#im v tired i havent slept yet so i may come back to this with fresh eyes and go ''what the fuck''

[eridan-edits]

Davepetasprite^2 for anon! I don’t know how to draw wings so I hope it’s ok!

Also here’s Davepetasprite as a gif! (CW: Flashing lights)

#homestuck #pesterquest #davepeta #davepeteasprite^2 #pesterquest sprite edit #pesterquest edit #im v tired i havent slept yet so i may come back to this with fresh eyes and go ''what the fuck'' #also how draw wings??? idk #flashing cw #flashing lights cw

[depressionisabiotch]

Today was a bad day

May 9th

today was a bad day. this week hasnt been great but today was the worst and its partly my fault. you see, im currently going to uni for engineering bc i hate myself apparently. and im a dumbass, so you can see the issue here. I go to a very good uni reputation wise, but its hard as fuck, and engineering is hard as fuck. lets just say 2 students from difficult degrees commited suicide in the same campus building within a year of eachother. so, its some hard shit. 

i did not do well first semester, but i had extenuating circumstances, filed a petition and the uni was nice and withdrew the 3 courses i had absolutley tanked. so yay! you werent the only reasoning i had on my petition but depression you were finally good for something. So i then repeated the 3 courses i had tanked in second semester along with 2 other courses, and a seminar course, so 6 in total. then i was going to take the 3 courses i pushed from second semester during the summer term.

good news is: i passed 4/6 courses! bad news is that i failed linear algebra again, along with my electrical course, and i had only just scraped by with a 50 in calc and static mechanics that i repeated. so i was fucked. my average was 50.4% for 2nd term (as seminar course doesnt count towards it) which means i was so fucked. 

basically i have to repeat 1st year again in september. Don’t have to repeat the 2 classes i passed 1st semester the first time i did it, but have to repeat Linear algebra bc i got a 45, and i have to fucking repeat Calc and mechanics a-fucking-gain bc i got below a 70 so i dont retain the credit for them from 2nd semester bc i failed that semester. and i’ll actually only be a part-time student bc im only taking those 3 courses. And then the next semester ill be taking the electrical course i failed, and the 3 courses i was going to take this summer. dont have to retake the seminar or the 6th course bc i got a 68 in it and my advisor says that theyll most likely let me keep the credit bc its a v v work intensive course and my grade is close enough to the 70% requirement. 

so getting that news sucked major ass. and it really threw me off balance bc it changed up my entire plan for the summer and took away my routine. I dont do well at all with sudden change. if i know its coming then i can mentally prepare, but if its sudden like this then my entire world feels off. So my mental health has not been the greatest during the school year and then this curveball just took me out. ive just been sleeping the past 3 days which i know is bad, and then yesterday i ate absolute trash all day, and i hadnt been outside except for a brief 15 minute trip to the store for the trash i ate at like 10pm on the 7th. i was goign to go outside yesterday, the sun was out, but i just didnt. slept instead. which was bad. if i had gone out then maybe today wouldnt have been so bad

i woke up today and was just bad. my head hurts with a headache and just thoughts as well. didnt want to get up or do anything. wanted to rip my skin off. i accidentally kicked something on my floor and almost had a breakdown. couldnt sleep but was so tired. didnt want to read anything or watch anything. cried a bit in my bed bc i was so frustrated. just wanted it to stop and to feel better, but i dont know what to do to make myself feel better. 

i did what felt impossible. i put on some music to try and give me even a tiny boost and i got up out of bed. i went downstairs to the bathroom, put new clothes on, and laid on my floor and put a podcast on. had a small snack. just chilled on my floor for a bit. Then i went outside to go run the errands i had to do today. went to the grocery store to get sauce for my dinner, went to the drugstore to pick up my meds refill and my insurance wasnt on file or something and im still in no headspace to actually think correctly or interact with anyone so when the lady asked me if i had private insurance and i said yes then she asked if it was through my school i just said yes bc i was about 3 seconds away from a breakdown if she asked me another question. so then i gave her my student card and she went and did the thing. I technically should have given her my parents insurance, but i dont have a union card or any of the info for it, and i paid for the student healthcare plan anyways so you know what, fuck you uni, you can pay for my meds this time. then i ended up going back to the store to get a salad for lunch with leftovers for tomorrow as well.

when i got back i was so exhausted, so i laid down for a few minutes, had lunch and then got back into bed. I’ve now just been laying down in my bed since then but i havent gone back to bed yet so thats good. then i had the wonderful idea to make this blog bc i needed to get it all out. and maybe this will help, talking about my feelings and all that shit. a therapist would probably be a good idea, but this is what i’ve got for now. my headache is back in full force, and i still just feel icky all over and like my head is full of clouds and fluff and fuzziness and like i wont ever feel joy again, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

going to write a list of things i have to do tomorrow bc im heading back home on the 11th and need to get things sorted. 

i’ll lay here for a bit longer and then i’ll have to get up and make dinner eventually. going to learn how to make minute rice for the first time. maybe i’ll watch something nice on netflix, dont have the energy for reading right now. maybe some john mulaney, or ill rewatch avatar again.

until next time, keep kicking lifes bitch ass by being alive

#my textposts #depression is a biotch #uni is a biotch #may 9th #time to see how long i actually keep up with this thing #itll be interesting #daily post