#im specifying character because i dont want to get into a discussion about irl morality. but like.

[dallonwrites]

beau is sooo messy i'm obsessed with him. him being happy to see felix seemingly flourishing and being more confident etc but also feeling weird and almost jealous at the fact that it used to be just him that got to see felix that way. that he used to be the only reason for it. and like he KNOWS that's a messy and kind of fucked up way to think about it but he also knows he's in a really weird spot emotionally and can't help it

#one question i am obsessed with at the moment is what makes a person/character 'toxic' #i don't think it's a simple yes or no a character either is or isn't #especially with grief and complicated emotions like... #i have had some UGLY thoughts about people. even about people i love and consider friends #and i have had times where i've had to question myself and wondered if i'm actually this spiteful and meanspirited person #but i realised all of those moments were happening in very difficult and dark times in my grief #which was making it harder for me to regulate emotions and being much more sensitive and quick to take something personally #even though i would know logically that i did not feel that way AS I FELT THAT WAY #it was a mind fuck and it took so long to figure out how to process and unpack all that... #anyway im obsessed with grieving characters having sensitivity and messy feelings and being easily triggered into them #and feeling them even though they know logically that's not how they actually feel under 'normal' circumstances #all this to say i dont think beau is a toxic person. but i do think he is grieving and his is the fleshiest/rawest character ive written in #a while LOL #hes competing with felix and dorothy. who imo were actually being toxic to each other in RR LOL #but then it's like. a character that is toxic at times is not necessarily a bad person to me! #im specifying character because i dont want to get into a discussion about irl morality. but like. #oughhh i love characters who are hypocritical and suck but are also full of love and a desire to be better but its hard to be