#if you’re talking to a child or a teenager you gotta get in their headspace and understand where they’re coming from

[polyamorouspixie]

on age gaps

Right, we gotta talk about this. Elsewhere on the internet I saw an 18yo asking for advice regarding a man in his forties and his girlfriend in her twenties, who had approached the 18yo on Tinder and were intending on her losing her virginity with them. 

I was the only one commenting who did not encourage her to go through with this.

There is a lot to unpack here. 

I’m going to start by saying, teenagers of Tumblr, I know you’re not going to like a lot of what I say. I’m 31, but I remember being your age and that’s how I know this stuff. I don’t mean any of it as an insult, simply a fact. I want you to be armed with the information to be able to make informed choices about your life. 

I want to quickly point out that because it’s the most common occurrence, I’m going to mostly refer to older men trying to get involved with younger women, but of course people of any gender can be abusers and people of any gender can fall prey to that. If you’re a 17yo boy who has a woman in her fifties chasing you, this definitely all applies to you.

So where to start. In the original post that inspired this one, she said “what’s so wrong with two adults wanting to teach another adult about sex?”

Now, an 18yo is an adult. But there are different kinds of adult. 

An 18yo is a BABY adult. Adulthood isn’t achieved in one day; it takes time to become one.

Here is a list of things you generally learn between the ages of 18 and 25, probably the most important growing up stage (you know how they say “you really start to learn to drive once you’ve passed your test”? You’re out on your own now, the real learning begins): --how to keep a home liveable, clean and stocked up. --how to support yourself financially --how to physically pay bills, set up services and organise money --how to solve financial problems, DIY problems, emotional problems, and other issues without involving a Grownup --how to cope with illness by yourself --how to cope with a financial Disaster like losing a job --how to talk to Adults who are not your peers without subconsciously seeing them as an Authority Figure --how to have authority figures without subconsciously resorting to obedient child or rebellious child headspace --how to be independent from your parents --how you feel about alcohol, and if you want to use it, how to use it moderately --how to cope with the end of a relationship --how to tell a partner what you want from them, reinforce boundaries, tell them you’re unhappy with some of their behaviour without being afraid it will end the relationship

Those are the things that separate a young adult from a general adult. A lack of confidence and skill in many of those areas makes a person vulnerable to abuse, especially from someone older with an established career and home. Simply put: if someone has resources and you don’t, you subconsciously feel they are an authority figure, and you are not practised in reinforcing your boundaries in relationships, you are not in a position to consent to a relationship with them. 

I get it. Teenage and early twenties boys are crap. They’re morons. They love farting and videogames and they treat women like prizes. I accidentally fell into relationships with men all my adult life, but I didn’t know I was attracted to them until I was in my late twenties, and I suspect before that maybe I wasn’t. But if you’re looking for maturity, you won’t find it in a man past his early twenties who is okay with dating teenagers. 

Adult men do not just happen to run into young girls all the time. If you see an older man on any dating website or app: he has deliberately set his preferences to show women of your age. My Tinder range is 24-40, and I tend to go “eurgh” at the under 25s anyway. Because those people are in the same period of their life as me, they have similar knowledge, understanding and experience. I have friends who are in their early twenties and they are awesome people. But they also have extremely poor relationship skills simply due to lack of experience and I would not like to date them. And when I talk to people at work who are that age, (once they realise I’m not the same age as them, I’m really babyfaced): they treat me as if I know things purely by being older than them. I’m not a higher authority than them, but if I give them commands, they do it. They ask me questions on the assumption that I know everything a manager would know. I bet they don’t even realise they do this; I didn’t when I was their age. So we know that any older man finding young girls on dating apps is deliberately seeking them; we know if he meets them in the workplace there is a serious power imbalance. Other than that the most common way these guys meet women is by seeking out hobbies and social groups that attract teenage girls, so guess what? Predatory behaviour. 

