY accurate Washington throwbacks, only the white players should wear them. Just the way George Marshall intended!)

— In an attempt to lessen our laundry workload by one percent, my wife tries to trick our daughter into organizing a pile of her socks into pairs. My daughter instantly recognizes that it’s a chore and hurls the socks around the room, resulting in one percent more work for us.

— Trailing 14-7, the Seahawks challenge a 3rd-and-2 incomplete pass. Russell Wilson had his throwing motion disrupted by Jadeveon Clowney, and Pete Carroll wants it ruled a fumble — the ball went downfield and was recovered by tight end Luke Willson.

This game is powered by hallucinogenic speedballs.

After review, the refs agree: First down, Seahawks. Finally, the Seahawks’ “Let defensive linemen assault our quarterback” offense is starting to pay off.

On the next play, Wilson throws a touchdown to Paul Richardson. It’s 14-14 in the first quarter, and this game is powered by hallucinogenic speedballs.

— The Cowboys go for it on 4th and 1 a few yards short of midfield. They’re down 10-7 early in the game — the circumstances aren’t dire, but it’s the sort of situation where the numbers say GO FOR IT while football coaches scream PUNT. It’s good to see Jason Garrett is willing to let his kickass line and Zeke Elliott execute those favorable odds. The Cowboys get the first.

— MIRACLE: Both of my kids are eating their dinner without complaint or hesitation. They ignore the TV to pay attention to the Halloween book my wife is reading. Years from now, when their grade school teacher praises their attention spans, I’m gonna get up in the middle of the parent-teacher conference and do Mick Jagger’s rooster strut.

— Crap, Will Fuller has another TD. Look at this awesome play design:

ANOTHER @Will_Fuller7 TD grab in Seattle! #Texans http://pic.twitter.com/4WroLy1s7A

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

Fuller now has seven touchdowns on, like, four catches this season.

Moments later, Russell Wilson responds with a downfield heave that Tanner McEvoy hauls in for a 53-yards gain. That sets up Paul Richardson’s second touchdown. Tie game again, 21-21.

— Washington kicks a field goal to go up 13-7. Or maybe 13-10? I dunno, it’s hard to pay much attention to this game. Dallas-Washington is like a football game in the rain when the other viewing option is a burning fireworks factory.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— Can I cut the bullshit for a second? I do not want to be a Seahawks fan narrating play-by-play for the game of the year that the Seahawks end up winning. That would be very fun to do for our Seahawks blog, but that’s more hollerin’ than I’d feel good about for this here national site.

From a slightly more objective viewpoint, I want to point out that the highlight package from this game is MORE THAN 12 MINUTES LONG. I’m going to embed the video even though the NFL usually blocks it from being played on any site but YouTube. That’s how good it is.

youtube

OK, back to diary mode. I promise: Minimal fist-pumping from here on out.

— After a sack pushes the Texans out of field goal range, Watson faces 3rd and 14. All he does is calmly avoid pressure, set up his downfield blocking (RIP Justin Coleman), and get just enough for the first down.

Patience. @DeshaunWatson sets up his blocking, rushes for first down. #Texans http://pic.twitter.com/lpLeEzEcnx

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

The Texans kick a field goal and retake the lead.

— The pot roast sauce is boiling, and my wife is busy giving our daughter a bath. I bring it down to a simmer, add a butter/flour mixture to thicken the sauce, and remove the scorched wood-handled spatula from its proximity to the burner. Man, a kitchen fire would have really spiced the end of this column up, huh?

— The Seahawks TWICE have to settle for field goals despite having the ball inside the Texans’ 5-yard line, and even though they have their first lead of the day, it feels like a missed opportunity. There’s no chance the Texans are done scoring touchdowns.

— Washington loses a fumble, and somewhere while I was paying attention to the better game, the Cowboys seized control of this game. With a better line and a better running game, the away team looks unlikely to cede the lead.

When the camera cuts to the sidelines, everyone looks miserable. And I don’t just mean the home team, I mean EVERYONE: the players, the fans, the camera operators, the refs. It’s SO MUCH rain. Playing sports in the rain can be fun, but I can’t imagine watching it for three hours while standing in a deluge. Not without Wellingtons, dry-fit winter socks, and three Camelbaks of whiskey and hot cider.

— I’ve been pausing RedZone on and off so I can help with the kids’ bedtime routine — bath time, pajamas, brushing teeth, etc. By the time they go to bed, the Cowboys are up by ten with a quarter to play, and there are 11 minutes left in the Texans-Seahawks game.

Rather than go haymaker-by-haymaker, I’m going to add up the numbers: In the final 11 minutes of that game, there are five plays of 34 yards or more, four touchdowns, and two interceptions. That’s half a season for the Browns!

— The pot roast is pretty good, by the way. Our entire apartment smells like red wine and red meat. Probably not worth the cost or the effort (in other words, a typical Ina Garten recipe), but this will be the foundation of three meals for us this week. Pre-made meals are the cornerstone of a good marriage when you have kids.

— Trailing by four, the Seahawks have 1:39 and no timeouts to get a touchdown. They go 80 yards in three plays. Paul Richardson goes up and steals a 48-yard bomb, Tyler Lockett snags a 19-yarder, and Jimmy Graham goes uncovered on the game-winning score. As a wildly cynical Seahawks fan, I am agog at the ease and speed with which they pull it off; I barely had time to worry about failure before they took the lead.

The defense does much the same thing: With two timeouts and 21 seconds, a game-tying field goal isn’t out of the question for the Texans -- it might even be an easy assumption given this game. But Frank Clark sacks Watson on first down, and Richard Sherman’s second pick ends the game. What an absolutely incredible game.

Two of the best in the game. #Seahawks #Texans http://pic.twitter.com/hlQx2dzYci

— NFL (@NFL) October 29, 2017

— It has come to my attention that I started Dak Prescott over Russell Wilson in fantasy football. WHOOPS.

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