#im already so tired that i cant rly cope with Life and this is pushing me over the edge like i am beyond coping rn

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

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#ANYWAY since i already overshare on here always! #my period is late and i am having a panic attack! #i am so paranoid and im feeling rly bad #im also insanely stupid! #for getting so worked up #please dont continue reading if u ever want to look me in the eyes irl #he did stick a hand down my pants over my underwear and i am vaguely hysterical now #worried he uhhhh adjusted himself and then touched me with uh unprecedented side effects #i doubt it but theres a ridiculous gnawing voice in my head! #and im also like. sick of him trying to stick his hand in my pants. and ive told him several times like nah buddy and he keeps trying it! #once this stupid panic is over i will tell him in a normal clear way that i want that to stop #in general i just hate my body so much rn #ive had a lot of stress lately and i dont think ive had this amount of stress #for ages and when i last had it i was still on the pill which kept my cycle regular obviously #but now im Concerned because I've never had this before #hence bizarre panic about nonsense #but idrk what to do now lol #im already so tired that i cant rly cope with Life and this is pushing me over the edge like i am beyond coping rn #literally if anyone has any wisdom.... pls

[magical-agatha]

vent. dont reblog.

its not supposed to be a big deal if ur friends forget ur birthday and i know i shouldnt take it to heart but it does suck and for me in particular who has a rly hard time feeling like i matter and is like. rly desperate to matter to my friends. its hard not to be hurt. but i also feel like im being dumb. and i dont know how fair or reasonable im being. i dont know how to tell if being hurt that my friends didnt remember my birthday is a rational response or not. i dont know how to tell if anything i feel at all is rational and reasonable. i feel like im not allowed to have feelings or i shouldnt let myself have them or let them get out bc theyll just be wrong and unfair and irrational. and ppl will get sick of me. if they arent already. i hate having bpd. i hate that i have to worry about if im being irrational or not. bc theres no way for me to tell. all i can do is feel what im feeling. but im not allowed to do that bc my feelings are wrong. im tired and scared and im constantly a mess. i cry so much. almost daily. and im sick all the time. but i cant be content with being alone i have to want friends and wanting friends means wanting to be liked and wanting to matter and inevitably feeling like i dont matter. bc of little things. and bc it feels like im the only one trying. and maybe thats fine maybe we’re not a good fit or something. but i want to be friends with ppl. i want to keep trying. bc i want them to try too. bc i want to matter to them. maybe i do and maybe they are trying and im just missing all the signs. i dont know what to do or think. im so confused. it hurts and i want to run away. but running away doesnt work. running away means ‘im hurting pls come after me so i know i matter to you’ but it doesnt work like that. ppl dont chase you bc if u leave they think that means ur upset with them or want to be alone. so they give u space. and now you feel even more worthless bc of a misunderstanding and a lack of communication. my brain keeps urging me to run away and self isolate and i know that isnt a solution so im trying not to do it. but i dont know what the solution is. so its getting harder to resist the urge. and sometimes running away is cathartic. crying is cathartic. but catharsis doesnt work much anymore. bc the problems dont go away. so for me where i am catharsis is basically just a very brief respite. before all the feelings come back and it hurts again. bc nothing is solved. the problems are still there. and i dont know what to do. so i do nothing. i just cry and hurt and run away and then i come back when i feel a bit better. and then i feel worse. and it all repeats. i feel so stupid. its august. we wanted to move out before my birthday but we havent been able to. ive been at my limit for months. im basically just stretching my limit as far as i can trying to make it work and survive bc we will get out eventually and i just need to survive until then. no matter how. i just have to survive. somehow. and every time i feel like i cant go any further like i cant stretch my limit further and i cant cope anymore. every time i feel like im slipping and this is the end and im about to give up. i dont. i stretch it further and i cope. bc i dont have a choice. but im sure this is all doing so much damage to me. its not normal to cry so much ur constantly congested. i had a meltdown yesterday and punched a hole in my bedroom wall bc the limit broke and i couldnt stop myself. either i hit myself or i hit the wall. i scratched up my hand on the plaster as it went thru but i didnt break anything like i did the last time. i havent done that in years and i hate doing it. it makes me feel so ashamed. but at least now i know that its just a symptom of being pushed way past my limit and not being able to cope. my grandmother had been harassing me all day and id been stressing about someone and crying and very very depressed and then i dropped the vanilla slice i had got as a treat to make myself feel a bit better and suddenly it was all too much and i had a meltdown. im glad i didnt hurt myself. hitting myself would have been worse. i feel like i have to justify punching the wall like it did by saying if i hadnt i would have hurt myself. its not okay to punch a wall. i didnt want to do it. i feel like theres nothing i can say which will make it acceptable. even with all the context of why it happened. im still ashamed and i still wish i hadnt done it. but i didnt get a choice. saying that sounds like an excuse. i feel pathetic. i need to get out of here so i can be safe and get better and get on with my life. what do i do. what did i do to deserve this.

#hashtag blogging with aggy