Some of the reasons adult men seek teenage and early twenties girls and women: --younger women probably don’t know what good in bed looks like so they won’t call out the fact that he’s lazy and inconsiderate --they’re easier to groom into putting up with the kind of bad or even abusive behaviour a woman his own age would dump him for --they fetishize youth and innocence because they’re gross creeps who find the idea of willing consent a huge turnoff --they’re sexists who think women are prizes and objects that “expire” at 25 and are somehow soiled by having relationships instead of seeing that woman are beautiful, interesting and fascinating people throughout their entire lives --they are vile people who don’t give a toss about consent or having a relationship with someone who understands what that means and is his equal, and who wish they could date younger but don’t want to go to prison

If anyone dares come to me with some absolute guff about how it’s “just biology” to be attracted to teenage girls no matter your age, consider this: 1) humans can become pregnant up to and including during their forties and they aren’t “most fertile” at 15; they are still GROWING up to 25 and pregnancies in teenagers are dangerous 2) there are millions upon millions of people out there in happy relationships that cannot result in biological pregnancy for a multitude of reasons, and they are attracted to one another anyway 3) if you’re a man who uses Viagra and you’re making this argument I hope you stumble into an unexpected mine shaft.

I think once you get to your late twenties, the gap narrows between you and much older people because you’re experienced at being an adult, and I’m not going to judge a 50yo dating a 30yo unless he only dates 30 and under exclusively. At that point the power difference is minimised and the younger person can hold their own in that relationship. I’m not against age gaps as a concept; I’m just deeply worried about people who are the target of people who are attracted to them BECAUSE they are vulnerable, and don’t realise how unhealthy sexual and romantic relationships with older people are.

#polyamory #relationship advice #ranting

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

I am a teen girl and need some advice. I have a friend who I love dearly. She has the same rare connective tissue disorder I have so we have a lot in common. Recently she’s started leaving me on read almost every time I text her. She’s done it 23 times in the past 2 weeks and I’ve told her to stop and she says sorry but does it again. I love her so much but I’m feeling like I’m ready to be done with this relationship. It’s draining me emotionally. Idk what I should do. Help!

My honest answer is going to be an answer from my own experiences because that's really all I have to go off of, so bear with me.

As I'm sure you know from experience, being chronically ill, especially so young, is exhausting, sometimes overwhelming, & sometimes depressing. I have periods of time (sometimes days, sometimes weeks) where it's just too much to deal with people, no matter how much I love them, on top of that.

When I was a teen & had one of those periods, I would just isolate myself from all human interaction that wasn't absolutely necessary without any sort of warning or anything. Now that I'm older, I will send the equivalent of an automated message to anyone who tries to get ahold of me letting them know that I just don't have it in me to interact with people right now & that I will let them know when I decide to be a person again. (Of course The Spawn is exempt from that, as it's literally my one job to be there for her.) So maybe she just needs a break from dealing with the day to day interactions & her illness. Obviously you can't just take a break from the illness but, so you take a break from whatever you can.

Or maybe she's going through some stuff. You guys, as teens in this day & age, have a load of stuff on your plates even without the added stress/weight of a chronic illness. Being a teenager is rough. You're trying to figure out who you are & what you want to do with your life. You're expected to act like an adult in some ways, but still get treated like a child in others. That's already a lot, but then dump a connective tissue disease on top of that & it becomes an even tougher experience. So maybe they've got some stuff going on that they haven't told you about for whatever reason (and that's their choice, gotta respect that).

The other thing that could be happening is maybe you're just growing apart. It happens to people of all ages, but is especially common in teens because you guys are all still growing as people, finding your footing in the world around you, & determining what kind of person you want to be. It sucks & it's hard, but unfortunately it's a fact of life.

Whichever scenario is the reason for her behavior right now, my advice for handling it would be to compose a genuine message letting her know that you feel like (or it seems like) maybe she needs some space right now so you are going to give her that but that you value her friendship & that the door is open for her to contact you when she's ready. That you hope she's ok & that if she ever needs to talk, you're there for her.

That puts the ball in her court so that if she really does just need a bit of a break, she doesn't feel smothered or annoyed by your messages (that's nothing personal, when I'm in that kind of headspace every time my phone makes a noise I get unreasonably annoyed) & she knows the option to message you when it passes is there. She will know this is an act of support not abandonment.

Additionally, this approach allows you to move on & not be so drained trying to have a conversation or check in with a friend who seems like she just wants to be left alone a bit. If one day she messages you out of the blue, then you guys can pick up where you left off. Just don't make her feel badly about it because that's not fair.

Now that I've written a freaking 652 page novel (I'm a bit wordy, I apologize but it won't ever change) I hope that I've helped in some way. Feel free to ask anything, any time. My only criteria is kindness.

[midnightiscoming-kasabian]

Kasabian: 'A minute ago we were 16 ... but we are still doing what we love'

25/05/17

It's 20 years since Kasabian started recording music in Serge Pizzorno's house. Ahead of a Belfast gig, the Leicester boys tell Joe Nerssessian how they went from being mere Britpop graduates to arguably the UK's biggest band.

Keep reading

In May 1997, as Tony Blair walked through the gates of Downing Street while the UK was revelling in Eurovision glory and Donald Trump was divorcing his second wife, two teenage boys, fresh from sitting their GCSEs, were sitting in a sunny bedroom in Leicester recording music.

Twenty years later and Labour are back in opposition, the UK's Eurovision efforts appear futile, and Mr Trump is the controversial leader of the free world. But those 16-year-olds? They've just scored their fifth consecutive number one album and, like they do almost every summer, are preparing to headline a major festival.

Love or hate Kasabian, they've confounded the cull of UK rock bands borne from Britpop. And with their latest record, For Crying Out Loud, arriving to critical and popular success, it's very difficult to ignore their longevity.

"It's mad that we had just left school," says Tom Meighan, sitting alongside his best friend of those two decades.

"It would have been this time almost exactly. It was during our GCSEs in April, in the early summer. I was working in a Doc Martens factory and I remember going to Serge's on the bus and we were recording. It was dead sunny outside - I can still smell the garden, I can see it all now, that was 20 years ago."

Sergio Pizzorno exhales. "Whoosh, gone."

Moments earlier, the pair could be found rifling through their publicist's CD collection. Meighan, with child-like abandon, grabbed at several "Texas! .... Rufus Wainwright ... Depeche Mode."

They are very different from each other, these two rock stars. The frontman leans forward and back again, eyes darting around the room. He quizzes Pizzorno on what to say and aims most responses at his bandmate, who is calmer, relaxed.

Meighan cackles madly in response to a question about the contrasting year they endured in 2016.

While the tall, skinny guitarist and songwriter wed his long-time girlfriend, Meighan split from his own long-term partner. He admits the upbeat nature of Pizzorno's writing on For Crying Out Loud kept him going.

"I don't know where I would be if I hadn't have heard Acid House or any of the beautiful songs that Serge has written," he says.

"It saved me, it really did. It gave me hope. Everything was negative in my life and it picked me up and gave me a new lease. I just needed it and something to focus on."

"I wrote the first 10 tracks really quickly", says Pizzorno as he volunteers an explanation of the album's journey.

"That's the key to what this album is. It's very concise and it is a feel good, uplifting record.

"I think if you make an album over a year, then you go through more ups and downs."

Notably, that short period early last year coincided with the band's beloved Leicester City upsetting all the odds and winning the Premier League title.

Meighan takes off where the guitarist left off. "Imagine if he'd written a depressing record?" he says. "I'd be s******* it."

The cheerful mantra of the album is insistent. As one reviewer wrote, it can feel a little like someone shouting "cheer up, love" down your ear for an hour. But it's largely been well received, although one negative was the reaction to You're In Love With A Psycho. A mental health charity called the use of 'psycho' and the track's accompanying video, which is set in a psychiatric ward, "damaging and disappointing".

Unaware he is mocking Donald Trump, Meighan calls their reaction "sad", while Pizzorno reasons, "It's how people round our way talk".

He adds: "It's (like) when I say to my missus, 'I'm gonna get home at 12 at night', and then I don't come home until Tuesday, and she rings her mates and says, 'Ah, he's gone psycho. I've not seen him all day'. They're taking it the wrong way."

At this point Meighan, perhaps reminded so much of his school days by the talk of 1997, appears to return to the classroom as he asks for permission to visit the toilet before remembering himself and, chuckling, wanders off.

A few weeks before the album's release, the band took over Kentish Town Forum for a three-night residency and will headline Reading and Leeds festivals for the second time in August where they tease a "surprise" is in store, but won't elaborate. They've also headlined Glastonbury twice.

In an era where UK bands are struggling to top the bills on the biggest stage, what do they think about the lack of guitar groups?

"It's beyond a massacre... devastation, honestly mate," says Pizzorno.

"To headline a festival you need four or five big albums, you can't just have one album and go, 'Waah I'm not headlining'.

"Well f****** write another good album, then write another one then write another one. Then when you headline you've f****** got 15 songs that are massive. You can't go on there with one good song because you're done."

Meighan, who has returned, interrupts: "You've gotta remember it's not just purely your fans. If you go out there like a small man, you get found out.

"But you just feel like a god, like a leader. Nothing can touch that. You feel like a giant."

Pizzorno differs. He has had to learn to enjoy the performance side, for which he developed a headspace he slides into in the walk from dressing room to stage.

The four-piece have headlined a festival every year bar one since 2010, and 20 years together have taken their toll.

"For every year we've been doing this," Pizzorno says, "we've lived five in that year, so we've lived 100 years".

"F****** hell, yeah", agrees Meighan.

"A minute ago we were 16 years old," he laughs, reflecting. "But we wouldn't still be doing it if we didn't love it."

Belfast Telegraph

#kasabian #interviews #belfast telgraph 25.05.17 #interviews 2017

[newsbiteswithjennysok]

Nov 13, 2019

1. Demi Lovato appears to be off the market. The “Sorry Not Sorry” singer posted a photo of model Austin Wilson giving her a kiss on Instagram Tuesday night with the caption, “My [heart emoji].”

Wilson, 25, also shared another mirror selfie of him and Lovato, 27, with the caption, “My love.” Fans and friends of the pop star immediately congratulated her on her new relationship.

Actress Debra Messing commented under the photo, “Gorgeous.” Stylist Maeve Reilly wrote, “Ohhhh there they are.” It is unclear how long Lovato and Wilson have been dating or how they met. A rep for Lovato could not be reached for comment.

However, Wilson recently shared a tribute on Instagram to Lovato’s friend Thomas — who died in October after a battle with addiction — so it seems Wilson and Lovato share the same circle of friends. Lovato was most recently linked to “Bachelorette” alum Mike Johnson. The pair shared a few flirty exchanges on social media over the summer, but the romance ultimately fizzled out after Johnson, 31, opened up about their private dates and revealed Lovato is a “really good kisser.” Lovato also famously dated Wilmer Valderrama for six years, but the couple split in June 2016. They have remained good friends.

2. Lamar Odom’s son, Lamar Morales-Odom Jr., called out his dad on Instagram following the former NBA baller’s announcement that he is engaged to Sabrina Parr.

“Not a [text] or phone call to see how people who’ve known this dude his whole life, to see how we would feel or react,” Morales-Odom, 17, wrote in a now-deleted Instagram comment Monday night. “knew shawty for 4 months and already got you twisted, fam n friends already don’t approve of homegirl but she already got your ass in a sunken place. Shame family gotta find out on social media but that’s been how life been all the time as a son of an odom.”

The former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, 40, took to Instagram to reveal his engagement, apparently before sharing the news with family and friends.In an apology from his son, the young Odom recognizes he went too far while admitting his frustration with being kept out of important events and decisions in his father’s life.

“Last night I was emotional seeing my father got engaged through social media,” Morales-Odom wrote Tuesday morning. “I was hurt and caught off guard. At the end of the day, I am a teenager, that is becoming a young man. I have to be responsible for what I post, I have nothing but love for my dad and want what’s best for him.”

3. 'They deserve each other!' Kanye West comes under fire for taking his Sunday Service to the Houston megachurch of controversial televangelist Joel Osteen. Kanye West will take his Sunday Service to televangelist Joel Osteen's Houston-based Lakewood Church this week.The rapper has come under fire for teaming up with the controversial preacher, who has been criticized for reaping in millions in donations every year, yet failed to help those most in need on their doorstep.

Osteen famously refused to open the doors to the megachurch, which has space for at least 16,000, to evacuees of Hurricane Harvey. Critics joked that Kanye, who is also no stranger to controversy and once called slavery a 'choice', teaming up with the televangelist was 'an early warning sign of the apocalypse.' Many said the pair 'deserved each other.'

West and a choir will perform in the 7pm Sunday Service at the religious institution, Donald Iloff, Jr., a spokesperson for the church, told the Houston Chronicle Tuesday. West, 43, and Osteen, 56, will chat earlier at the 11am service Sunday for about 15-20 minutes, Iloff said, adding Osteen 'will talk about Kanye’s journey to his faith.'

4. Sarah Palin and Todd Palin‘s divorce after 31 years of marriage just got even more shocking. The 2008 vice presidential candidate, 55, revealed in an interview with Christian broadcaster Dr. James Dobson, that she learned the news from an email sent by one of Todd’s attorney — not from her husband of over three decades. Todd, as HollywoodLife previously told you, filed for divorce on his 55th birthday, September 6. But the initial email from Todd’s attorney came in June, according to the former Alaska governor. “I found out from an email from an attorney saying that she was hired and that was on June 19th, I’ll never forget it,” Sarah said in her November 12 interview with Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk. Then on Todd’s birthday, a week after our 31st anniversary is when he filed, yeah. Oh, yeah. It’s not easy to talk about.”

Sarah and her five kids whom she shares with Todd, were understandably distraught by his decision. “It was devastating. I thought I got shot,” she confessed in her interview. “I’m sure so many of you either — maybe you’ve been through [divorce] or you have people whom you love — you’ve witnessed how horrible it is. But I just think, wow, maybe except for the death of a child, I don’t know what could be more… Yeah, it hurts.” But despite these two egregious acts, Sarah told the Christian author that they’re not finalizing their divorce just yet. “It’s not over yet… we’re going through counseling now, so it’s not over, over,” she said. “Attorneys are getting rich off of us and I don’t like that whole system. It makes no sense to me.”

Sarah and Todd eloped and had five kids together — Bristol, Willow, Track, Piper, and Trigg, as well as give grandchildren. At 11-years-old, Trigg is their only minor, and the couple share joint custody. She mentioned that their children are not happy with what they’re “witnessing,” motivating her and Todd to work on their marriage. Todd’s divorce papers cite “incompatibility of temperament between the parties such that they find it impossible to live together as husband and wife.”

5. Tamra Judge attended therapy with her 33-year-old son Ryan Vieth in the Nov. 12 episode of ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ and they both emotionally opened up about their rough past as mother and son.

It was an intense episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County on Nov. 12 and it all had to do with Tamra Judge, 52, and her son Ryan Vieth, 33. The concerned mother joined Ryan for a therapy session with Dr. Mcayla Sarno in a powerful scene and admitted she feels like she let him down when he was growing up and has fears about his unhappiness now. The reality star encouraged Ryan to go to therapy earlier in the season of the show after he admitted to feeling stuck and she was invited to attend one of his sessions to discuss their relationship.

“He’s not in a good headspace and I hate to see him struggle,” Tamra said in the episode. “I feel like he’s at a point in his life when he’s just numb to life. When Ryan gets overloaded with things, he just kind of shuts down. He’s at that point in his life right now where he’s not happy, and I want to see him happy.”

She became emotional when Dr. Sarno asked her to describe what it was like for Ryan growing up, which led to her admitting her guilt. “I was 17 when I got pregnant with Ryan,” she explained in a shaky, tearful voice. “I was still in high school.” She went on to talk about getting married to Ryan’s father and it lasting “probably a year”.

“Ryan and I were alone, the two of us, for 13 years” she continued. “I carry guilt ’cause I feel like I let him down. I look at my kids now and the opportunities that they have. I got two kids in college now. Ryan never… He ran out of the house at 18 ’cause he couldn’t stand his stepdad. He doesn’t want to be controlled, he doesn’t want to be told what to do, so he fights life.”

In an on-camera interview, Ryan also admitted to feeling resentment toward his other siblings because although he didn’t have the worst life, he feels they received more opportunities than he did. After raising Ryan alone, Tamra married her second husband, Simon Barney in 1998 and had three children with him, including Sidney Barney, 20, Spencer Barney, 18, and Sophia Barney, 13, before they divorced in 2011.

Ryan became a father four years ago when his daughter, Ava, was born from a previous relationship and Tamra also touched upon how seeing him with his own child affects her. “You are a good dad,” she said to him as they both cried in the session. “But I see that he’s putting all of his energy — all of it — into her. He is so troubled by his past that he doesn’t want her to have that life. “I can look at my son’s eyes and see he’s just not himself,” she later said in a confessional. “He just wants to protect this little girl so much, like just smother her, and he doesn’t let other people in. He isolates himself with Ava, and it’s starting to concern me.”

Perhaps the most emotional part of the session was when Dr. Sarno read Ryan’s written down beliefs to Tamra. “I’m a bad person, worthless. I’m a failure. Can’t succeed. Powerless. I don’t belong. I don’t matter,” the list read. “It just makes me wanna die,” Tamra responded in her confessional. “I worry that one day Ryan might commit suicide. That’s my biggest, biggest fear.” Tamra later told her husband Eddie Judge, 46, about the session and praised his wife even though she was clearly upset about the difficult situation. “Tamra’s a great mom with all her children. Every kid is different,” he said on camera. “Some need to be coddled, some need to be motivated, some need a kick in the ass. When you’re struggling with your childhood issues as a man, I don’t think you’re a man, k? So just get over it, move on, grow up, take care of your responsibilities. That’s life.”